Thursday, September 20, 2007

Me and I

The sun was warm outside.
The first bit of sunshine we had had in 2 weeks. Plenty of things to do on such a day.
Go out for a long walk.
Finally get to do my laundry.
Go to the rainmaker and burn his house down.
Instead of these lovely options I was stuck indoors with a girl.

She was lovely. She was very sexy. She was my friend’s girlfriend.
My friend, (whose girlfriend I was babysitting at his request) had left for Abuja in the morning. It was almost 4. He was supposed to be there by now. He hadn’t called since he left. His girlfriend, like girls are wont to do, was freaking out.
“Maybe he is dead?” She said to me as I struggled to read the 45th page of a novel for the 17th time. We’d tried playing scrabble but she couldn’t concentrate long enough.
“Maybe.” I agreed.
“How can you say that?” She screamed at me.
I looked at her. “I thought you said it first.”
Girls have unbelievably selective memory.
“He should call. I’ll kill him. I swear. I’ll kill him. I don’t care what his excuse is. When I see him I’ll kill him.” She said.
“And if his excuse is that he is dead? You’ll still go on and kill him?” I asked sagely.
“Carlang!!” she screamed. Her eyes looked like I just announced that I had a cobra as a pet snake.
“What? You started it. Look, I think he is fine. He probably just got struck in traffic or something. To be fair to him, He doesn’t normally die when he travels. I’d remember.”
She punched me and then attacked me.
Which was what I wanted in the first place. Something to get her mind of its self destructive panic. Mid way through her sleeper hold move on my neck, Just when i was about to break into tears and apologise for my insenstivity,Her phone rang.
The ringtone was the first verse of Frank Sinatra’s song Unforgettable.
It was him. The MIA Boyfriend.
Franks Sinatra? Love was so yucky!
They spent three minutes on the phone trading words in lover’s lingo—a wild mixture of I love you. I miss you. Low tones as she whispered some silly dark fantasy. Maybe he whispered the second verse of Sinatra’s hit in return—and then they where done.
Lovers. Even more yucky!!

She looked at me after she hung up. An annoying sweet smile on her face. To see her now you wouldn’t believe she was about to go Clifford Orji on me five minutes ago.
“Wow. You really scolded him. I’m sure he’ll never do it again!” I said with sarcasm trying to fix my book.
Somewhere between my floggings she had managed to rip off the cover of my novel.
“Oh. I’m sorry. Did I do that?”
“No. The page ripped off on its own. It’s suing the rest of the book.”
She laughed at me.
“You’re really silly.”
I waved her off and smiled as well. I didn’t dispute that. People had been calling me silly all my life. Eventually you got to accept that maybe, in some way, you really where silly!

The she saw the ring on my finger.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Oh this. It’s my engagement ring.”
She screamed. Is there a law somewhere that girls always have to scream? I stared warily at my bottle of coke. If her scream broke the bottle…
She rushed over to my side eagerly. She had the “Hurray. Gist. Gist” looks on her face.
“You’re engaged and you didn’t tell us. When? Who are you engaged too?” her eyes sparkled.
Girls and gossip. They're like guys and porn.
“I’m engaged to me.”
She looked at me with a frown.
“What do you mean?”
I stared at her pursed face “It’s really very simple. I’m going out with the coolest guy in the world.” I pointed at my chest “Me!”
“You’re dating yourself.” She said warily. The “Hurray. Gist. Gist” look was gone. Now it was just the “Carlang is the dumbest boy in the whole universe!” look. I was used to those.

“Yes. This isn’t some Narcissist thingy .Trust me it’s the coolest thing in the world. We hang out together. Gist together. We go out together. Me and I. Just yesterday I was going out for a walk with me; was so romantic.” I hugged myself “Anyways... then I told me the loveliest joke ever. The one about the nuns? Yes that one. We couldn’t stop laughing. I told me it was the funniest joke he had ever heard. We went delirious.”
“We?” She asked.
“I and me!”
“Oh please Carl. That ridiculous.”
“Is it? On the contrary. My relationship is filled with advantages.” I countered.
“Like?” She asked.
I stared thoughtfully into space.
“Well... take travelling for instance. Every time I travel I know exactly where I am. I don’t need to worry about how I’m doing because I’m always with me!”
She laughed.
“No seriously. No one in the world understands me better than me so who better to date than the one guy who knows me best. “
“You.” She pointed out.
“Me.” I agreed.

