Thursday, January 17, 2008

Carl fights back.

It started out with a poll.

There I was seating in front of the computer screen.
One half of my face was lit with the light, the other half was hidden in the shadows.
The room was buried in the dark, Darker patches of inkiness announcing where furniture might be. The night had come with its predictable cocktail of darkness and fatigue and, just as predictably, I was bored out of my mind.
My blog page gazed back at me with a smirk. I had just finished reading comments left on my blog and for some inexplicable reasons the network wasn’t allowing me post a reply.
For want of something else to do I started the poll.

A little tiny box in the corner of the page.
If you weren’t looking you’d probably miss it. Most of you, in all likelihood did.
But it was there.
A little box on the corner of my page. In the box was a question.
Do you think Afrobabe is really secretly Jennifer Lopez?
The answers to the question, multiple-choiced where used in a poll that I had set up.

I chuckled to myself as I clicked the post button.
Even my blogpage stopped its act of rebellion long enough for the poll to be posted. It seemed to agree with me. The synchronism of man and machine, unified in goal. It appeared my blog thought putting up the poll was a good idea.
Delighted with the successful completion of setting up my poll I again tried to post a comment.
No dice. I got an all familar message.
Internet explorer cannot will not locate page. So there!!
It still wasn’t working.
Frustrated I turned of the system and made my way through the dark to the fridge. The ethereal light from the heaven of coke bottles bathed the room as i opened it.
I gave the computer a retaliatory smirk in return.
I can drink coke and you can’t.
The monitor gave a beep and powered off.
Show off.

Seven days later, after going through the staples of weekly life, I stopped by to check the results of my poll. Whilst it hadn’t exactly suffered an avalanche of contributors, there had been enough poll voters for me to discern the obvious overwhelming reply to my inquiry.
80% where convinced that I had lost my mind.

In other words. The sad answer was, No… Afrobabe wasn’t secretly really J-lo.
I sat with shock in front of the monitor, Feeling the patronizing arm of depression on my shoulder. For a second the words on the screen blurred as I let its import sink in. My spirit took a jump of the board of conjecture and dived into the well of despair, sinking miserably, shackled with grief, to stunned to fight it's plunge to the bottom.
And then, just when I felt there was no hope. I felt the flutter of it begin in my stomach. The faint flashs of lightning announcing the coming of a storm.
My vision cleared and I saw.
It continued here.

You see, dear Blogville, we have come to an interesting turn in our relationship. For the first time in 2008 a startling thing has occurred. We have come to a junction in beliefs and i'm taking a left.
Simpy put. I don’t agree with you all.
No... I’m not talking about the poll voiced opinion that I’ve lost my mind.
I completely agree on that count. In fact I think I voted for that cause. Twice.
No. That isn’t where my insurrection stems from.

Fact I’ve lost my mind.
I completely agree.
Fact: Afrobabe is not secretly Jennifer Lopez.
I completely disagree!!!
My faithful dear Blogsville you’re all wrong.
Afro babe is Jennifer Lopez.

And now the insurrection begins.

It is Plato who started the idea of idealism. The issue of form vs idea.The man lived over a thousand years ago, didn’t have a toothbrush. Was forced to wear a dress in the name of fashion and still managed to come up with a pretty neat philosophy. Here it is as I understand it.

Nothing in life is as it is. When we see an object and we call it a chair. We’re not referring to the object( or form). We’re referring to the idea of the object. What we define as a chair is something we can seat on. To that end a table can be substituted as a chair. If I had never seen a chair before and I stumbled across someone seating on a table. I would be well in my rights to call the table a chair. Because the table fills the idea of the chair.

When I suggested that Afrobabe was in reality Jennifer Lopez what did I mean?
(For god sakes would someone please tell Afrobabe to stop spluttering obscenities at the screen?)
I’ll tell you what I meant. I meant the idea that was Jennifer Lopez.
Fact Jennifer Lopez isn’t Jennifer Lopez!
COnfused? I should hope so . I got a headache when i tried grasping the logic behind the philosophy. If you're all tired you can stop reading.

