Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A knights Tale concluded


The butterfly glowed in the dark.
Measuring roughly 2 inches, it hung teasingly above my head.
I was sitting in the toilet pondering my next course of action. Hanging in front of me was one of the many lingerie pieces that adorned Stolich’s restroom. I had no idea what part of the body the strip of cloth was suppose to cover but I failed to see how it could successfully manage this most simple of designs, even if it was intended for use around, say , her anklet.
The glow was from some fluorescent designs ingrained in the silk material. A motif of a butterfly etched out on the tiny lingerie. I suppose when she wore it at night it was supposed to glow. Like some street light leading you to the promise landing.
This way to the spot. Follow the butterfly.
Therein lies the path to nectar.

I sighed to myself.
It was turning out to be an annoying evening.

Stolich was outside laughing at everything Captain Ridiculous was saying.
Seeing as he hadn’t really stopped talking since he walked in, that summed up to a lot of laughing. Captain Ridiculous was in turn oozing so much charm I worried that once he was done, there wouldn’t be enough for people who really owned it. Like Pierce Brosnan?
They hadn’t even noticed me when I excused myself 10 minutes before. For all they cared I was just some silly Muppet who was hanging around in the corner,
Now here I was, seating on the toilet, staring at butterfly adorned lingerie whilst pondering the silliness of my situation.

“What are you doing in there? How long do you plan on taking?” Stolich yelled out at me.
Her question was followed by silent laughter. Captain Annoying had probably said some silly joke about the possibilities surrounding my continued stay in the toilet. Again, I had a vision of him hanging from her ceiling. Lingerie tight around his neck. The fluorescent butterfly glowing in the dark. A sign hanging around his neck. He dared to steal the forbidden nectar.

“I’ll be out soon” I muttered. And then more loudly. “I’m coming.”
My announcement was followed by more laughter as they churned the perceived innuendo in my statement for all it was worth.
This guy was pissing me off.

I walked out of the toilet and headed straight to the kitchen to wash my hands.

Stolich came to meet me with a worried frown on her face.
She stood strategically in front of the fridge and asked.
“So. When are you going?”
” Going?” I asked her still washing. I looked down at my hands.
I had used too much soap and now had to wait an extra minute to wash it off.
“Leaving. When are you heading back home?”
I shook my head slowly. “I can’t go back home. It’s late already.”
She smiled a happy smile. “Good. I was hoping you wouldn’t go. I think he plans to spend the night too. I’m hoping with you here he won’t make a move.”
I looked back through the window at Lord Casanova.
He was seating on her bed. A knee slightly crooked. He looked like some model posing for a Rubens painting. Only he was male and for the most part clad.

“He is sexy isn’t he?”
It was an old recurring trick of Stolich. She always asked my opinion of guys. If I said yes he was sexy then I was gay. If I contradicted her, disagreeing on her perception of sexiness she would call me jealous.
Either way I was damned. So I did the smart thing and answered with a question of my own.
"Does he know you have a boyfriend?”
“Yes he does. But he says it doesn’t matter. He says we’re not married so I’m still available.”
Stolich announced this slowly like maybe there was merit behind his theory. Her eye had a hopeful glint. I had the vague suspicion that if I gave her the slightest go ahead on the theory she would have a cab waiting for me in the next 5 minutes. She probably would have 6 orgasms before I got home.
I hated to admit it but Captain Wanabee looked capable.
“That’s bullshit!” I said quietly. “How would you feel if right now some girl screwed your boyfriend just because he wasn’t married to you?”
She nodded her head in sad agreement.
“So you’ll stay?” She asked again.
Silly question. I asked a better one
“What are plans for supper?”

After supper I sat as close to the TV as I could, behind me Stolich was chatting away with the Frog Prince.
We had settled on noodles for supper.
No surprise there.
The entire time we ate our conversation where stilted. Most of mine where aimed at Stolich and the bulk of his where likewise directed. She was the only one who spoke freely to both of us. The only time we spoke to each other, he and I were in the initiation of some Jibe.
“So what did you study?” I asked him.
“Medicine.” he announced confidently and then just incase I didn’t understand what this meant. “I’m a doctor.”
“Right.” I nodded. “Have you killed anyone yet? I hear every doctor accidentally commits murder once.”
He shook his head and gave a soft smile. “That’s not true.”
“Yes it is. I got it from some concrete source” I countered.
“No it isn’t. That’s ridiculous. Where the hell did you hear that?” Stolich asked me with a laugh.
“Grey’s anatomy. Season 2. Phoebe killed what’s his face.”
“That’s your concrete source?” he asked with another of those annoying Janus smiles.
In the background I heard a bell go off. Round 1 done. 1 –0.

