Thursday, January 24, 2008

Carls Report.

Yesterday I played football.

You know?
Football: Silly game where a bunch of guys forget the world’s important details —The name of the ten sexiest women in the world— in exchange for half an hour during which your soul mission is to chase a round object and kick it hard.
Yes that game.
The chasing part wasn’t too difficult.
I’ve had a lot of experience in chasing curves. The kicking part? Now that’s where the challenge lay. You not only had to kick it, you had to do it with precision.
Rhythm was an important note.
You didn’t want to look like Captain Hook trying to save the day with a wooden leg
Some girls hung on the sideline yelling encouragements to their guys. I stared at the guys in annoyance. They obviously had better control and handling in chasing curves.

On and off the field.

The girls hung on the line dressed in jeans that hugged their frames.Distractions hanging on the periphery of my vision. One of them was dressed in summer dress that moved with the slightest of breezes. Simply running by her triggered a vision of lust.
I stared at the referee for help.
Wasn’t that a red card offense?
Eventually I got the hang of it.
Aim for the curved object. Avoid the shin. Breathe. Run like hell.
Check. Check. Check. Pant…Check!

In the end I didn’t do so badly. Just when I thought I was going to pass out on the field from exhaustion and pain from a dislocated and then broken ankle (I’m auctioning said ankle on Ebay. It’s still got blood on it. Starting bid $800. Can be used as book marker, self-defense weapon or replacement ankle Visit The referee blew his whistle, yelled out time and saved my life.
No one understood why I ran to the referee and gave him a hug midst sobbing babbles.
As if.

I returned home, without the limp that would surface once the endorphins where done swimming in my blood, grabbed a consolatory bottle of coke, sat in front of my system and hopped into the internet.
As I browsed I noticed an alarming fact.
A quick survey of my favorite sites showed that not many people had made reference to football. While this probably would have been acceptable behavior in weeks past. Recent events have forced a change in priorities of views and soon to be effected blog posts. If you’ve still got raised eyebrows, shame on you, by recent events I’m talking about the nation’s cup.
After pondering the dilemma I decided to do something about it.

Given my obvious experience in football; a life time of observing and playing football squeezed into yesterday’s eternal 20 minute game,and my position in Blog as a member, have decided to put my experience as both a semi professional footballer and writer to good use.
I have decided to appoint myself the official unofficial nations cup reporter.
Hopefully, years from now, my country will look back on my actions and posts in the weeks to come and award me some prestigious award.
It is something to look forward too.

Another thing to look forward to, I suppose, is a sudden decreases in traffic and hits on my site. I comfort myself with the dream that the award will happen one day.
Besides, which is more important? To be loyal to a country as corrupt and rich in clichés as Nigeria or to write interesting blogs for fans (majority of which happen to be female) to read.
Don’t answer the question.

Ignoring the advice on the contrary by some annoying chap on my shoulder, who is wearing a T-shirt with the words “Jiminy cricket rocks”. Some bloke who keep insisting that he is my conscience anytime I want to do anything remotely fun, I’ll dive straight into the nations cup update.

Nigeria thus far sucks,
We played against Cote d’ivoire.
Does anyone know where that is? No. I didn’t think so. Its somewhere in Africa. West Africa. You do all know where west is right. No. Not that far west.
Oh brother.
Does anyone know who Drogba is? Or Solomon Kaloue? DO the names Kolo Toure and Eboue ring a bell?
Well we played against those guys and lost.

Given the caliber pf players we played against, some would theorize that we were bound to fail in the end. Perhaps. Well there’s failing and there’s failing.
There’s the defeat of Poland by Germany that not even the Germans talk off because of the embarrassing ease at which it occurred.
And there’s the adrenalin and awe inspiring defeat of 300 Spartans by an ad infinitum force of Persian. True they where defeated and swept away in the end. But they put up a fight so fierce, so true that they have become the stuff of legends. At least that’s what Frank Miller would have you believe. That 300 Greek men, half clad in linen, did what the members of Gandalfs (and Tolkein’s) middle earth, replete with thousands of seasoned warriors , dwarves and socerers could not do.
They withstood and slayed a herd of charging Battle Elephants.

Well our eagles chose the approach of the Poles. They simply stood, made the obligatory sign of the cross, and where run over by the elephants of Cote de ivoire.

I can go into the torment that ensued as I watched the match. How I winced every time the elephants took a shot at our goal. It seemed to happen every minute. Very soon I was shivering like some epileptic patient. How my friend John who had bet 3000 thousand that the eagles would murder the elephants (He obviously hadn’t watched Discovery Channel or National Geographic) sat in a corner murmuring
"Say it isn’t so.”
How PHCN also known as NEPA also known as BLOODYTWATS denied me freedom and relief and absolutely refused to take power when I needed them too.
I could say all this, but I am reminded that this is an article and as such, should be concise and simple as possible.
With the obligatory witty/funny remark at the end.

And so..
After a depressing 90 minutes the match ended with the scores at 1-0.
Nigerians all over the world groaned with dismay as the players walked off the field.
heir dreams of Nation cup glory had developed its first crack.

Beneath it was the second desperate thought.
Where are our native doctors when you need them?


desperate lady said...

for the record, all u female fans of Carlang, i'd have u know he takes VIAGRA!

Queen of My Castle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
darkelcee said...

