The sun was warm outside.
The first bit of sunshine we had had in 2 weeks. Plenty of things to do on such a day.
Go out for a long walk.
Finally get to do my laundry.
Go to the rainmaker and burn his house down.
Instead of these lovely options I was stuck indoors with a girl.
She was lovely. She was very sexy. She was my friend’s girlfriend.
My friend, (whose girlfriend I was babysitting at his request) had left for Abuja in the morning. It was almost 4. He was supposed to be there by now. He hadn’t called since he left. His girlfriend, like girls are wont to do, was freaking out.
“Maybe he is dead?” She said to me as I struggled to read the 45th page of a novel for the 17th time. We’d tried playing scrabble but she couldn’t concentrate long enough.
“Maybe.” I agreed.
“How can you say that?” She screamed at me.
I looked at her. “I thought you said it first.”
Girls have unbelievably selective memory.
“He should call. I’ll kill him. I swear. I’ll kill him. I don’t care what his excuse is. When I see him I’ll kill him.” She said.
“And if his excuse is that he is dead? You’ll still go on and kill him?” I asked sagely.
“Carlang!!” she screamed. Her eyes looked like I just announced that I had a cobra as a pet snake.
“What? You started it. Look, I think he is fine. He probably just got struck in traffic or something. To be fair to him, He doesn’t normally die when he travels. I’d remember.”
She punched me and then attacked me.
Which was what I wanted in the first place. Something to get her mind of its self destructive panic. Mid way through her sleeper hold move on my neck, Just when i was about to break into tears and apologise for my insenstivity,Her phone rang.
The ringtone was the first verse of Frank Sinatra’s song Unforgettable.
It was him. The MIA Boyfriend.
Franks Sinatra? Love was so yucky!
They spent three minutes on the phone trading words in lover’s lingo—a wild mixture of I love you. I miss you. Low tones as she whispered some silly dark fantasy. Maybe he whispered the second verse of Sinatra’s hit in return—and then they where done.
Lovers. Even more yucky!!
She looked at me after she hung up. An annoying sweet smile on her face. To see her now you wouldn’t believe she was about to go Clifford Orji on me five minutes ago.
“Wow. You really scolded him. I’m sure he’ll never do it again!” I said with sarcasm trying to fix my book.
Somewhere between my floggings she had managed to rip off the cover of my novel.
“Oh. I’m sorry. Did I do that?”
“No. The page ripped off on its own. It’s suing the rest of the book.”
She laughed at me.
“You’re really silly.”
I waved her off and smiled as well. I didn’t dispute that. People had been calling me silly all my life. Eventually you got to accept that maybe, in some way, you really where silly!
The she saw the ring on my finger.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“Oh this. It’s my engagement ring.”
She screamed. Is there a law somewhere that girls always have to scream? I stared warily at my bottle of coke. If her scream broke the bottle…
She rushed over to my side eagerly. She had the “Hurray. Gist. Gist” looks on her face.
“You’re engaged and you didn’t tell us. When? Who are you engaged too?” her eyes sparkled.
Girls and gossip. They're like guys and porn.
“I’m engaged to me.”
She looked at me with a frown.
“What do you mean?”
I stared at her pursed face “It’s really very simple. I’m going out with the coolest guy in the world.” I pointed at my chest “Me!”
“You’re dating yourself.” She said warily. The “Hurray. Gist. Gist” look was gone. Now it was just the “Carlang is the dumbest boy in the whole universe!” look. I was used to those.
“Yes. This isn’t some Narcissist thingy .Trust me it’s the coolest thing in the world. We hang out together. Gist together. We go out together. Me and I. Just yesterday I was going out for a walk with me; oh...it was so romantic.” I hugged myself “Anyways... then I told me the loveliest joke ever. The one about the nuns? Yes that one. We couldn’t stop laughing. I told me it was the funniest joke he had ever heard. We went delirious.”
“We?” She asked.
“I and me!”
“Oh please Carl. That ridiculous.”
“Is it? On the contrary. My relationship is filled with advantages.” I countered.
“Like?” She asked.
I stared thoughtfully into space.
“Well... take travelling for instance. Every time I travel I know exactly where I am. I don’t need to worry about how I’m doing because I’m always with me!”
“No seriously. No one in the world understands me better than me so who better to date than the one guy who knows me best. “
“You.” She pointed out.
“Me.” I agreed.
The sun was still warm outside. I wondered what the rainmaker was doing.
She sat down and thought for a moment.
“What about sex? How do you ...”
“Sex? Well first of all I don’t agree with most people that a relationship is naught without sex. I think sex is overrated.”
“You do? “ She asked with a smile.
“Yes. I do. But…sometimes when the urge gets...er…..overwhelming… I have methods….”
“Methods?” She had a ridiculous smile. I was instantly wary. The “Hurray. Gist. Gist” look was back.
“Yes. Tell me something. Do you know your spots...your erogenous spots? Places on your body that drive you crazy...I bet you do. Now seeing as you know your body so well, who could possibly be a better lover to you than you?”
“Doesn’t that make you gay?”
“On the contrary.” I retorted. “The beauty of having erotic fantasies is you can have anyone else you want in it. Last night I was with Salma Hayek. The night before I was with Halle Berry. Did you know that Janet Jackson has a tattoo on her left bum?”
“Off course!!I saw it in my fantasy five days ago. It’s really lovely. A sweet teddy bear.”
“Janet Jackson has got a teddy bear on her bum?”
“That’s nothing. You should see my fantasies with Toni Braxton. She’s keeps singing.” I scoffed.
We both burst out laughing.
She suggested we play scrabble again and I agreed. I made sure she won. Three times.
The thing a guy has to do.
Eventually I had to leave. The sun had set behind the hills and the moon was doing warm up laps behind the clouds. The night was still cloaked with soft residual warmth from the day. A perfect day followed by a perfect night.
She tried to get me to stay longer but I really couldn’t. I had a long day ahead tomorrow and my friend was a very jealous guy. He had asked me to babysit her during the day so she wouldn’t miss him that badly.
My job was done.
It had been a lovely day.
I was still sad that I had missed out on burning the rainmaker’s house. I hoped someone else did it.
“Please stay. At least for supper.“
“Thanks dear. I would have loved too. But I can’t. You’ve beaten me three times in scrabble already. I can’t survive a fourth. Besides I promised me we would watch a movie together this evening. If I called me and cancelled I wouldn’t forgive myself.”
“You, Carlang, are a silly person.”
Everyone says that.
Much later that perfect night as I lay alone in bed with my two pillows and a blanket. I closed my eyes and came face to face with a sad truth about my self relationship.
I was lonely.
No matter how hard I bullshit every other people.
When I come to bed and I’m alone.
I can’t bullshit me.
I never fall for it.
Sometimes, I hate hanging around me.