Wait.. come back.....I'm joking!

The Jennifer Lopez we have an idea about, the successful media star with the body to die for, the drive to succeed and that marvelously fantastic derriere(Sigh) is really an illusion.
Thing is... it we did see her in person (Hello Naapali. This is MTV and you have just won a week with Jennifer Lopez for answering the question 1 + 1 =? Correctly!) She wouldn’t live up to our expectations. Her face wouldn’t be as perfectly made, the lovely derriere whilst still as lovely wouldn’t be that fantastic ( Why. it’s just the same size as Sade Adu's!!) and every once in a while , if we hung around long enough she just might break wind, bad enough for you to consider cutting your vacation short.
She just wouldn’t leave up to the idea that is Jennifer Lopez.
With camera work, media hype and the overworked imagination of fans it’s hard to leave up to the image.

And here’s where it comes in. My simple logical mind at work.
Jennifer Lopez is an attractive, successful and funny female.
Afrobabe is an attractive, successful and funny female.
Jennifer Lopez isn’t Jennifer Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez is Afro babe.
Afro babe is Jennifer Lopez. (The real one behind the idea.)
If we're going by Naapali's brilliant deduction that 1+1=2 (Congrats by the way!) then my philosophy really isnt that difficult to see.
Jennifer Lopez is Afrobabe!

Because. The idea I have of the real Jennifer Lopez fits that which I have of Afro babe I think I have every right to call this table a chair.
Afro babe is Jennifer Lopez.
Naapali is Ernest Hemingway.
Queenofmycastle is Vanessa Williams.
Undercovasista is Audrey Hepburn,
Fantasy queen is Cameron Diaz.
And Carlang is…….Carlang!

I suppose another way to state all this would be to say that i was being metaphorical. You know... Unnaked is a Stallion. Princessa is a Princess. Lighty is an Angel. . .That kind of thing?
But where's the fun in that?
Why say i was speaking metaphorical when i can spin some yarn about my ostensible knowledge of Plato's theory of idealism?
Not only do i get to sound like i know what i'm talking about but i also get to play the part of a lecturer. However pathetic the attempt might be.
Phew. It's been hard work though ,this lecturing thing.
No matter it has it's advantages.
Afrobabe carry my books and see me in my office.
There you go spluttering again.

It started with a poll.
It triggered an insurrection.
And now it comes to an end.


UndaCovaSista said...

Yay! Another Carlang post! Ok, off i go to make myself a cup of tea so i can settle down and read this properly..

First, BTW ;)

onydchic said...

*reads entire post ... waiting to see the ingenius deduction about JLo and Afrobabe... gets to the end... thinks for a bit...Drinks some water... thinks for a little bit more... and comes to a conclusion*

Ur off you're rocker. And I'm sure everyone else will agree with me.

And darn u, undacovasista, i was here FIRST!!!

UndaCovaSista said...

I'm Audrey Hepburn. Hmm. I can deal with that - iconic and beautiful on the inside, as well as outside. Thanks :)

The rest is a load of bulls$@t...but i love you all the same!

@onydchic - Tehehe...You've got to stake your spot, babes. Stake your spot :)

Onome said...

ok...first of all, i did not get a headache trying to follow your theory...granted am into afrobabe and all but how can u tell she's attractive or successful(no offense chic pls dont kill me)...yeah i dig her posts and i visit her page everyday..but can u tell she is??? if u want to equate her with a star watever happend to shakira??? she's more attractive and successful dan j-lo..........

Afrobabe said...

Ok...was gonna say u have gone totally mad proffessor on us till I saw Undercovasista accept has gracefully...

dann if she can be Audrey then I def can be Jennifer Lopez...

Took me a while to get to the end of the post cos I kept stopping to curse then I would see (For god sakes would someone please tell Afrobabe to stop spluttering obscenities at the screen?)

yes I was, in all languages known to man....

and while trying to type this comment another person has commented again..and I just read it...


