Sunday, February 3, 2008

A Knights tale of a Night

I sensed its start two posts ago.
Faint undercurrents of resentment and irritation.
Most of the comments left on my blog made mention of the owner’s perception of my sanity level. How else did one go about explaining a blog post whose main objective was a lesson in philosophy? A flawed lesson at that too.
Reading through the comments I realized that I was facing a rebellion. It seemed people had a serious problem with the turn my blog posts where taking. Who blogged about football? It just didn’t make sense. What sort of madness was this? Where they being punked? Was Carl just a pseudonym for Ashton Kutcher?

The Bottom line I figured, as I sat reading the comments, was that I would have to soon make a return to what was perceived as normal. Enough ridiculous blogs about the logic of Afro babe being Jlo (I am yet unchanged on that stand) and the ridiculous and hopeless state of our nation’s football outing (I am changed on that.).
What everyone wanted to hear was normal stuff.
About normal me.
However abnormal that might be.

And so I submit for your perusal another weird day in the life of me.

A while ago Stolich invited me over.
She had less than 30 seconds of airtime so she rushed her plea.
She was having an exflame come visit her and she was worried that without a chaperone there was a very good chance that she would yield to the inevitable advances of the charming gentleman. Apparently her last roll with him in the hay had been that memorable.
Would I please please come over?
It was really important.
And then she hung up.

Ever the gullible bloke for a damsel in distress call, I tossed my books aside, grabbed my PSP and hobbled over to Stolich’s room.
Stolich lived in some self contained room which contained the essentials for a struggling student. She had a bathroom which never seemed devoid of lingerie hanging boldly in the corner.
Every time I went in to take a leak I felt like I was in some Victoria Secret store boldly defacing the Mecca of erotica. Also attached to her room was a kitchen. I secretly considered this my favorite place in her apartment. Stolich had a mad love for cooking. True her choice of meals where limited. Noodles. Porridge and soup and noodles but seeing as I was always hungry most of the times, gourmet selection was the least of my problems.
Plus there was the fact that if there was anyone who stood a chance in beating me for the heavily contended Best fan of coca cola. It was Stolich. She always had a bottle of coke in her fridge.

I headed straight for the kitchen as I walked in.
“The coke bandit returns. Someone call the Sherriff.” Stolich muttered to herself. She was seating down watching some ridiculous movie called Perfume: The story of a murderer.
I shrugged of the insult. You do what you have to do.
Is he here yet?
I yelled from the kitchen, staring at her through the connecting window..
She shook her head and continued on the movie.
No hugs. No wild thank yous for coming over after a 20 second plea. Just faint interest in the fact that I was drinking her coke. Who cares about Carl?
The elements of great friendship.

We both sat and watched the movie to its depressing end. After a couple of minutes I realized that the darkness and gloom was not just a reflection of our state of mind. It was late.
“I guess he didn’t come again after all.” I said.
Stolich had a sad look on her face. Like successfully escaping being tempted to cheat on her boyfriend wasn’t the best thing to have happened to her today.

We chatted idly about a couple of things.
I confessed that I had a fear of picking up the soap in the bathroom because I sensed that homosexual ghosts, hanging out in the bathroom, were probably waiting for such an opportunity. She told me that she felt Jessica Alba was sexy. I argued that given the gravity and sincerity of my confession she would have to tell me something just as damning.
Like say, she was secretly a sixty year old man who had undergone an age reversal operation followed by a sex transplant. And thus went out mild persiflage for another 30 minutes. I visited her fridge one more time , ignoring her pleas for mercy.
After two bottles of coke though I was beginning to feel like maybe I would have to visit her Lingerie room.
I was about to announce gently that I would have to soon leave when suddenly there was a loud hump at the door followed by a soft knock.
The time was 8pm.

Stolich looked wildly at me. Her eyes all lit with delight. There was a ridiculous smile on her face. I found myself half hoping that it was the gateman at the door. It would be nice to see if she would remain as thrilled as she was.
“It’s him.”
She whispered fiercely. Arms flaying in the air like she was some 5 year old who had tumbled downstairs on Christmas eve only to find Santa seating in her favorite chair and watching that most annoying of shows. Teletubbies.
I gave a shrug. I had never been much of a fan of Santa ever since he failed to deliver on my request for Angelina Jolie.
“Get the door.” she whispered and to stress her point she pushed me towards it.
I sighed softly. For the umpteenth time I swore to review my friendship. Some people just didn’t appreciate me anymore. I wondered if it was okay to advertise in a magazine for a friend.
Maybe Playboy?
Prince charming was at the door.
2 inches over my 6ft, His entire frame was all clad in vaguely visible muscle beneath the Tshirt he wore.
He had the same ridiculous grin that Stolich had sported only minutes earlier. I had the satisfaction of watching it disappear.
Who are you? He blurted out.
Her father.
Her boyfriend’s best friend.
Her boyfriend’s father’s best friend.

