Friday, November 30, 2007

Because Blogsville said So.

I was sleeping last night, after a long day of playing this game called life, when it started.
Someone came knocking at my door.
A slow ominous thud thud thud.
I’m a lot of things but brave isn’t oneof them.
I’ve always wondered what all those guys who walk downstairs in the dead of the night with a baseball bat expect to find.
Some guy waiting downstairs with a ball?

Anyways. Ever the survival freak I crept under my bed and started counting backwards from 1. I’m not very good at that and it takes all my strenght to concentrate.
After 5minutes of nerve jarring thuds the knocking stopped and something was slipped beneath my door.
It was an envelope. It glowed a bright fluorescent red in the dark. I was instantly wary.
My power bill?
I crept slowly towards the envelope observing with humor that my fright had gone leaving me covered with sweat and a mild erection.
What was my body thinking? I’m about to die.
Quick have an orgasm one last time!!

I brushed aside my thoughts and picked up the envelope. It didn’t have any thing written on it. It just lay there in my hands pulsing its dance of red scream.
I opened it.
Inside was a note. My first emotion was relief. It wasn’t my Nepa Bill. Quickly following that was disappointment. It wasn’t a birthday card or a gift certificate.
Oh well.
Now firmly in the hands of curiosity I pulled out the folded sheet and lifted it to read . The message was simple.

You’ve been tagged on Blogsville zone,
Today’s the 29th of November
If you fail to post a post tomorrow, we’ll be coming for you.
Bring a baseball bat. We’ll beat you to death with it

P.s Could you please buy some popcorn and soda.
It’s not much fun beating people without food. Leave it in your fridge!!

Cheerfully yours.
Blogsville Members.”

I woke up from my dream.

I didn’t sleep much after that. I dashed off to the computer.
Blogsville was coming for me. I was in trouble. My deadline was the end of November. That was today.If I didn’t reply to my tags I was done for.
I was doomed. I was going to be beaten with a bat. Not sexy beating, (and i couldnt stand those) but crazy beating.
The "what are you doing naked in my bed with my wife" kind of beating.
Somewhere in the dark my 9 year old Casio watch let out a beep.
I had just crossed from the 29th of November to the 30th.
I had 24 hours.
My brain wrestled with fear and the need to concentrate. I had been asked to write 7 weird things about me.
I started typing.

Seven weird things about me.( Stop shivering and type you idiot!)

I love Magic.
No kidding. Magic. The kind where a dove seemingly comes out of an empty hat.
That kind? Yes. I’m a fan.
For as long as I can remember I’ve always loved the idea of tricks. I had an Uncle who was half Jewish. He had this neat trick where he would make a coin disappear and then pull it out of my ear. It used to completely blow my little 5-year-old mind.
Thinking back now I realize that I might not have done anything about this love of mine except life played a really cool trick on the world.
It made the Internet appear.

With an ad infinitum of knowledge only a keyboard away I dived in.
I’m hardly a professional. I do your basic card and coin tricks.
My coin tricks aren’t that spectacular. I enjoy pulling coins out of little 5 year olds now and watching them scream with delight. But other than making coins appear and reappear I cant do much more.
My card tricks are a lot classier and advanced. I was well into my hobby during my first year of admission into a university. I always had a deck of card in my hands.
Practicing is king. There are over a hundred sleights you need to be really good at.

I’ve got a lot of great stories but I think my favorite is the one where I asked a girl to pick a card. She did. I asked her to sign it. She did. I then asked her to stick it back in the deck and shuffle it.
After she had I asked her to search through and pull out her card. She couldn’t find it. While she was gasping with shock. I called a guy walking by and asked him to take of his shoe.
Inside his shoe was the card.
Nice huh? I repeated the trick but instead of a shoe I made it appear in her handbag.
She totally freaked out.
I watched her scream and jump.
I had turned her into a five year old girl with boobs.

Eventually though everyone started becoming wary of me.
The rumors started. I was a wizard.
Carlang Voldermort Gandalf.
Even though I told everyone that it wasn’t real magic no one would believe me.
After an entire week of having strange looks from people I sat down (On a chair. I hadnt learnt how to float in the air) and thought about my options.
I could either continue awing people whilst hoping that I'd bump into a sexy beautiful native doctor, or I could give up my hobby and become normal again.
So I gave up my hobby.
Tossed away my book of tricks.
I don’t do tricks anymore.
Although every now and then I’ll pick a deck and someone will walk over to me and say.
Hey! Do you gamble?
I turn to the person, Give a smile and say.
Pick a card!”