Infact, jealousy want kill you...I am in fact Jennifer lopez, Naija version....

Queen of My Castle said...

LMAO!!!! You this have some mind there. I am loving the fact that I am Vanessa Williams. She's sexy, beautiful, and just a tad bit naughty (Remember she was Miss America, but was dethroned because of some nude pics she once took).

Onome said...

@afrobabe:ROFLMAO!!!! I could never be jealous of u me(lol)...would really love to see u in d flesh though..den i'll decide(hahahahaha)meanwhile, update....

nameless.poetical. said...


in a twisted trapped-for-too-long-in-my-own-head kind of way, i get what you said...

"Nothing in life is as it is. When we see an object and we call it a chair. We’re not referring to the object( or form). We’re referring to the idea of the object. What we define as a chair is something we can seat on. To that end a table can be substituted as a chair. If I had never seen a chair before and I stumbled across someone seating on a table. I would be well in my rights to call the table a chair. Because the table fills the idea of the chair."

you just explained 3 weeks worth of my last year's political philosophy class with that paragraph...too bad you didnt post this earlier...

and why dont i get to be anyone huh?????!!!!!!

UndaCovaSista said...

@ Queen of my Castle - Lol! That is such a nigerian expression " this Carlang". contagious, we are :)

darkelcee said...


If you are a shrink, it is likely you confuse your patients the more.

In summary, you might need to see one yourself or
take another bottle of coke to calm down!


Hengish said...


Confusion in a can!

guerreiranigeriana said...

hahahahahaha...oh, how i love reading you carlang...what a piece of work...they do say that to be truly creative, you must be a wee bit insane...*lifts her glass of red wine* is to you and your creative insanity...

...great post, although, i like shakira better and would rather that afrobabe be her...all in favor that afrobabe be shakira?...oh...ooops...afrobabe, is that ok?...

bumight said...

Not only have you lost your mind, the probability that you would find it is...getting quite dim!
Whatever you did with the real carlang, bring him back!!!!

Naapali said...

Your mind is truly logical but simple it is not!

I envision a heaven where I get to sit with you, ah2-2, jaja, catwalq, SSD, afrobabe, in a smoke filled lounge (not necessarily cigarette smoke) as we discuss the likelihood of UnNaked and Princesa running away together. aahhh.

Maybe we will talk or maybe we will sit in silence and just nod our heads.

As an aside, if you have not read Jose Saramago, I suggest you do. Blindness, The Stone Raft or The Cave would be ideal.

little miss me said...

how are we so sure carlang is carlang?following the theory of the great plato 'form vs idea' ,you could be anyone ranging from woody allen to jada pinkett smith! how are we so

Queen of My Castle said...

@ Undacovasista...OMG! You noticed that? LOL, okay I am so embarrassed now. I feel like the White kid that's trying to be all hip and down, but the phrases are so catchy. I love them sha.

Atutupoyoyo said...

Ridiculous. Brilliant. Superlatives extinguished.

I do hope you all realise that this as good a lesson in philosophy as you are ever likely to receive. Quite magnificent.

Recommended reading to continue your education; Anything by Kurt Vonnegut.

@Naapali: That heaven would be one hell of a get-together.

Lighty said...

@ queen of my castle. there u go again with it; 'sha' lol!

carlang. so u point is? u are trying to say the name j.lo is an idea? or afrobabe is idealy j.lo? or the idea sorrounding j.lo is afrobabe? wotever it is carlang, makes me shake my head and wonder wot planet u dropped from. i kinda see the logic behind it tho but wouldnt av thot of it. actually checking out afrobabe's butt now, she could well be j.lo

Hengish said...

I finally read all your posts.

I don't care what people say but I have a huge crush on your blog.

I am in love with your blog.

I love Carlang's blog.

You know what they say about funny guys.

I was in stitches.

I have never laughed so hard in my life.

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

oh dear, what has thou been drinking/smoking/eating?

stop it now!!!!!!!