He asked her a question about me..
“Carl is an idiot. We where roommates for an entire year in my fourth year. It was crazy. I remember one morning I woke up and forced him to drink an entire bottle of Stolichnaya vodka. I was wasted. Ran around the house, Stripped to my underwear, and singing. I probably threw up a million times. He had to wipe me down and put me to bed. He has never allowed me drink again since then.” Stolich said with a laugh. Explaining how she came by her name. "Stolich comes form Stolichnaya!"
He gave an uncomfortable ha ha.
She laughed with him and patted my arm. “It’s been really great hanging with him. I think Carl is the coolest guy I’ve ever known.”
I looked across to him.
You hear that? Coolest guy in the world. Beat that!
The bell dinged again. 1-1.


The night might have gone on with sustenance of such ridiculous antics from our trio but it didn’t. I was getting comfortable in my role of cock blocker. Seating in front of the TV I had ignored hints from both Stolich and him that maybe I should stop watching TV and turn in for the night. I wasn’t blind to the gambit. With the room plunged in darkness and me ostensibly sleeping on the couch there would be nothing to stop his advances. Given Stolich glazed eye look I didn’t expect much resistance from that quarter. No way. I had decided. I was going to stay awake and play out my chaperone roll even if it meant dying from insomnia.
Prince Triple X stared daggers into my head.
I ignored him.
He might be a doctor but I was the world’s coolest guy.

Then it happened.
A couple of minutes after I confirmed that the time was indeed 12.30pm on my swatch, (midnight call anyone?) Nepa flipped the switch. One minute we were caught in our battle of wits and the next minute we were trapped in complete darkness with nothing to hear save our strained breadths.
I could feel his triumphant smile behind.
Forget his paltry stratagem, I had been completely checkmated.
There was nothing I could do now but pray that Stolich resisted him for the rest of the night.
I wondered what Gandalf would have said. I was pretty sure there was a solution for stuff like this in the Middle earth.
“Oh dear." Stolich said with delighted joy in her voice. “I guess we have to go to bed now.”
“Lets.” Said Mr. Inyourface.
Oh dear?
Lets?

I had lost.

I lay on the couch prepared for the worst. There was really nothing else I could do again. Stolich handed me a pillow. On her face was a silly grin. Looking at it I knew that the next morning I was going to be given a long rant about how guilty she was and how sorry she felt. She was planning on sinning and she was planning big.
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. No point stretching out my suffering. I was prepared for what was to come. The soft giggles. Light playful scuffles. Harshly drawn breadths. The inevitable moans. I saw no reason why I had to go through all that, my role was chaperone and not Eunuch and so I tried my best to fall asleep. The sounds where coming. I expected them soon.
What I didn’t expect was a loud shriek followed by the terrified words.
“RAT!!”
I looked up quickly.

All of a sudden. Stolich remembered she had a rechargeable lamp hidden somewhere. The room was suddenly cast in blinding light. I stared in amusement at them. Stolich had on a tank top and a pair of bum shorts.
Aha! She did have plans.
She was standing on the bedside drawer with terrified shock in her eyes. Beside her the doctor ,clad in boxer shorts, was standing on Tip toes looking hurriedly around like he had just been tossed into a lake reputed to have Piranhas. They both looked so ridiculous.

”Where?” I asked calmly not leaving the comfort of my couch.
“It’s beneath the bed. “ Stolich gasped.
I wasn’t sure if it was my perception but her hair looked like it had turned white.
I stared at the bed. Her frame had collapsed a week ago so the bed was basically a mattress on the floor.
“It’s beneath the mattress?” I asked.
“Yes! I’m sure of it. I saw it run under the mattress as I turned on the light. It had big teeth.”
I ignored her mention of the rodent’s dental prominence.
“Jump on the Mattress then.” I joked. “If it’s under the mattress it’ll definitely die.”
“Really?”
“Really!”
She turned to look at Prince Charming.
And then I watched my Joke turn to hope.