A long list of possible answers swept through my mind.
But I did the annoying polite charming thing and said.
“Carl. Please to meet you.”

There was a flurry of movement behind me and Stolich appeared. I was stunned. She had done that girl thing again. Somehow in 30 seconds, she had changed, applied makeup, brushed her hair, used up, what seemed her entire bottle of perfume and was here gushing over Mr. Annoying Nameless bloke. Her pose all natural and degage. Like it was normal to still have perfect lipstick at 8.17 pm.
Quickly breezing by me she gave me an introduction.
“This is Carl. My good friend. He is almost like a brother to me”
Brother? I stared in shock. That was it. Come tommorow i was advertising for a new best friend.
I watched Captain Annoying give me a satisfied smirk as he processed the information.
Good friend. Brother. Nothing to worry about. Just another loser.
“Please to meet you." He said softly.
He'd probably sat in front of a tape recorder until he got just the right note. Soft enough to hint at the effeminte and yet still retain the strength and vibes of Barry White.
Beside me I could feel Stolich’s pulse quicken at the sound of his voice. I couldn’t see her face but I sensed Guy Smiliey was back on.
“Oh come on in.” She chirped happily.
He gave me a condescendingly triumphant smile--See how much your sister loves me-- and stepped into her apartment.
And then, to seal my dislike for him, he gave her a hug that lasted almost 3 minutes
Stolich had obviously forgotten the game plan. She had forgotten that she had a boyfriend 3000 miles away.
“God I’ve missed you. “ She said.
He looked at me with a twinkle.
I felt like running into her Victoria's secret toilet and strangling him with one of her lingerie.
The Pink one.
Instead i smiled back at him.

I made up my mind on the spot.
No one was getting laid tonight.

To be Contd.


Arewa said...


Arewa said...


Arewa said...


Arewa said...

ok i think thats enough 4 now off to read post....(u never know i just might be 4th 5th and

Arewa said...

I enjoyed reading ur last two posts just as all the rest..I think its only natural to change ur blog style or topics from time to time...depending on how u feel and what u want to blog about.
I guess the turn of events in the African Cup of nations has lifted ur spirit a bit.
Anyways nah wah for this arrangement between u and Stolich u don change status from very good friend/brother to cock

30+ said...


You just have to write a novel. I wish I had a Carl you know a friend like a brother.

30+ said...

And @Arewa have you been smoking the coke instead of drinking it - lol

geisha said...

so two people commented before me and yet i'm eighth. wow.
this was, as usual, very entertaining.

Afrobabe said...

Ok, first of all, technically I am 3rd.... @ Arewa smoking coke...hahahhahaha....Infact I need to laugh some more..hahahahhah..


My sincere gratitude for abandoning the football resolution...I was wondering what it would take, sueing coke?

Update jare, did she kick you out after the gentleman came? Finally decided you weren't necessary afterall?

Or did you all get together with her wearing a certain pink thing....

UndaCovaSista said...

*shrieks furiously*..what is wrong with all you bloggers with your cliff hangers,enh?! I can almost hear the eastenders (non-uk readers insert your favourite soap theme tune) drum beats. I'm not amused!

And Carlang (yes, here i go again dispensing advice whether welcomed or not!) , your blog is an outlet for you to express yourself in whatever way you feel. Do not be swayed by the comments. keep doing YOU. Otherwise, what's the point?

bumight said...

Now that I'm technically 5th, I really want to strangle arewa (lovingly of course!)
but yay! he's back!!! I've missed you

little miss me said...

Carlang is back,thank heavens! a real post at last!!i feel bad,i hope we ddnt pressure you into blogging about some juicy gossip in your crazy life,well if we did, i dont feel bad anylonger!!! was well worth it!!! ...brilliant!! still holding my sides,haha!..cant wait for the continuation!
is it too soon to scream 'UPDATE!!!!!!!'

