Saturday, September 1, 2007

Mans Best Fiends.


Yesterday I returned home to find one of my neighbors standing by my door.
“I need your help” she said.
I pretended to search for my keys in my pocket while I went over the list of things I could possibly help her with.

Water her flowers.
Lend her money.
Kill her boyfriend and make away with the life insurance.

“I need you to go jogging with me in the morning.” She asked.
Oh.
“Let me help you with that.” She offered pointing to the folder in my arm.
“Oh no. It’s okay.” I mumbled.

The last thing I wanted was for my neighbor to find out that I actually subscribed for Playboy.
I asked her what time she wanted to leave. She said five. I suggested six. So five thirty it was. We agreed to meet by the gate when she flashed me. I opened my door to go in .She offered again to carry my folder for me.

“No really. It’s okay. “I insisted firmly. Tucking Victoria Silvesdt bared secrets father beneath my arm. Her offer was becoming suspicious. Was she a spy working for my mum?

The next morning. I was just about to shoot the world’s most notorious terrorist who looked a lot like Mickey Mouse when my ringing phone woke me up from my dream.
“Hello. I’m calling to flash you.”
It was the lady my jogging partner.

I stumbled into my wardrobe looking for what to wear. I had three pairs of sneakers. All in pretty good condition. I didn’t want to ruin any yet. I looked father in. I had a worn out pair of safety boots.
Aha!

To give her her due she didn’t say anything about my shoes until we started. And then she quietly asked me between puffs.

“Are you wearing boots?”
“Safety boots “I corrected. “If anyone tries to rob us I can kick him with it. And if that doesn’t work I can give them to him.”
She nodded her head. In agreement or amusement. I wasn’t sure.

We stayed quiet for the next five minutes. She was trotting with me clanging alongside.
Then the race started.

Slowly I noticed that she was pulling ahead of me. I’m a ladies man. Few things are more erotic that walking behind a lady with a particularly nice tail. But first of all it was five thirty in the morninng or thereabouts. I couldn’t see anything. Second of all she was leading. How could she? I was supposed to be the one in charge.

So I bucked up and ran harder till l reached her. I waited till I was almost alongside her and then I increased my pace. Thirty seconds later I was ahead of her.
Clang clang. Went my safety boots.
I could hear the crowd roar in support.
Go Carl go!
That ought to send a message home.

And then through the roar of the crowd I heard the distinct chump chump of her Nikes. Another second and she was beside me. Matching me step for step. I searched within for inner strength .I closed my eyes and searched for my inner chi .
See Master Wong, page 65 of the book. How to find your inner chi when your eyes are closed.
I opened my eyes and she was ahead. Speeding away.
It was official. We were no longer jogging for fun.

It was now a matter of honor. A battle of the sexes at 5.45 in the morning. Who was going to win? My neighbor who probably had never jogged in her life. Or dashing, strong muscular and all around good guy me.
Please. Like she has a chance.
I tossed aside my inner chi .I’d need more than that. I grabbed my manly pride and I ran.

We ran. No longer where we jogging. It was a race. You should have seen us. We raced down the streets heaving our lungs out. We were side by side. My nostrils flared as I gasped out my determination to win this one. Sweat poured over us, drenching us like we had just taken a shower. We ran alongside each other refusing to yield. The 100 meter eternal dash was on and it was going to be a tough one.

I was determined. Whatever the outcome. She wasn’t going to win.

And then we heard the growl.
It was low. The vibrations reached our pulsing ears. I looked back out of curiosity. A quick glance. Not to be outdone she joined me.

We saw them. Three dogs. Eyes glowing red in the dark. Their fangs hung out of their lip. One of them winked at me. And then they came after us. The lead dog let out a loud howl as they galloped towards their prey.

It was 5.47. If their plan went through, by 5.48 we would be breakfast.

Not if we had a say in it.

Without a word to each other. We changed our tactic. . We stopped running. No more 100 meter dash.
We started flying.

Our feet barely touched the floor as we streaked down the streets. A bus swung out of no where heading straight at us. Not to bothers. We jumped clear over it and kept on running. I don’t think I have ever run that fast or that hard. The entire time my female companion kept murmuring Jesus Jesus. The dogs kept howling and stayed with us.

By 5.48 we were still alive but I could feel the energy waning. The rate we were going we wouldn’t make it. My neighbor’s chants were now just jeezzzzzzz jeezzzzz. Even the dogs seem tired by their sprint. We must have covered 5 states in one minute.

Yes…that was us you saw outside your window.

And then, just when I was about to call it a truce and ask the dogs If they liked me with or without ketchup ,the dogs stopped running. They just slid to a stop and started barking after us. Maybe they got tired of chasing us. Maybe the found some other breakfast. Maybe jezzzzz finally answered our prayers and sent a couple of cats our way.