I realized that all was not lost. Maybe I had won after all.
“Come on Jade. Please jump on the mattress…”
He stared at her like it was the worst idea in the world.
Personally I agreed with him.
It was the worst possibly idea.
“Unless of course you’re scared.” Stolich said sagely.
Beware the woman.
With nothing else to do I watched him make his way to the mattress.

Stolich remained perched on the dresser watching his movements. He stood in the center of the mattress and gave a half hearted hop.
“Oh come on...” She groaned.
He gave another jump. This time there was more bite to it,
“Harder.”
He jumped.
“Faster…”
“Right There.”
Up and down he went.

He jumped like he was some yoyo at the end of a sting. Up and down left and right. All the time Stolich kept on yelling her encouragements.
Harder. Faster. Left. To the right. That’s it.
I couldn’t help it. I started laughing.
It was slow chuckles at first. Tiny tremors that signaled the start of an eruption. Midway through a jump as he went up in the air, his face all determined in his bid to kill a Rat, PHCNrestored power. For a mica second his image was flash frozen in my head. Clad in boxers, sweat running down his face. Beside him Stolich was yelling encouragements.
Joke. Gambit. Checkmate.

I started laughing.
After the first 5 seconds Stolich joined me.
We laughed at the image of him jumping.
We laughed at the absurdness of the situation.
We laughed like we had lost it.
And in truth, we had.
Needless to say he didn’t find it amusing.
He stopped jumping, gave Stolich a hard glare and went to bed.
Mickey mouse be damned.

The next morning I woke up to find Stolich jumping on her bed. Sir Lancelot had left really early in the morning. Something about hospital runs.
I almost felt sorry for him.
Almost.
Stolich had her ipod on and was jumping to some unheard rock song.
“I’m practicing.” She explained. Just incase I was wondering.
I hadnt really but it helped to be assured of my friend"s continued insanity.

I nodded my head and walked to the bathroom.
It looked diffrent from the previous night. Bathed in the morning light.
I sat on the seat and closed my eyes content.
I still had a soft smile from the morning’s happenings.
The day promised to be a good day. A New day.
And then I looked up.
The butterfly lingerie was still there.
It wasnt glowing
It wasn’t a bra.

39 comments:

bumight said...

I am first!!! yay!

Onome said...

scheisss!!!! how did dat happen?? anyway...(lmao...loved d sequel).. dat stolich is one smart chic...i love her!!!(hahahahahahaha)

bumight said...

you have delivered this time, and we're proud of u, lol!
so Captain Ridiculous-Annoying-wannabe-tripple X-charming is a doctor? cool! {gatta stick up for my own, still have much love for u though O coolest carl!:-)}

Rayo said...

Note to self: Never read Carl's blog when in class.

My professor almost cursed me out for laughing out loud during his lecture on slavery in the Caribbean.

Hengish said...

LMAO !

Who cares if this post is long its hilarious.

So funny!

Jaycee said...

Carl u're too much...lol...

Let me go and finish reading...(I brb).

Lighty said...

haha ha mr ridiculous must av really answered to his name by jumping up and down dat bed. how very stupid. lol and wot u doin analysing butterflies 2 urself in the bathroom?

by the way how r u doin my darling? i have missed u terribly.

ozaveshe said...

our superhero triumphs again!

carlang to the rescue!

guerreiranigeriana said...

chai, like sey you dey born this man with the number of names you gave him...ah ah...

...you are one funny guy...how could you calmly look over from the couch as they were all clearly frightened and suggest jumping on the mattress?!...you are funny o!!!..na sauve be dat...hehe...claro que tem jeito, neh...haha...twas you, not him...in fact, if he had indeed squashed the mouse...i shudder to think about it...

...great post...

Onome said...

P.S.....if it wasnt a bra den wat was it??(thinkin)

fantasy queen said...

it wasnt a bra...what was it? forgive me if thats a dumb question or the ans is obvious...i'm not that smart sometimes.

u're one nut case i tell ya....

fantasy queen said...

and happy valentine to you too...

definately ur place and hopefully i wont have a best male friend(thanks to you) to annoyingly lurk around...lol

Ms Sula said...