Jaycee said...

So what happened that night???

For some reason I always feel like u're writing fiction? Is this real? As in I know part of it is real, but is it "all" real. You do better than some writers who keep u running on "suspense" as ur adrenaline till the end of the novel!!! Good job!

But I want to know what happened...

Jaycee said...

Funny thing is I actually have a Carlang friend...maybe not as intense sha! lol.

onydchic said...

Well...?!?!?!? What happenedn next?!?!??

Naija Chickito said...

you are such a naughty boy!
boyfriend's best friend...'
you don kolo finish!

guerreiranigeriana said...

kai!!!...see how nollywood don corrupt world everyone will write in parts ehn?...'to be continued'...hurry and update jo!!...

...side note: i am willing to sell my citizenship to you...granted, you have your own, but with mine, you can then also apply for your american passport and voila...think about it...dunno if i can continue on as a nigerian with the kin disgrace they dey do for field...;)

Sherri said...

were u successful?
what about the next nite?
u make the bobo sound delish tho. lol

Naapali said...

The curse of Nollywood pervades blogville. Every post is left unfinished.

So tell me, did you manage to remain degage while Stolich treated you as a bobo nice?

Naapali said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
desperate lady said...

Ah ah Carl, u better bring ur strong ass(I'm assuming its strong, ur allowed to prove me wrong) here and finish this.
This is the 1st short post u've done and why is that sir? U just had to punish us huh?

P.s-ok I was a bit confused, y exactly did she want u ther knowing her bf would be ther?
Anyways I know how it ended, u tried so hard to prevent them from getting laid n ended up in bed with them. Yup Carlang had a threesome *I'm smart......I know*
Still applying for a bestfriend? I have an idea, just holla when ur ready to know.
Go kiss toochi goodmorning 4 me pls.


hahaha, you hater. lol!
This was a funny post, but I also thoroughly enjoyed the Afrobabe is really JLO post as well. I even voted in the poll. lol

Take care!

Orientatednaijababe said...

D guys is rude oh! cude not even introduce dare him ask "who r u" in someone else's hse.

Abeg finish this story oh....did u achieve ur aim?

fantasy queen said...

so like seriously u dont bend down to pick ur soap?...oh man u're one crazy dude. got me thinking maybe u're in love with a guy and tryin to deny the fact cos u just get turned on whenever u

would u be my new best friend, well technically my only and first best friend, to save me from the hands of the ex factor eh?

darkelcee said...


u need to be your brother's keeper you know.

did you get to advertise for the new friend? i need one fast!

Jeff Corbin said...

@Desperate Lady:"P.s-ok I was a bit confused, y exactly did she want u ther knowing her bf would be ther?"

Not her BF darling. ex. :)

And carl...well i honestly don't need to say jack. But homo ghosts?! Come on man...Just say your worried about those psychos that stay next know who am talking about. The ones that keep making that kid make those crazy/wierd noises at night.

Rayo said...

ooh vindictive...I like!

simplynuttie said...

thanks for the proposal, carl, no comment...still reading...

InCogNaija said...

rotfl!! nice...Mr nameless annoying bloke shud have played nice, now he done mad you madder than usual. lol!!
nicely done, looking forward to finding out if your resolve was weakened...

Queen of My Castle said...

Carlang the Cock Blocker. Never knew you to be such. Okay, I read the entire post, but my mind stopped processing after realizing that you are 6 feet. Pictured you to be shorter, but at 6 feet, this means that you are still taller than me in my heels, which therefore makes you dateable. So, why don't y'all just hook up already?

Carlang said...

@ Arewa: Hurray you're first.

@ Arewa: Hurray....You're second.

@ Arewa: Right....third. You dont do things by halves do you?

@ Arewa: Yeah.... Things kinda got better for the Niggerian Eagles. But then Ghana had to kill our spirits by winning us in the quater finals.
Oh well...
At least we made the quater finals.

@ 30+: Thanks dear.
I definitely will write that novel.
Just need more time..

@ geisha: Thanks dear. If it makes you feel any better..
You're the first Geisha on the comment page.

@ Afrobabe: Update huh?
I'll work on it.
I;ve been so busy it's hell just checkingmy mails.

(spoiler ahead)
No...nothing happened with a certain pink thing!

