Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Carls Anatomy.



I am not a doctor.
It is very important that everyone remembers this. At some point in this story of mine the debate of whether or not I really am might arise.
For those not paying attention.
I’m not.

I had a lovely weekend.
By the end of Saturday I was convinced that, come the following week, I would recount my exploits over my blog. Saturday was a delightful day. A day which had me attending three equally delightful weddings. The last and by far most memorable ended abruptly when the host grabbed a bottle and threatened to stab some guest who had insulted the Bride’s mother.
In all the confusion no one noticed me grabbing most of the cake left in the tray.

Yes. Saturday was fun. From the three weddings I attended, to the finale buffet my friend threw to usher out his married sister. (Said Melee wedding was not his).
But as memorable as Saturday turned out to be it had nothing on the antics off Sunday.

My friend Jeff belongs to a family of Doctors. His mother and father are the directors of a Clinic. Sensing the dark plan being forged by his father—a dream that he would one day takeover the family business—Jeff applied for a course in Computer Science. A path he was certain would protect him from his legacy.
As plans go it perhaps was a lovely idea except his father was determined. Once Jeff left school he handed the construction of the Hospital Database over to his son. And just in case that was not enough. He bought a CT scan unit and handed the operations over to him.

This was why on Sunday I was in the Hospital with Jeff.
The South African Contingent ,coupling and training would be operators of the CT scan, were working that day. I think Sunday falls on a Monday in South Africa. Jeff asked me to tag along with him to watch them set up the machine. It was a pretty fun exercise I suppose but after one of the South African Radiologist warned me that I could risk getting sterilized from the radio waves if I hung around long enough ,I decided to leave the room and explore the clinic.

When I say explore what I really mean is the Clinic had this really cute doctor who not only was delightfully single but was actually silly enough to consider me a lovely friend. With the choice of being beamed to death firmly out of my head I made my way to her office.

She was having lunch when I got in.
I found out what exactly she was eating when she screamed my name. Trapped between her lovely teeth I made out the bits of what looked strongly like peanuts and banana. I wondered amusedly why I didn’t find it a turn off.
“You’re here.” She said with a smile remembering to swallow.
“I should hope so. It would be weird if I dreamt up a balding Male South African Caucasian Radiologist.” I replied with a laugh.

I sat in her Doctor chair whilst she remained on the observation bed.
She offered me a bit of her Banana and groundnut but I declined.
I wasn’t really hungry I told her.
She nodded and we kept on gisting.
After 4 minutes she repeated her offer.
This time I accepted. I was starving by then.

And so it was that we were seating and laughing about nothing really in particular—she told me that she got a lot of her features from her father. I nodded and replied, He must have nice boobs—when suddenly there was a knock on the door.
“Come in” The” doctor said wearily still laughing.

And then she walked in.
Memories are deceptive. You can never really count on them for accurate recollection.
Take this particular bit of memory for instance. The way I remember it when she walked in Time slowed down to a halt. Behind her there was a flutter of doves as they swarmed into the room. Her lovely face was lit up with a nimbus. The glow echoing of the red gloss on her perfect lips. Beneath her head her clothes hugged her body singing a soft sensual song with every step she took.
I didn’t exactly see the violinists but I heard them. The melody of the String Orchestra filled the room as I stared at the lovely lady that had just walked in.
Like I said, Memories are unreliable but I am completely convinced of the last detail.
She walked into the room gave me a smile and then started my Sunday.
“Good Afternoon Doctor.” She said to me.

Looking back at it I could understand how she was mistaken.
I was sitting in the doctor’s chair.
I was at the time playing with a stethoscope.
I should have corrected her error right there and then. I should have.
But I didn’t. Common Sense was buried beneath a pile of groundnuts and Bananas. Instead I looked at her with a smile and said.
“Good Afternoon. And how are we today?”
Beside me, On the Gurney table, my Doctor friend looked at me with a smile. Her face was contorted in a struggle not to break out in a laugh.
I glared at her with a frown.
“You know what. “ I told the beautiful patient. “I need to run upstairs. My intern here will attend to you. Don’t worry. You’re in good hands.”
I walked out of the room very quickly before the actual Doctor convulsed from restrained laughter.