I’ll never know.

Five lifetimes later it was 5.53.
We were back where we started. The gate. Normally we were supposed to do a couple of cool down sequences and some stretches but I was done with exercise. I had lost 3 kilos, my honor and my love for dogs out there. What more was there to loose?

We stood beside each other in appraisal. Warriors in combat.
“That was a good race.” She finally said.
I nodded. And then started laughing. She joined in. We laughed for a minute. Wild hysterical unrestrained laugher. At the back of it all, I heard my other neighbors locking their door.

Idiots laughing at 5 in the morning. You can’t be too sure

Eventually we calmed down. “Same time tomorrow?” She asked.
I smiled and nodded.
“Sure.”
And then I remembered.
By the way “My name’s Carl.”
She gave me a cute smile. She was cute.
“Onyi“ She
said and walked away.

I stared.

She did have a nice ass.

6.30am

Someone knocked on my door.
It was another of my neighbors. Some guy that lived next door.
“We’re playing foot ball and we’re a man short. You want to join in?”
I slammed the door and went back to my Vitoria Silvesdt Playboy magazine.

What’s the point being healthy if it kills you?

14 comments:

Jeff Corbin said...

“Hello. I’m calling to flash you.”

Typical Naija! lol

"I closed my eyes and searched for my inner chi .
See Master Wong, page 65 of the book. How to find your inner chi when your eyes are closed."
"We saw them. Three dogs. Eyes glowing red in the dark."

Now thats hilarious man.

'“Onyi“ She said and walked away.'

And then he ruins it for me...CARL!
Oh and before people start thinking i got beef with the ladies...its an inside thing.

All and all, lovely story man. :)

30+ said...

You are so silly man, LMAO 5 States in how many minutes, do the dogs like with ketchup (lol) oh my days you are clown.

Na real inner Chi, you crack me up man.

Thx for stopping by mine.

bighead said...

Quite funny post. You gat to learn the language of the dogs man. Watch Chronicles of Riddick. master wong is outdated.

Ugo Daniels said...

damn, that was some funny shit! You berra show her who's da boss next tym oo! Aha

Carlang said...

@ Jeff: Silly. How did i spoil it for you....Na only you like woman?

@+30: it was lovely stopping by your psot. Evenlovelier having you stop by mine.

@ big head: I have in fact watched chronicles of riddick and i am afraid i have to correct you.
Master WOng is more recent.
For instance Woof WOff Bark woof in riddick is now simply translated as .. woof woof meow wooof woofy.
See?
Glad to be of service.

@Ugo: Thanks mate. I'll take the advise to heart.

Nyemoni said...

LOL, LOL, LOL...very funny! I like your writing style... Thanks for stopping by my space mate and yeah I saw you zapping round the globe!

UndaCovaSista said...

LMAO!!! Thank God i'm alone right now. That was maaaad-funny!

Nice blog....

Baroque said...

...were you guys the ones i saw that morning when i was taking a leak?
...jeeez weeez, you ran, what were the boots for? 110m hurdles?
...how come you never noticed Onyi?
...ol boy, lets hear about the next 'race' oh, quick quick!

welcome to blogsville, i think i like your spot

Hopeful B! said...

All i can do is just lol..........u r rib cracking.......

Queen of My Castle said...

LMAO! That's exactly why I am a dancer and NOT a jogger/runner. Never saw any dogs chasing a dancer in the midst of a graceful arabesque!

*shaking head at she had a nice ass comment* What is it with you men and nice bottoms? LOL

Carlang said...

@ nyemoni: Aw shucks. I'm blushing. Thanks for stopping by. I cant believe it.I'm visited by royalty. No kididng...the only nyemoni in blogspot and she stops by...lol.

@und4coversista: lol. Thanks..glad to be of service

@baroque: quite possibly. Was the guy you saw wearing a white shirt with a tie an a pair of boots. He had a cape on as well...
yes?
Well that wasnt me oh!!

@ hopeful b: Thanks for the compliment.

@queen of my castle:
*shaking head at she had a nice ass comment* What is it with you men and nice bottoms? LOl

i dont know. WHy do women spend so much flaunting it?
lol!

dancing huh?
Is it true what they say about dancers...

100%Lighty said...

lol!!!!! u're hysterical. love the post. combination of words superb.

u slammed the door on ur neighbour's face? i bet if it were a lady, who called u 4 another jogg u wuldnt hesitate. u're so into the girlies aint ya?

femme said...

hilarious and wonderfully written.
grabbing the manly pride was a bit ambiguous. or was it just me?
love ur blog

Baroque said...

if so, then it wasnt you i saw!
& this one you know what Nyemoni means, where you from?