@ undercovasista: Ooohh.. there;s a cliffhanger bloggers association?
Finally! I get to be part of something cool.

Thanks for the advise dear,
my next post is going to be on the social life of ants.

@ bumight:
Ah mon ami.
So have i .
I have missed you deeply...

@ Little Miss me:
it isnt too late to scream UPDATE. lol.
Thanks for the complement thought.
You reall didnt bully me..
You just looked at me, blinked those virtual eyes of yours ...
and once again the cute chick triumphs over man.

@ Jaycee:
You have a friend named Carlang?
what;s he like...
or she?

Thanks for the complement about my writing.
Yes it's real.
I think the feel of fiction comes from the way i write it.
If you add a bit more.. pidgin it should pass for something more realistic.

@ Onyidchic:
I betta update shouldnt I?

@ Naia chickito;
Naughty boy?
How are you dear?
Kolo greeetings!

@ GuerriaNigerian: you should have sold out earlier.
Havent you been listening to the news?
After the loss to Ghana the value of being a Nigerian dropped to an all time low.
We now have as much pride and prestige as the natives of Antartica and even they can at least boast of igloos..

my advise
hang unto your Nigerian citizenship for another 300 years.
The aliens are coming.
SHould be worth something by then!

I made him sound like that?
i'm going to edit my blog post immediately.

@ Naapali:
I beg to differ.
I did a quick scanof Blog post newbies.
Your post seems to be the starting point of unfinished posts.
After yours the phenomenom kicked in..

Your plan to unsettle Blogsville and rule it's ethernet has been exposed.

p.s i suppose i've got to update soon....

@ Desperate lady? A threeesome with Stolich would have meant a gay outing seeing as i long since stopped seeing her as a girl.
First you complain that my posts are too lenghty.
And now you complain of its breifness.


You cant live with them .
You cant kill em.

@ Solomonsydelle:
Thanks mate.
I 'm glad you enjoyed the post.
I'm checking my calender.
Should update soon...

@ Oriented Naiababe:
Hang in there.
I should update soon...

@ fantasy queen:
Her royal sexiness herself comes to pay page a visit.
Off course i'd love to be your new best friend.
I'll send you my billing program soon.

You think i'm paranoid about Homoghosts?
Tell you what.
WHy dont you try bending down in the bathroom for 30 minutes..
See if you develop an ache or not.

Ghosts, i tell you!!

Carlang said...

@ Darkelcee:
Not gotten around to advertising.
if you need one that badly.. i'm available.

@ Rayo:
I just staring at the picture of your eyes..
That's you in a car isnt it?

@Simplienuttie: Seriously?
No chance you;ll reconsider...

@ Incognaija:Thanks mate.
I'll update soon.
I just need to figure out why i feel so lazy and tired..

@ Queen of my castle:
Carl the cock blocker?
this better not be the start of a nightmare.
Nicknames start so innocently..

Are we still talking about you and me?
I thought it was a done deal.
I'm just chilling until i have a million dollars and then...
The castle shall finally have it;s king.

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

you know I had written a comment here, lets say last week..unfortunately blogger swallowed it and it never showed..lets see if it will show up this time...

I am envious of you and stolich..I wish I had male friend like that..really this females are not cutting it these days

quick question
have you ever had feelings for stolich?
Has the thought of kissing her ever crossed your mind?

by any chance do you feel, a tiny tiny wee bit of jealousy when she has all these male attention around her..

have you seen her naked b4?


fantasy queen said...

yes my noble subject, i came in person
and u want to bill me for the royal privilege of being my best friend forever.common now, we've gone too far to be charging ourselves for services.
plus ozavese's pionting fingers at us. please go defend my honour and beat him up for me.

Bunmmy said...

lmao carl u funny and strange...........

Onome said...

roflmao....o boy!! wat can i say?? waiting for d sequel though(heehehehehehe)

Honeywell said...

So let me see....
first, what kind of movie is called "perfume: the story of a murderer?" Jeez......

So you gave up on santa NOT because he does not exist, but because he did not deliver the only woman on earth who has natural looking botox lips... hmm... makes sense to me :)

Your friendship with stolich is soo cute!

Florida of Free Spirit said...

dog in a manger, carlang! which one b ur own 4 dis matter sef! abeg leave d gal boo

ApoRiA said...

Hahaha...You actually named the girl Stolich.