I returned to CT scan room hoping to find everybody had been beamed into dust. No such luck. They were still working on the assembly. Something about switches not being firmly in place. Everything else was okay. The machine hadn’t gone critical and initiated a Nuclear Countdown. Hospital work was really boring.
“Are you a doctor?” A South African radiologist asked me.
“What?” I asked with a dumb look.
He gestured to the doctor’s Stethoscope which I had slung over my shoulder.
“Oh?” I said. “No. I’m not.. It’s just. Never mind. It’s a long story.”
He nodded and studied me for a minute.
“Doesn’t it have anything to do with a girl?”
I stared back in stunned shock. Had the radio waves turned him Clairvoyant?

After 5 minutes hanging around the CT room I decided to return to my Doctor friend and test out my new Super powers. I hoped the radio waves had given me something neat. Like Super Speed.
“Where have you been?” The Doctor practically yelled at me as I walked in.
Patient Aurora had left the room. The Doctor was seating on the gurney again. Her legs swinging gaily back and forth.
“She likes you.” She announced with a happy smile.
“Me?” I scoffed out loud. Within I gasped in delight.
“Yes you.” The doctor laughed. “After you left the room she kept asking about you. Asked me why she couldn’t just wait for you to return and examine her.”
“Examine her?” I said with a blank expression.
The doctor chuckled and shook her head at me.
“What was wrong with her anyway?” I asked trying to act degage “Or is it something you can’t tell me.”
The doctor laughed.
“No. she’s fine. She just had Malaria that’s all. A bit of Typhoid came up in her blood test.” She smiled at me. “She’s clean incidentally.”
“I didn’t ask that.” I said with a laugh.
“Oh no. I’m volunteering the information. Just incase you were trying to avoid getting her number.” The Doctor said laughing.
“How would I go about getting her number? She’s gone already.” I said.
And then she walked in.
Again.

Just like that.
One minute we talking about her and the next thing the sexy devil was in the room.
She barely glanced at the actual doctor. She looked straight at me and said.
“Doctor I have a problem. Is there any way you could help.”
I grabbed the bottle of peanuts and tried to look Doctor like.
“What’s the problem?” I asked.
“The Clinic Pharmacy is taking forever to give me my drugs. Is there anyway you could speed them up. They don’t have enough change at the moment but I need to get home. I’m Starving.”
“Yes.” I said. “You should eat. It’s terrible to take drugs on an empty stomach.”
Sometimes it helps to remember what your mum tells you.
Behind the doctor gave me a silent laugh and then announced.
“I’ll go see what I can do.”
She didn’t wait for a response before she ran out of the room. I hoped the CTmachine blew up and killed her with it.

I sat at the table for half a minute trying to think of something incredibly witty to say. My brain was asleep.
Me?
Nothing to say?
“Is it bad?” She asked me.
“What?” I asked.
“My results.” She said gesturing to her file which was still on the table. “Is it bad? You’ve given me an awfully long list of drugs to buy.”
“Oh no. You’re fine. We’re treating you for Malaria and Typhoid. A bit of it came up in your blood test.” I said quickly. “Other than that. You’re fine.”
I stared at her lips.
Very Fine.
I was still brain dead. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I was about to have an imaginary surgery that would take me from the room when Jeff saved my life.
He walked into the room.
I could see the effect she had on him.
He took one look at her and raised his eyebrows.
Dude!
He telegraphed with his eyes.
I know! I telegraphed right back.
“My friend Jeff. “ I announced.
“Andromeda.” She said with a soft smile.
“Lovely name.”
“Gracias.” She replied with a laugh.
“Spanish. That’s sexy.” Jeff said. I glared at him. Why was my brain dead? He was stealing my thunder right in front of me. I picked up her file and pretended like I was going through it.
“Yes it is. “ She said still laughing. “That’s why I learnt it.”
I dropped the file.
“You speak Spanish?” I asked in shock.
She nodded seriously. “Yes I do.” And then she ranted out five quick sentences in Spanish.
Jeff looked at me quickly.
Dude! Dude!
I nodded silently at him. I know dammit. I know!!