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

Naapali: how about a under a bedouin tent, lounging against silk covered pillows and listening to faint sounds of the flute as we sip bitter afraid, cannot do smoke of any kind but let me know the day of the party and I promise you i will be there. I might even supply belly dancers


oh my, an insurrection indeed, lol! I get your point but I have to say that you are right, you have lost your mind. hahaha

lol @ afrobabe's gracious acceptance speech.

Jaja said...

Brilliant brilliant.

Guy ur too much. Havnt laughed so much in a while.
The philosophy isnt half bad, its only you who is stark raving mad. I swear.

desperate lady said...

Ur voice is sexy as fuck!damn!

desperate lady said...

Ur kidding me with this post aren't ya? I just wanna believe u did this out of boredom, and now ur back to skool, i doubt if i'll see this again.
U are so weirddddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!

Carlang said...

@ Undacovasista: Bullshit?
Hello dear.
Thanks for the honest *hard glare* appraisal of my latest work.
And you where first too..
How cool is that.
Audrey Hepburn first on my blog.
I'm all blushing.

@ Onyidichic: if i was to choose a worthy follower in the wake of the USS Undacovasista it would be you Onyi.
Nevermind that you didnt make it first in.
You didnt understand my ramblings...
How to fix this.
What say you we set up a private lecture. You and I?
The chic and the loony!

@Undacovasista: It;s always fun chating with you so.. i'll do it again.

You;re telling me that if i where to suddenly liken you to Jlo you would have a problem with it?
You would?
And are you publicly stating that you dont think that Afrobabe is succesful and attractive?
Ooh catfight cometh!!
Tell you what.
How about you be Shakira.
I can see it already.
Shakira takes on Jlo.
SOmeone hold me ...
It's Christmas again!!

@ Afrobabe:
Ahh... Jlo comes to pay a visit.
Thanks dear.
It's okay if you were cursing.
I was laughing the entire time i typed the blog.
i cant resist writing you without using italics so..
Hello Jlo. Howz life in the fabulous world of you?

Howz preps for that exam coming on?

Lifestyle of the Rich and the famous!

@ QUeenofmycastle:
Yes, i know of Vanessa Williams flirt with naughtiness.
You this girl.
That's why i likened you to her.
Glad you loved the blog dear.
Here;s another Nigerian lingo.
You too much!

@ Poetical:
Oh comeon!
You get to be anything you want to be.
Which is a much better fate than the five i picked out.
Glad i was off service.
Is there anyother topic you might have a problem understanding?

@ Darlelcee:
A girl who thinks i'm nuts and encourages my addiction with coke.
i think i;m in love!!

@ Hengish:
Thanks dear.
Glad you found my blog intersting. I'll stop by yours soon.

@ Guerrieanigerian: Well..
To tell you the truth i always had you down as Shakira.
Still.. If you want to swap that badly with Afrobabe..
Thanks dear.
Seems everyone is convinced of the fact that i;m insane..
Is that okay?
*Worried Scratch of head*

@ Bumight:
She is unto us.
We must gets rid of hers immeidately.
She knows the truths.
We hates her..SHe knows we ares not Carls...
The precious shall save us..
The preciousss...

@ Naapali:
Thanks N.
I'll try and get the books as soon as i can.
Your dream of heaven sounds nice.
I vote we dont talk.

@ little Miss me:
Oh to be likened to Woody Allen.
You do me great honor Ma'm.
I'm nuts for the little bespectacled imp of wit.
How are we sure Carl is not carl?
i dont know.
Come to think about it ...
Who is carl?

@ Queenofmycastle:
Off course she noticed..
I noticed too.
And i think...
it's really sweet.
Dont sweat it.
Here's another.
Nothing do you!

@ Autopuyoyo:
Yes. Naapali's idea of heaven would be nice.
I'll try and get the books you both reccomended although seeing as i'm in Nigeria for a bit i might have a not so easy time.
In the end i might just have to download an e-copy.
Do you have a link where i can buy one?