I love Coke:
I got the inside dirt from a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who works there. In the international sales room of coke they have a chart. On it is listed the amount of coke sold to countries. My name is on the list. Between Canada and Congo.
I’m a die-hard fan of coke.
Breakfast for me most of the time is a simple bottle of coke. My friends call me an addict. Good call!
Still every now and then I take a vow of abstinence and stay off coke for a while. My longest purge was last year. A particularly beautiful girl promised to kiss me for as long as I wanted if I didn’t drink coke for a month. I abstained for 3 months and got to kiss her as far as I wanted.

I love foreplay:
Seeing as I ended the above weirdo exclusive with some tale about my relation with females I might as well continue along that train. Sex is lovely. Really.
But if sex is the climatic ending of the hit trilogy, the lord of the rings, then foreplay is the breathless 8 hour build up of the movie before we find out that frodo succeeds.
Simply put. I derive as much fun in kissing a girl and trailing my tongue all over her as I do with the eventual act of sex.
Sometimes I think maybe I love it more. There is nothing as nice as making love to a woman with your hands and tongue, tasting her lips and neck, teasing her nipples into tapering peaks, and having her gasp out her thanks. Her hands roving over your hair and back…
Nothing as nice.
My ex girlfriend once asked me which I’d prefer.
Making love to a woman.
Or drinking Coke.
Easy answer.
Drinking coke from a woman.

I love watching Animations.
Think Disney’s classics and Japanese animations. I could spend days watching them. My mum calls me a TV Zombie. Animations are a modern day expression of art.I love the 3d animations as well but that really isn’t weird since most people do too. That’s it. I’m an animation nut. I used to do a bit of drawing back in secondary school. Infact I still do. It’s one of my dreams to work at Pixar or Disney. I’m still hoping. Till then I’ll just keep watching.

I love making up bullshit stories.
It’s a curse. There is nothing I love more than fooling really intelligent people.
Last week I convinced a bunch of guys that the Papacy has a rule where all reverend fathers must marry before swearing their oath. That way they know exactly what they’ll be missing. So technically every reverend father has actually been married. Because you cant be a reverend father until you’re married and divorced.
Weird thing was some guys actually agreed with me and said they watched it on CNN.

Another favorite occasion was during a party. I told some girls that the constituents of the atomic bomb that blew up Hiroshima was half part coke the other part vodka. If you mixed them together you would have an explosion. To prove my point I asked anyone who was brave enough to take a swing of coke and then vodka. No one took my challenge. 5 months later I was at another party and I heard some girls warning people not to drink coke and vodka because that’s what blew up Nagasaki.

I love taking showers.
I probably take 6 showers a day. It’s pretty silly when you look at it because half the times I really don’t need to take the shower. But still I do it because …because I can.

I love making faces.
It started out with me trying to be a cartoon character when I was little and ended up with me being cursed with it. I’ve got an animated face. I can’t do anything without the expression showing on my face.
The only time when this okay is when I’m having an Orgasm. I hear normal faces aren’t advised.
I have never taken a normal picture. It’s always Carl and his silly expression. My mum calls it me squeezing my nose.
Once my ex girl friend took me to a studio and took over an hour’s worth of pictures until she had one where she said I looked completely normal.
I don’t know why she liked that one but I remember what I was thinking and it was
I hate all those gorgeously cute guys in Greys Anatomy. Why do they have to be so bloody perfect?
And then the photographer took his shot.

So now every time I need to take a picture with a normal expression that’s my trigger.
I wish a plane would fall on that Mc dreamy guy.
Ha! I bet McSteamy is really gay.
Mc Dreamy. WHat kind of silly name is that. Mr cool? Dream on dreamy!
Mc Dreamy. Mc steamy. Na only them dey this world? I wish they would be ganged banged by a quartet of Grey silver backed Congo Gorillas
Snap. Snap.Snap.

There. I’ve done it.
Phew. And now I’m supposed to Tag someone else.
That’s easy. The hard work's been done already. Everything after this is merely icing.
Here's my list of taggees.
Lightly (so you can do it right this time.), Bumight, Nyemoni (so we can finally get a post), and Undercovasista.
Tag. You're it!
So there.
Start writing already.Dont wait for the red letter.
I’ve done it.
I've done it.

I don’t have to buy the popcorn anymore do I?


fantasy queen said...

securing my spot here...i'll be back.

fantasy queen said...

that wasnt a dream, that was me man,thats why u had the half mast, u could smell my perfume...
...when u get that job at disney,be sure to make me the princess and i'll be ur lead carton caracter(i'm sure u'll make my arse look smoking hot)

ur weirdness is appealing, foreplay, magic, sipping cokes from a lady,long regular showers, comic relive and a clear evidence that u're fighting hard to find urself in either the woman loving category or man loving category(thats why u fing urself dreaming mcsteamy and mcdreamy alot)
have a weirdly wonderful weekend!!