For the next 10 minutes she chatted with Jeff talking about herself. She was an aspiring lawyer. Yet to go to law school but done with her University degree. She loved watching Series. She was working in a law firm. She was single. I sat like the dumb idiot I had become unable to say anything. I busied myself with her file. Looking over the gibberish the doctor had written in it. I was beginning to worry that maybe my brief exposure to radio waves had turned me stupid.
The Doctor returned after 10 minutes with her drugs and handed them over to her.
“Thank you.”She said to me.
I nodded my head. We doctors do our best.
She smiled one last time at me and turned to leave the room.
And then I snapped out of it. My daze vanished. In another 15 seconds she would leave the room and I would lose her. Forever. Until she once again got sufficiently beaten by Mosquitoes to warrant another visit to the Hospital. I had to do something.
“So. What happens if I need to call a Lawyer? “I asked.
She stopped at the door and gave me a puzzled look.
“What?”
“What happens if I need to call you?”
I held up her file defensively. As if justifying my right to ask the question.
I needn’t have bothered. She smiled at me and walked back to the desk.

And so I got her number.
We both swapped numbers. I gave here mine and saved hers.
The doctor smiled after Andromeda left. She and Jeff stared at me with expectant looks.
“What?” I asked wearily.
“What the hell do you mean what?” Jeff snapped. “Dude. You’ve got to call her man.”
“No.” I said.
“Why not.” Jeff asked.
“Because I am not a Doctor.” I said simply.
How come everyone else seemed to be forgetting that little hiccup? Did I have to wear a T-shirt with the words “He is not a Doctor” Before everyone remembered?
I had done enough damage as it was.
Lied for 30 minutes to some gorgeous girl who i didn't know. More or less ruining my chances of getting to know her. Sunday couldn’t get any worse as far I was concerned.
“So you’re just going to give up.” Jeff gasped.
“Yes.”
Jeff scratched his head in confusion.
Seriously? He signaled,still scratching.
“Handle your lice problem.” I said.

Sunday was finally coming to a end.
Earlier on, I had called my sister and recounted my day. At first she had refused to believe me. But after Jeff confirmed my story she called me a cow and hung up.
Family support was always so dependable.
I was seated in a chair watching the Euro finals. Spain was beating Germany which was a good thing. No one seemed to be in support of the Germans. I could relate to that. I was considering turning in for the night when my phone gave a vibe.
It was a short message.
Are you still in the Clinic? I’ll be returning next week. Hasta Leugo. That’s Spanish. It means I Hope to see you soon. Preferably not as a patient.”
Attached to the message was the ID of the sender.
Andromeda.

Again Memory fails me on what happened afterwards.
The following is what I seem to remember.
I gasped in shock at the text message. I think I sat down. Over my heads dark clouds gathered, darkening the room further. The ceiling seemed to grow higher leaving me feeling incredibly small. In the Back ground some clown started playing with a fiddle. Some comic western jig. I was glad someone found it funny.
Directly opposite me my phone vibrated on the table in tune with the music.
I had been with the phone long enough to understand its mood and what it was trying to tell me.
Its light flashed a merry white and Blue.
Dude!! My phone said.

44 comments:

bumight said...

claiming my rightful position, now can I see that banner?

UndaCovaSista said...

Holla!

Allied said...

Please tell me what mood your phone was?

Please tell me she didnt mind you are not a Doctor?

TELL ME!!!!

But seriously, you grabbed the cake when death was staring another in the face? Boy u don kolo

Afrobabe said...

3rd at Allied's...4th here...getting worse???

Afrobabe said...

lmao...dude ur phone said??? like dude, you just F'ed up!!!

What does she want a doctor for anyway??? She better want you else we will need to beat her up...

fantasy queen said...

i love you carl...
you took my breath away with that description of spanish chics entrance, made me want to be a guy in love with her(note to self....set up a stage and try to renact that scene for future love of mi life)

and trust a guy to turn to food when trouble arises...lol

Jaycee said...

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL...I thoroughly enjoyed this sweet tale of ur romantic escapade...I was sitting down in front of my desktop and couldn't move, acting like a love bee just stung me...

Anyways, CALL HER BACK SILLY! And tell her the truth...and nothing but the truth.

"...and the truth shall set you free..."

bumight said...

impersonating doctors abi? I'm going to tell Naaps!!!

what's with you and doctors by the way?

ok, here's the deal, tell her you need a lawyer cos u're suing the hospital for *insert appriopriate nonesense*...

Naapali said...

Dude!!

Charizard said...

Den, Den, Den...I will tell Dr. NaaP for you


dang mehn...tres impressiv! I didnt wana stop reading mehhh...

I aspire to write like so, one day

Ms Sula said...

Dude, I mean seriously, Dude!!

Lol!

As heart-wrenching as it may feel to come clean, trust me you'll feel better afterwards...

Just tell her that you're a very, very witty writer who is yet to be published... That blows doctor off the water anyhow.... Lol!