I want a Carlang to my Stolich!

She's lucky to have a bathroom-hanging, butterfly-patterned lingerie philosopher as a best friend.

Cockblocker to the finest, if I ever saw one.

Great and funny blog! I'm hooked.

Naapali said...

I look forward to the day I meet you and shake your hands, in silence.

Thank you!

I loved your use of imagery, particularly the butterfly and nectar, and this one: “That’s your concrete source?” he asked with another of those annoying Janus smiles."

It rolls better than two faced. I also liked the ambiguity between his being regal and martial. Prince or Captain or both. Then you destroyed all possibility of his royalty with the image of him jumping on the bed, followed by killing any military might we thought he had by his early morning retreat. Bravo!

princesa said...

LMAO!
At the end you succeeded dude!
God must have sent that rat.

How's the vals day going?

Honeywell said...

ROTFLMAO!

Oh my goodness, i really do love this blog.... Captain annoying/ridiculous/whatever... why so many names for him? and why the dislike of him, if i may ask?

And yes, even though he might be a doctor who saves lives and makes a ton of money, you are still the coolest!

As for the "thats it! harder! now to the left!"... that was just wrong y'all....lol

Loved it!

desperate lady said...

lmaooooooooo omg carl u've finally killed me.....ur lucky d doctor didnt punch u in d face for laughin, i can imagine how embarrased he felt loooooool.
it wasn't the bra? then it's the rat i guess and don't u dare tell me "duh"

darkelcee said...

you sure delivered your bodygaurd role too well.

Thumbs up for you.

I am sure Stolich's bf will be happy with you.Good boy

it wasnt a bra? lol!

UndaCovaSista said...

Fantastic stuff! Definitely worth the wait :)

geisha said...

well it's a thong, clearly. right?

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

carlang u killed it!!! i think i'm in love,he he!

Afrobabe said...

Tot I left a comment on this post...

hope she wont be seeing him anytime soon...Loved the image of his cool dude ass jumping up and down the bed...

As for the butterfly......I am having a dumb blond moment!!!

Carlang said...

@ Bumight Hurray. Bumight is first. Now kiss me quick and claim your prize!

@ Onome Smart Chic huh?
Well i wouldnt exactly call her that.
lol.
Troublesome.
Bully...
Annoying..

Now those are better names..

@ Rayo. Note to self.
Never post blog whilst Rayo is in class.
She almost broke out into laughter midst a sensitive lecture.

@ Hengish
Thanks dear.
WHo cares anyway!!

@ Afrobabe
lol.
Dumb moment.
Okay,,
how are the exam preps coming on?
I've got exams as well in two weeks so i think i'll soon be dropping off blogsville's radar.
This might be my last post for a while..

@Undacovasista
Thanks dear.
How are you doing?
Work?
Valentine!!

@ Geisha
Is that what they call it?

@ dark elcee
Thanks dear.
I\m thinking of turning proffesional.
lol
How was Valentines day for you?

desperate lady
Okay.
No duh.
I promise.
lol.
No it wasnt the rat...
why..
should it have been?

Honeywell
Thanks.
lol.
Yes i laughed really hard myself when it happened.
i love your blog too...


@ Princessa
Vals day..
it went okay..
Kinda..
you know...
SIgh.

I hear there is another one happening next year..

That;s not true is it?

Naapali
You give me too much credit.
lol.
Thanks. I had fun writing the post. I;m glad you had fun reading it as well.
Waiting for your update..

Ms SUla
I'll look around and see if i can find one for you.
lol.
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Glad you liked it.
How was Valentine for you?

Seems to be the question of the times.

fantasy queen
Happy Valentine dear.

I'm a nut case?
Perhaps.
But you..
You are a nut case's fantasy dream.

That kinda makes you a nut case..
In a nutty kinda way.

GuerriraNigerian
How i wan do am now?
The guy been dey vex me.

what do you mean how could i calmly look over..
Rats are known to cause Cattarh, malaria and Sore throat.

Although usually , to be fair, this normally happens if you dont boil them long enough before eating.

@ Ozaveshe
DOnt look now but..
You;re still here.
And you're typing comments too..

Dont look!!!

Jaycee
lol.
Thanks dear.
Happy reading..