The sun was still warm outside. I wondered what the rainmaker was doing.
She sat down and thought for a moment.
“What about sex? How do you ...”
“Sex? Well first of all I don’t agree with most people that a relationship is naught without sex. I think sex is overrated.”
“You do? “ She asked with a smile.
“Yes. I do. But…sometimes when the urge…..overwhelming… I have methods….”
“Methods?” She had a ridiculous smile. I was instantly wary. The “Hurray. Gist. Gist” look was back.
“Yes. Tell me something. Do you know your spots...your erogenous spots? Places on your body that drive you crazy...I bet you do. Now seeing as you know your body so well, who could possibly be a better lover to you than you?”
She frowned.
“Doesn’t that make you gay?”
“On the contrary.” I retorted. “The beauty of having erotic fantasies is you can have anyone else you want in it. Last night I was with Salma Hayek. The night before I was with Halle Berry. Did you know that Janet Jackson has a tattoo on her left bum?”
“She does?”
“Off course!!I saw it in my fantasy five days ago. It’s really lovely. A sweet teddy bear.”
“Janet Jackson has got a teddy bear on her bum?”
“That’s nothing. You should see my fantasies with Toni Braxton. She’s keeps singing.” I scoffed.
We both burst out laughing.
She suggested we play scrabble again and I agreed. I made sure she won. Three times.
The thing a guy has to do.

Eventually I had to leave. The sun had set behind the hills and the moon was doing warm up laps behind the clouds. The night was still cloaked with soft residual warmth from the day. A perfect day followed by a perfect night.
She tried to get me to stay longer but I really couldn’t. I had a long day ahead tomorrow and my friend was a very jealous guy. He had asked me to babysit her during the day so she wouldn’t miss him that badly.
My job was done.
It had been a lovely day.
I was still sad that I had missed out on burning the rainmaker’s house. I hoped someone else did it.
“Please stay. At least for supper.“
“Thanks dear. I would have loved too. But I can’t. You’ve beaten me three times in scrabble already. I can’t survive a fourth. Besides I promised me we would watch a movie together this evening. If I called me and cancelled I wouldn’t forgive myself.”
She laughed.
“You, Carlang, are a silly person.”
Everyone says that.

Much later that perfect night as I lay alone in bed with my two pillows and a blanket. I closed my eyes and came face to face with a sad truth about my self relationship.
I was lonely.
No matter how hard I bullshit every other people.
When I come to bed and I’m alone.
I can’t bullshit me.
I never fall for it.
Sometimes, I hate hanging around me.


100%Lighty said...

awww dont feel lonely luv, u'll be fine.
but u know u're really silly. hugging urself and telling u jokes. lol!
plus ur friend must really trust u, leaving his girl with u.
i hope datz the last babysittin u're doin tho, we dont want nothing sparking up.

ozaveshe said...

AAARGH!!!!! Thot i'd be the first!

anyway, i feel you. the loneliness eats me inside as well (or maybe its hunger sha)

sometimess when u are lonely, though, its cos you choose to remain that way. i'm sure there's at least one girl somewhere who's ready and willing to give you everything.

careful with the babysitting sha!
sleeper hold ke? ah! that is dangerous ground o!

Queen of My Castle said...

Ay pobrecito (oh poor thing) Sometimes we non-Nigerians use Spanish, not French. LOL

Loneliness sucks sometimes. You sound like you could really use a hug. I actually think it to be a good thing that you have a high awareness of self. So many people are lacking in that area. Some of the best conversations I have are with myself.

Take it easy with the gf sitting. Attraction can stem from the least likely of sources. ;-)

bumight said...

lol: girls and gossip, like guys and porn? hmnn *scratches chin*

Queen of My Castle said...

YAY for me!!!! I earned a coveted spot on your fav blogs! MUAH!!!! Thanks babe. LOL

Anonymous said...

wow. i'm jealous!

princesa said...

No matter how much we hide from it, the truth still remains that man was not meant to be ALONE! God didnt design it that way!!
I pray you find your eve soon Carlang.
I am searching for my Adam too,lol.

bighead said...

So you didn't get jealous at carlang for spending so much time with another person. That's infidelity. Infact you should by now be upset by the amount of time carlang spends with blogsville, psp, and all the other stuff you does. abi was it carlang?

Arewa said...

AAAWWWWWWW {Big hug} x x

yinka said...

sure being lonely sucks,
as for me, i was lonely for sooo long that when i eventually got myself a guy and a relationship, i missed being lonely so almost two years i...sorry we broke it off. now thats freaky yeah?

Carlang said...

100%lightly: Me silly?
WHy does that always pop up.
Thanks for the " awwwwww".
Really sweet of you!!
Yeah he trusts me. I'm that kind of guy... fortunately she isnt my type.
She wrestles...