Arewa said...

R u trying to drop a hint..confess now oh cus i dont believe all this stuff about magic.. R U A WIZARD?!...LOL!!

Lighty said...

i just came to say u're about to face ur fear with the baseball bat, cuz u posted the wrong tag. you're meant to be thankful, *shaking my head* laffing and shaking it again. lol.
tho its not gonna be the 'u've been sleeping with my wife one'. u know wot am saying? *wink*.

ill av to come back to read, am in between work ok luvvie?

Queen of My Castle said...

LMAO!!!!!!!! You are too cute.

I admit that I love foreplay a bit more than the sex. It's fun.

As for the magic, I am 26 and I still marvel at the silly tricks and for the life of me still can't figure out how they do it.

Hey I have an idea...oh, never mind, my Mr. and Lightly might not approve of you pulling a bunny out of my hat

guerreiranigeriana said...

yay for you!!...wasn't sure if you would...and what a delight to read...magic huh?...i was always more intrigued by black magic...couldn't really, uh, explore that one...

...foreplay, yes please!!!*daydreaming...jolted back to reality*...your bullshit stories are hilarious...i love telling people the most ridiculous is amazing how gullible/stupid folks can be...i used to tell people i was half nigerian, a quarter cuban and a quarter italian...they believed!!... long are these numerous showers you take?...three minutes?...if so, it's good you take multiple ones so you can really get clean...3 minute shower x 5 showers a day=15minute shower for the day...not bad;)...

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

God saved you because I had arrived with "awon boys" in tow to remind you of your blogville responsibilities...nonsense! neglecting your blog. You are still on trial at the Blog protection services.

I think I am going to really like the blogger behind Carlang because your mind is one crazy, funny thing...
I so love your list....*sigh*

Allied said...

Bravo!! i love this post. It made me laugh out a lot. I also love Animation. I watch cartoon most of the time.

But you are a werido.

Afrobabe said...

LMAO @ the guys who go downstairs with with ball indeed..

Lovely post...weirdly blessed should be the title...

and many more.....all very cool...I personally cant get in the mood without foreplay so its not an option...guys get ur tongues

I love cartoons as well, seen more cartoons than movies, from shrek to mulan to em all...

Onome said...

O BOY!!!!

UndaCovaSista said...

Lol! So you love making up bullshit stories, do you? Yeah, we kinda figured that one out ourselves already!!! Just kidding (lol). And why are you hatin' on Mcdreamy and Mcsteamy now? A beg leave them alone o. Those guys are hoT!

Thanks for the tag, however, i thought the news would have circulated that i'm not the best tagee on the block. I was tagged by 30+ for 30 days of thankfulness and have yet to deliver. Anyway, leave it with me. I'll see what i can do...

One Man’s Opinion said...

Weirdo....Just kidding.

bumight said...

Trust carlang to take it to another level shey? I've been tagged? in my absence? so does that mean if i don't deliver they'll come after me too?
Now I'm scared!!!

oh!, and u love foreplay? not many guys do...what do I know about that.(rephrase) Not many guys admit to loving foreplay

Olamild said...

U r razz o

nice post

Carlang said...

@ Fantasy Queen: I knew there was something familiar.
Hey Watson. I've solved it!!

Off course i'llmake your ass look smoking hot.We might need to see it first. We Artists...We like making things as life like as we can.

I had a lovely weekend thanks.

Mc steamy? What's his name doing in my comment slot. Must he steal everything that belongs to me?

@ Arewa:
No deal.
I dont do tricks for free.
Give me a million bucks and i;ll make half a million appear overnight.
I swear
deal... or no deal?

@ Lighty: We've got a problem.How come thought of you coming to hit me , fills me with joy?
That;s not something to take...lightly!

Hi dear.
Yes i noticed that you tagged me for something else.
but it;s not my fault .
half of blogsville seems to have tagged me.

Howz work?

@ Queen of my castle: Lol. Now why would you say that. I'm sure we could reach some kind of settlement or understanding.
How are you .
Tell you what.
We'll add tricks to the list of things i have to teach you!!

@GueriaNigerian: Dang it.
You've solved my bath riddle.

Okay . not really although when it comes to taking baths i dont love staying in there forever,.

Unless off course.. i have company!

@ Catwalq:
SO it has come to this.
What happen to our love and patience?
Dont mind me. I really dont have any excuse for the delay.
Still next time instead of bring out the muscle..
try feminine charms.
Never fails.

So i;m on trial.
WHo is my attorney...
For God sakes please dont say Ozaveshe!