Just keep us posted, mi Amigo... Ha ha ha!

UndaCovaSista said...

DOO-ooode!

NigerianDramaQueen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NigerianDramaQueen said...

Haha, I enjoyed reading this. Love the sarcasm and irony of it all.

Lol@ the part where you said ''her father must have had nice boobs''. That was quite witty.

Oh well, this is the part of the movie when the emotional-heart wrenching music comes on. Then she screams at you for lieing to her. Then you tell her how beautiful she is...and how she made assumptions, and you were too sprung to correct them. Then you kiss, *music becomes climatic* throw your phone in the fountain, and keep kissing till the credits come on-THE END.

Obviously, I watch too many chick flicks.

shalewa said...

obviously,she likes you and u like her,so stop acting like.......i dunno.Just tell her the truth.Even if you are a bricklayer(lol),in her mind she'd be like "at least he's a fine one,and i like him."I mean,she wants to see you again for christ's sake.But u sef,you get liver.

mizchif said...

I'm an official Carl Groupie!!!

Urwritting just blows me away mayn!

Free-flowing Florida said...

carlang has come again with his imaginative mind!

Onome said...

:| right on dude right on......

naijalines said...

Really good!

Jarrai said...

Nice one...dude make sure you call her pronto!.

Lovely post...i was thoroughly captivated..

onydchic said...

If this story ends with anything other than a date, ur ass is mine for slacker-ness. I kid you not.

Atutupoyoyo said...

Dewd!

I know that entrance scene very well. I too have witnessed it in my life. But the laws of physics tell me that it is impossible for time to slow down for anyone. Not even Obasanjo.

Ifeyinwa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff Corbin said...

HAHAHAHA!!!

Considering i was there when this whole thing happened am glad to at least give you guys a little glimpse of things that have happened so far...Lets see...

The truth was spilled in the usual carl manner and needless to say there wasn't really much screaming...or insulting...actually there was nothing but a little giggle and a few laughs here and there.

Now heres the most important part, the moron is still doing his usual bullshit and is in denial regarding her obvious attraction towards him. I for one am doing the same thing i always do when such matters arise...get FRIENDLY WITH THE HOT SPANISH BABE! And no...she ain't nigerian in my book, SHE'S SPANISH! And am learning from her....wiiiii!!!... Okay moving on.

Thats all i know for now so i'll let the host fill you guys in on the rest. :)

QMoney said...

Dude ,u are an e-g-b-e!!!!LOL

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

lol! this was nice to read. your phone...lol!

Hope all is well with you!

NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...

Ms. Catwalq said...

Okay, u need to write a book now!!!!!

N.I.M.M.O said...

Dude! The way you write its like we were there.

Powerful descriptions.

Jaja said...

LOl.. you don die for film!

guerreiranigeriana said...

...@ jeff, thanks for the update...

...dude, carlang!!!...do not fuck this up!!!....have you heard?!...

...your description of her entrance was classic...is it really like that?...going to brush up on my spanish;)...although i think portuguese is much more sexy...

Buttercup said...

1st time here..love the title of the post, love the content of the post..u write so beautifully, cant wait for the update!

Carlang said...

@ @ Bumight:
" This is for BUMIGHT in recognition for her zeal and peseverance. Here hails the rightly positoned bum (of awesome might."

@ Allied: Aha!
You picked on the most important issue of the entire post.
The cake.
The cake my dear.
I ate the cake.
Yes I did.....

@Undacovasista:
Holla right back, Hi Cleopatra...

@Afrobabe:
Afrobabe dressed in leather weilding a whip.
Me on the sideline watching gleefully.

It's almost enough to make me pray F's up!

@Fantasy Queen:
It's undocumented information.
After Adam ate the apple he rushed for a fig.
Food's alway sthe answer.
And yes...

I still love you!!

@ Jaycee:
The truth shall set you free?
lol.
I have called her. SHe actually found it funny.
For about thirty minutes.
Then she started yelling..

@Bumight:
WHat's my attraction with doctors?
I dont know.
Take you. Perfectly normal...
But then you add the fact that you;re almost a doc and sudddenly I'.m.....


@Naapali:
I know man...

@ Charizard:
Much Obliged.
Please dont tell Doctor Nap.
I hate injections.

@Ms SUla:
I owe you one..
I actually took your advise. Told her i was a writer.
SHe actually forgave me.
But made me promise to show her some of my writing...