Carl, i am not sure native doctors can help us.

i just dont dig super eagles.(dem wings don break!)

Carl, why would you need a Viagra @ your age?

I hope DL is pulling our legs right?

Onome said... going back to re-read dis post to.....try to make sense out of it cos i really, really, really want to scream "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??!!!???"

nameless.poetical. said...

lmao! wot connection does viagra have with football??? somebody set out the equation for me to see, puhleeeze!
lol @ native doctors...

guerreiranigeriana said...

i know!!!...can you imagine that super eagles could lose to elephants?...the inherent absurdity of the thought...if, they don't put out a good showing, there is still hope, i'll write to have them demoted to just eagles, nothing else...not that eagles aren't awesome on their own...but for damn sure not super...

...and um, i'm going to need you to be much better at raises your hotness stock...don't let me come to naija and run circles around you...i'm's in the bloodline...and i love playing with the guys...;)

Rayo said...

I rarely watch football but that game reminded me of the bombs dropping on Hiroshima and Nagasaki (since we're using WWII terminology).

Jaycee said...

This Carl sef...

U're a character!!!

desperate lady said...

@Nameless poetical-if i may ask, with no harm or insult intended, since when have u become female?
I specifically said "all u female fans of carlang"

@Carlang-I started reading this post, and didn't finish because i hate football with a passion.
where's the "My favourite receipe" post?

Queen of My Castle said...

LMAO..Carl you are truly something. I hate sports with a passion, yet was totally engrossed.

fantasy queen said...

the native docs were starring in nigerian movies, thats why!

i watched the sucked,i've washed my hands off it and its back to the priemiership and rooting for man utd(unpatriotic i know).

i could volunteer as one of ur fans to stand in the side lines when u play, with such a light summer dress that'd flash a red card at u whenever the breeze moves(even tho i might catch a cold from the harmatan) i might have to physically restrain u from being the 1st lady of evey page.

little miss me said...

halfway through this post i was screaming : No Carlang!! no! dont do it!!
don't blog about Football
!!!! I beg of you!

the only thing worse than reading a blog about football is READING A FRIGGIN BLOG ABOUT FOOTBALL!!!

but still i enjoyed the post that ankle still up for grabs..i'v been wondering what to get the mister for val's day..

P.S- when is this thing..umm..what did you call it? nations cup? going to be over? when do we get Carlang, the ladies man back?

P.P.S- do you really take viagra?

bumight said...

o...k! I'm not really interested in football, can't sit through the torture of 90 mins of grown ass men chasing a ball, but I'll read ur football blogs :-)

Allied said...

lol @ natve doctors.. Lol@ fantasy queen. She is right, they are all in nollywood and brooklyn.

I am not a fan of football, sorry i cant relate but your post was hilarious all the same. Hey, is the ankle still for sale?

nameless.poetical. said...

@ dl: loool!!! noooo! abeg oooh! i was just tryin to draw a connection between football and

princesa said...

I watched the last 5 minutes of that game and was dissapointed. the Eagles did not play like there was anything at stake at all.

Anyway who know princesa, na deselves dem disgrace. All those BIG names and no action!

If they play same way against Mali today. They should just pack their 'Kaya' and go back to their base(They shouldnt cross MM airport o!)

Am that cross!

Afrobabe said...

lol...Nepa refused to take light? oh My God that must be a first ...

I hate football,cant stand anything that competes for a man's attention...rubbish...hope you are joker about this football reporting joke...

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

See this yeye boy....

we came and sat and sat and sat and sat and waited for your update. And u accuse us of not coming

we even had to try and decode the first one in English and though we were not successful, we still commented.

Then you now accuse us of not caring about football. That correct. I don't. Why grown men choose to risk limb injuries and run after a round plastic thing for 90 minutes is beyond me. The only upside to it is that at least, it is not the type they play in the US where they try to see how many internal organs they can rupture or displace in that period of time.

PS: FYI, I know were Cote D'voire is. Do you know where Togo is?

Our native doctors are on strike....

geisha said...

i read all the way up to the 'report'! whew.

bumight said...

I just watched the Nigeria/Mali match and I want to join in the eagles-bashing.
Alas! the native doctors are truly on strike...

Arewa said...

I was realoly upset by the Super eagles defeat... I just didnt expect it to be so soon ...
Naticve i dont know abt that one sha......

Porter deHarqourt said...

the tournament isn't going well at all for us man.

the game against mali was another big dissappointment. brave of you to take up the task of reporting.

don't let all these football haters scare you o!

Sha said...


Nuff said! wasnt expecting much from them this time sha, useless team! *hiss

Afrobabe said...

hahahhahahah...unpatrotic, I know but does Nigeria loosing to mali mean we can be spared the details?

Honeywell said...

Oh my goodness, i cannot believe i have not come across this blog all this while up till now.... Love it! Just enough slight madness to suit me just fine.....:)

princesa said...

Hey Carl!
No more football reports??
Abi u sef don tire for them eagles(are they?)?

Rayo said...

YAY!!! WE'RE QUALIFIED!!!! WHOOOO...Now we just have to see how Ghana does.

fantasy queen said...

the native doctors are back...

Afrobabe said...

They are now winning????

little miss me said...


Sherri said...

me thinks more females will develop a liking for the game if u continue to report it just like this. and if they wear lycra like they do in american football.(wink)

as for that prestigious award, dude, just focus on that bestseller joh!