Lighty
Ahh......
Lighty comes to grace my page.
How nice.

WHat was i doing in the bathroom midst staring at butterflies?
Good question..

Carlang said...

@The Experience of an acheiver
WHy..Thank you.
lol.

Rayo said...

lmao!! Thanks for noting my note...

Naija Chickito said...

rotflmao!!!
carl, wicked carl. that was a truly funny story. why did you stay? she obviously wanted to run things! you should have allowed her commit fornication with her ex. yeye girl. thank God for PHCN though.
and the cartoon above- hilarious.

N.I.M.M.O said...

The butterfly lingerie was still there.
It wasn't glowing
It wasn’t a bra.

Then what was it?

Ms. Catwalq said...

what's really up with you and Stolich? u need to marry this girl so I can have peace of mind

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

carrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl...

you and stoilch wont kill me with laughter..I like the way you avoided my question in the last post...so I will post it here again just incase you want to answer or you did not see it *evil grin*

"have you ever had feelings for stolich?
Has the thought of kissing her ever crossed your mind?

by any chance do you feel, a tiny tiny wee bit of jealousy when she has all these male attention around her..

have you seen her naked b4?
"

guerreiranigeriana said...

lol @ zephi's persistence and questions...

@ carlang...*with a highly disgusted face*...so you dey chop rat?...kai!!...God Forbid o!!!!...why would you ever do that?...

...i came here for somehting else...um...oh yes...i forgot your name in my comment on his page, but go see atutupoyoyo's latest post...you should participate...they need you...

...in response to your response to afrobabe: NO!!!!!!...don't go!!!...afrobabe passed her exam with flying colors and she still perused blogville...you can do it too!!!!....;)

Carlang said...

@ Rayo: Thanks for noticing.
I couldnt help but notice..
Those eyes of yours. Remember?

@ Naijachikito: lol.
Thanks . I'm glad you loved the comic strip.
it's one of my favorite.

@ Nimmo:
The butterfly was still there.
it wasnt glowing.
it wasnt a bra.

It was....a moth?

@ Zephi:
I see there is no escaping this so i'lll just have to answer.
Sigh...

Yes i had feelings for her once.
A very long time ago. 6 years i think.

No i dont have any now. *Cold shudder*

No the thought has never crossed my mind.
No seeing her with males dont make me jealous... Just extremely sorry for them.
No ....i have seen her in her lingeire though..
That counts right?

Silly yours.
Carl

@ Guerrieranigerian:
Thanks .
I feel really flattered that you're considering me as a bidder.
lol.
Okay.
i'm offf to brain storm now.

p.s Rats arent that bad.
Why do you think cats like them?

Carlang said...

@ everyone: My friends insist i did this.
Something about hogging all the cute chicks...
So ..
Please visit.

http://www.therift001.blogspot.com/
and
http://fromddead.blogspot.com/

Brace Yourself

Rayo said...

Yes, these eyes of mine...still waiting to see what yours look like...

Afrobabe said...

Hmmm seems to me since you said you would disssapear from blogsville you just seem to be here MORE!!!

Or was that a sorry ass excuse not to update???

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

lol???????? Carl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are u this love i feel? (i'm becoming a blogger stalker.lol!)

Florida of Free Spirit said...

dat ur friendey craze i swear! u dey craze pass am sef. why u no allow d chick get her groove on na. na ur bad belle bring d rat! now, u don deny her, probably, d best no-strings-attached 'kpanshing' of d new year! But come o, is dat not d same babe dat said she wanted to abstain! like this? story story

InCogNaija said...

from the point where i read "RAT" to the end, i was in tears from lafta mehn...standard my friend. Nepa tried to ruin ur efforts but God pass them se? lmao!!! and dude i almost got fired for laffing like a fool today at work...take ya time o!!!

Sherri said...

hilariousity!
the imagery was tres fab dude
nicely done.

all hail the supercockblockercarl!lol

why is stolich putting herself in such a compromising position jare?

how 's that book coming luv?

Smaragd said...

I know i'm late, but I have to drop my own few lines...
I am abso-fucking-lutely stuck on you now Carlang!
THIS post made for a funktastic read.
Keep it up!

I dont know if there's a history here, but i think u have feelings for Stolich... ami right or am i right?