@ Lighty:
lighty my love.
I have missed our chats.
Too much for our own good.

you see Afrobabe's butt..
You can see it?
Quick .. give me a description.

@ Hengish: Thanks dear.
It's always nice when someone loves your blog.

@ Catwalq:
I promise you my next blog will be as sane as i can make it.
About this bedouin tent fantasy of mine that you mentioned..
with belly dancers too..
You wouldnt be teasing a poor idiotic wistful blogger like me would you?

Afrobabe was graceful wasnt she?
Thanks for supportin ghte insurrection.
Next i;m attacking the Nigerian National Anthem,
WHo is with me?

Hang on some army guys are at my door!

@ Jaja:
To be called starked raving Mad. Sir I salute you .
Glad you loved the blog.

@ Desperatelady:
My voice is sexy?
Yes you are right.
I am weird.
And to prove that i have to correct your inital deduction.
I didnt do it out of boredom!

Dont worry..
2008 is a long time and blogville is fun.
Mix those two together and i dont see me staying away..

geisha said...

hello audrey, j-lo, vanessa, cameron and ernest.
i'm lorelai gilmore

Miss Maple said...

I got a headache half way thru the post.
I give up.

Afrobabe said...

(Still being gracious) I am in with Naapali's idea which Cat has agreed to provide belly dancers...Lets do the egyptian theme,loads of transparent silk!!!

Naapali said...

Perhaps this bedouin tent should be in Marrakech. We already have Audrey "Undacovasista" Hepburn to show us the way. Can't wait to pick out my camel.

UndaCovaSista said...

*sidles up to Naapali. Glances around furtively, and whispers loudly* ... what makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well...

Ejura said...

Wow, you do spin words don't you? I just snuck by your page to know who it was that had a pimply faced girl as his first crush when I stumbled upon all this. I read a few lines, went down an entire paragraph, gave up, mustered some more determination until I got to the end of it all.
I once told someone that nothing stopped a biro from being called a dog or a car from being called a pig and he thought I was wierd and sick.
I give you the same compliments.
You're a good read. I'll be back.

Ejura said...

Forget to let you know- I'm not ejura. I'm Beyonce.

Ejura said...

No, i am not Beyonce, I am Akon.

Ejura said...

Now thanks to you I have a case of multiple personalities. Next thing now I'd be saying I am Herr Hitler or Idi Amin or Rev Kings.
I'm off before it gets worse.

SCOMISS said...

gosh...i wonder who i am

Oprah...except the rich part....or maybe Paris Hilton...except the stupid part

i cnt figure it out

Florida of Free Spirit said...

& Florida of Free Spirit is heidi Klum!!! Hmm, i love dat idea. But joke apart o, na serious parayarn u just do o

Ejura said...

Now I'm Seal except I'm still a woman and to think my wedding is next week saturday! I hope I'd be Julia Roberts before then.

Naija Chickito said...

Crazy crazy crazy is all I can say.

Queen of My Castle said...

Is there a reason that QMC was not invited to attend this bash? *Fuming*

I concur with Lightly, Afrobabe is one fine fine babe and could very well be J to the L-O. LOL

fantasy queen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fantasy queen said...

u just make philosophy seem so easy...but that doesnt stop me from admiting i was one of em' who polled u all crazy...well most philosophers think crazy to me, so i guess it follows. but then u must have been sane when u wrote that i might be cameron true, except i dont date younger guys...
and u definately are carl,

believe me when i solemly say 'i love u carl' and forget about j'lo, cameron diaz would rock ur world silly...

princesa said...

You just too mush!lol!

Arewa said...

I take it that u havent sassed me out yet.....i'll let u off this time. Hope u r cool though x x xx

Honeywell said...

Urm, hon, if you let me know your location, i am sure i can direct you to the closest, urm, "self actualization environments" (aka asylum).

But i do agree with your philosophy. Who's to say a table is a chair, or i am not Angelina Jolie? Its all relative.....:)