@Ozaveshe: Lol.
I'm sorry. Next time i;ll send you a message letting you know before hand when next i put up my post.

the dangerous ground you;re talking..
that;s the sleeper hold move right?
And not my proximity to a healthy warm voluptious female is it?

@ queen of my castle:
Mon ami.
WHy everyoneis hinting that i might be making a mistake hanging around full blooded females...
Je ne sais pas!!

We nigerians sometimes use french every now and then...
For instance the words menage a trois is a known favorite between males..
the reasons behind this?
Mon dieu!
My lips are sealed..

Yes maybe i;m lonely.
i think a part of me enjoys being lonely.It has it;s certain benefits sometimes.
One cannot full enjoy the joie de vivre with a partner sometimes.
WOuldnt you agree?

Thanks for the advise and the words. It;s true. I think i have some of the best conversation with myself.
i think i'm a pretty good listener..
wouldnt you agree carlang..

Truth be told i;m nuts for spanish and so after reading the first line my blood pulse quickened, my eyes dimmed..
Ay caramba!!

@ Bumight: i have no wonder what you mean.
*Innocent smile*..

@geisha: Jealous?
Now why would you be?

@princess:: I;m searching for an eve...
YOu;re searching for an adam..
This just might be it...

@Arewa:: Mmmmmmmmmmmm.......
Loved the hug..
can i get another???

@bighead: Carlang? DOnt mind him. I;ve about had it with his lack of attention. WHy just today as i tried to talk to him he sat down and started replying comments on blogville..
Replying comments i tell you!!
I mean.. who does anything so ancient these days?

@ Yinka: LOl.
I can relate to that.
Inthe end i think there are advantages for and against being single.
welcome to blogsville!!!

Aijay said...

Lol @ law for girls to scream. You don't want to meet me then, cos my scream is glass shattering. Lol.
This is a really funny post but I like your admission in the last paragraph.
Loneliness sucks big time. Not to worry, you'll find her soon.

Btw, I find this concept of babysitting a grown ass woman rather interesting.

Queen of My Castle said...

LOL...I was nice,I translated, but you failed to provide me with translations...

Ay papi guapo, tengo ganas de estar contigo por vida porque te amo con todo mi corazon.

Jaja said...

You drip with Sarcasm...

You keep cheating on yourself with yourself...

Obinwanne said...


femme said...

carlang is alone
carlang is alone
ee ya ee ya o!

princesa said...

Oya update MR!

Nyemoni said...

Awwww. Dang dear...why don't you make the best of this by discovering yourself..Try to do things you enjoy doing solo, trust me, a time will come when you'll need your space and I'm not just sayin!

Thanks for the love on my birthday! Really appreciate it...and how did you celebrate your mums? Yes, its Ok to blow me a kiss so did you? LOL! Stay blessed dear!

UndaCovaSista said...

Aaah pele o! But firstly, congratulations on another excellent post. I love the way you set the scene and build up to your point. It never fails to draw me in.

You don't specify if your loneliness is general or specific i.e. are you starved of female company/attention/whatever, or do you just feel lonely full stop?

I will not attempt to offer advice as these feelings usually pass after they've run their course. Hang in there, dude..

100%Lighty said...


Carlang said...

@ undercovasista: Thanks for the compliment. You're right in pointing out that there are in diffrent forms of loneliness. I guess sometimes not having someone to talk too for the hell of it gets to me.
so i guess... i just feel lonely..
er.. full stop!!
p.s Hurray...
You're back!!

@100% lightly: Yes dear. I have been away. Missing you?
That happened like 2 months ago. I have gone way pass missing you . It';s a wonder i can seat still and type this. How are you darling?
WHat;s up...
Heading over to your page..

@ nyemoni: Lol. thanks. Everyone tells me the same thing. A time will come when i wish i was
Aw shucks..
i hope you had a happy birthday..
and yes..
here's your kiss.
i wasnt there to celebrate my mum's .. which was a good thing since it meant she got to have fun!!

@ femme:
Yes i'm alone.
yes i;m alone...
boo hooo!!!

@ Jaja: Me sacrastic?
No way..

@ queen of my castle: Aw come on!!
How am i suppose to know what that means... asked for it...
the gloves are off..
i dare you to translate this...


You rock!!

@ obinnwanne: Mmmmmmm???

@ princesa: Update? Okay... give me a second..

@ Aijay: SO you;re one of them.. lol.
thanks for the compliment on my post..
dont mind me .I think it;s kinda sweet when girls do that...
who said baby sitting is dangerous and intresting...
You just take care of the baby and leave it's sweets alone....
dont go near the milk...

Naapali said...

From this first time, late comer, enjoyed ur writing. Loved the line about the night basking in residual warmth of the day. Keep loving yourself bro!