So...
Dear Ms Sula.
WHen a girl asks to see your writing...IS it the same thing as inviting you up for coffee?

@Undacovasista:
Yo......Check out this egypt chick. SHe;s like sooooo coooool.
Totally!

@NIgeriandramaqueen:
Funny thing.
I thought after this i get stabbed in the neck with a blunt pair of scissors. Then, while i lie on the floor oozing out my blood in spamic jerks ,she reads out the
entire script of ER to me.
I
We must have watched diffrent movies.
Obviously i watch too many Animes.

@SHalewa:
Bricklayer ke?
Haba!
I no go try am.
Lie lie!!!

If you marry Taxi driver....

@Mizchif:
Thanks.
As an Official groupie you get a free Tshirt.
Send me your email address alongside a cheque for the shirt...

@Freeflowing Flordia:
I wish dear.
It actually all happened.
You want make i give you the girl number?

@Naijalines.
WHy ..thank you!

@Jarrai:
Thanks J.
Yeah... i called her back. SHe really is quite nice.
Sigh

@ONyidichic:
lol.
So what you're saying is if i dont end up with her , i'll end up with you...
Sounds like a plan....

@Atutupoyoy:
I know dammit!!!
lol.
The problem with time slowing down for Obasanjo is that he is too dumb to notice it.

@Jeff:
Traitor.
Judas.
May the fleas of a thousand Camels infest your groins.
And may your hands be too short to scratch it.
Next blog i'm talking about your Ballet dance classes.
Mu HA HA HA!!!!

@gmoney:
Chei. I don suffer.
Me ke?

@Solomonsyldelle:
Yes . I 'm fine mostly.
And you dear.
How are you these days?

Carlang said...

@ guerrianaija:
I dont know.
Portugese , spanish.
They all make me just want to go faster....
lol.

@Buttercup
Loooove your ID.
Had a crush on Power girls a long long lonnnnnng time ago.
I'll update soon.

@Jaja:
My brother. Na true talk be that oh!!

@ Ms Catwalq:
After you.
Look who is talking.
My freind you better be three weeks away from anouncing the publishing of your book..
Or i'll make your red bleed with purple.

@NIMMO:
Thanks.
WHat's up?

theicequeen said...

me and mizchif both!! carlang has groupies!!*waiting for the complementary tee*:P...i enjoyed this mahn..i really did! started laughing at the part where you were stealing cake....

and lol at the description of when she entred the room...doves? violins KE? what bout that cliched golden light thing?? how could you skip that?

Nine said...

Dude!!!She speaks Spanish!I mean,the fact that she's a lawyer is a minus,but she speaks SPANISH!!Do not EFF this up!

Okay*calming down now*

Nine said...

PS Tell Jeff he was trapped a long time ago.He just refuses to admit it to himself.Sorta like you:)

Lighty 'neferet' Kopearl said...

carlang. i av a lot to make up to u. i know. am so sorry. and i would do. plz check ur mail sumtym this week.


vote lighty blogville idol tomorrow.

Queen of My Castle said...

A wittle wittle birdie told me that today is your birthday. (Smirking)

Feliz cumpleanos a tu, mi hermoso senor.

mizchif said...

For lack of a better avenue, had to come here to wish you happy birthday, so.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLANG!!! Hope u have loads of fun!

theicequeen said...

for lack of a better medium, like Mizchif said...Happy birthday shweedie!!!!(insert well wishes and loadsa luv here)

im third...i planned to be first to say it on bloggsville..i really did, i saw the date on one of your posts or somwehere..i made a mental note of it...and then come today, i totally blanked out...whattttt?!..thank God for the birthday fairy that reminded me.. :P

ablackjamesbond said...

Wow...i am humbled!

Mz. Dee said...

Loooooool!! I loved this so much!!!
Actually went and printed it for my dad to read...!
I think i'm gonna make u my mentor... ure bloody awesome!
Lol @ grabbin the peanutz and actin lyk a doctor.. how do they relate???

once again.. LOVED THIS!

Black Man Comes said...

Dude... you is a pimp mehn. So what happened with the lady? Any follow ups yet? Something tells me she already figured out your a$$ aint no doctor or she really wouldnt mind. thats been creative men. and whats it with girls that just makes a brother all tied up inside and mouth dry when they should be whispering sweet nutins?

Mabijo said...

2012-Carl with a C married Andromeda