I;m crazy?
Thanks for the compliment dear.

@ Allied: Weirdo?
But off course...

@Afrobabe: DOnt get me started on my favorite argument.
The " I've seen more animations than you have "one.
For what it;s worth i;ve seen all you mentioned.
And all that you're currently thinking of mentioning.
Okay . I think i'm well on the way to starting my favorite argument.
Quick detour.

So you dig guys with tounges...

@ Undercovasista: Lol.
Okay you;re right. That part might have been obvious.
Oh come one..
All i ever get to hear of is Mc dreamy this, Mc steamy that!

Once i sat with two girls and was forced to watch Greys Anatomy .
At the end they were crying..
I was like...
" Hey! I'm a guy! I'm beside you!!Give me a hug already!!"

@ Bumight: Nice try.
Better reply to the tag oh!!
Anna Nicole smith didnt reply her tagg and look what happened to her!

I;ve done it again?
What did i do?
Howz Sally?

@ Olamid:
Wetin you mean?

@ all:Forgive the Typos
Off course i be Razzo!!

bumight said...

go n read unNaked's blog


you love making bs storyies? Um, okay. But, that intro was quite creative so, we'll forgive you. lol!

Nice post!

Rayo said...

Yay!! A fellow weirdo...I mean, normal person...Lmao @ the bs stories. It's so funny how gullible people are when you sound like you're completely sure of yourself.

exschoolnerd said...

magic???? hmm probably the first person i know who digs that...

u into the cris angel kinda any chance?

princesa said...

Now we need to go have ur head checked dude!lol!

One hell of a story teller you are for sure.

Nice, Niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

femme said...

weirdest 7 wierd things ever.
loved the humour and ur style.

Sherri said...

ur writing style is ....(smoke bellowing as brain searches for
the elusive word) off the hook!
i just love ur mind!

seriously u shod write scripts

BiMbyLaDs** said...

as always, I am hooked:)

Afrobabe said...

Guys with tongues,,shit did I say that?????

Must have been more drunk than I thought...No more RUM in my tea...

Jaycee said...


Carlang Voldermort Gandalf...

Wow...u're a weirdo. How could u pull the lie that the atomic bomb that blew up Hiroshima was part coke and part vodka??? lolllll...i'm almost fainting with laughter...

1st time here, funny blog!!!!

little miss me said...

grrrrrrrreat blog! lmao all the way, i just spent the better part of my 2am -4.15am laughing,def time well wasted lol

p.s u are soo wierd.and silly.
i hope you update soon.:)

Carlang said...

@ Solomondeylle: :Thanks for the pardon.
Thanks for stopping by.

@ Rayo:: I swear. There seem to be more weird guys in the world than normal ones..
i blame telivison.
What;s your excuse?

@ Princessa:: My head examined?
Thanks dear.
Story teller... hmm.. did you hear of the one about a princess called Princessa?

@ Sherri:: Lucky you. I hate my mind. I; thinking of selling it.
You intrested.
I'll trade it for a kiss.
There ..
See why i dont like my mind?
Says the first thing that pops into it?

Auction floor opens at 11.

@ Schoolnerd:yes... i do a bit of those!

@ Afrobabe: :
Just so i get it clearly you're saying...
You dont like guys with handy tongues.

And you drink tea with rum.

I can handle the later ( i'm more of a vodka person though) but if you and me is going to work out we;ll need to reach a compromise on the first.

@ Little Miss me::
Aw shucks.
I feel so honored.
Thanks for stopping by. I'm really glad you loved the blog.
should update soon!

@ Jaycee: lol.
i just love it when people call me a weirdo.
Thanks for stopping by.

Carlang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rayo said...

I blame my head....

Atutupoyoyo said...

LMAO. That was without a doubt the best tag post that I have ever read. Ever.

Good to see you back maestro. Keep writing man you make the words so beautiful and the process seem so easy.

fantasy queen said...

carlllll, wai are u? updateeeee else u'll have those nightmares again!!!!!

simplynuttie said...


Oh...just wierd!!!

Nice post.

nameless.poetical. said...

now i know where to run to when i need a smile on my face. :)

Florida of Free Spirit said...

we've got 3 things in common:
1. i love animated movies!!! I mean, it's really bad. I don't just watch d movies, i stalk Cartoon Network!!! I religiously follow every 'Dexter's Laboratory' and 'The Power Puff Girls' episode.

2. I love foreplay. I mean, if a guy can't make out, i just know he wouldn't know his left 4rm his right wen it comes to d main d main. Come on, there's an art to these things more dan just shoving ur tongue down someone else's throat

3. I do turn tricks too - but only in the bedroom. Hmm, that was b4 i repented sha