Sunday, March 30, 2008

Codenamed: The Phoenix dies.





Have you ever had the impression that maybe, just maybe, Blogsville isn’t what it is said to be?
Has the thought ever occurred to you that perhaps there is something behind all this?
Like the scenario in the opening minutes of the movie Matrix. Do you ever suspect that the seemingly free and autonomous site you visit, riddled with limitless online journals for your perusal, isn’t as free or as unplanned as it might appear?
Well if you’ve thought all these things. Then you’re right.

Welcome.
Blogville isn’t what you’ve all thought.
Yes. Yes.
Surprise. Surprise.
Do close your mouth.
True, people share their day to day activities amongst strangers, but that’s not the real reason why this site is here.
No it’s not dating either.
This site called Blogville is secretly the meeting place for the association known as the “REDEMPTION OF ENSLAVED CITIZENS FROM THE TYRANNY OF K”.
I see you all frown in puzzlement. You’re all wondering. What silly society is this?

Well first of;
We are not a silly society. We’ll forgive you your ignorance this once. Henceforth we’d rather you used the term Nobly great when addressing our esteemed association.
Secondly, this Nobly great society of ours is not as insignificant as you might think.

Naturally I don’t expect you to simply just take my word for our greatness. If you lend me a couple of minutes I will attempt to prove my point as to our greatness.
Believe me, I make no idle boasts, this society works hard behind the scenes protecting you from the tyranny of K.
We are responsible for so many great achievements in the world.

For instance we are responsible for the smooth transition of the yell “Yeepa!” to a simple “Yeiy”.
We are also responsible for the exit of Punk and Mohawks as hairdos, substituting the craze instead for the low shaven cut that is currently the rave.
You probably have not noticed that these days more and more men are leaning towards wearing boxers as their choice of underwear apparel. Thirty years ago pants where more the way to go. Why even Superman, that most famous of aliens was forced to wear pants upon his arrival, albeit wrongfully placed, and in shocking bright red too. No more of that. Thanks to us Boxers are now the preferred choice of wear.
We were vital in the abolishment of the idea to shoot a sequel to the movie Nigerian Bachelor in Russia 4, wisely pointing out that a fifth installment would hardly make any sense.
Still haven’t heard of us?

Well, another thing we are responsible for is the invention and smooth transition of the dance “YAHOOZE” into the Nigerian populace. We seek to completely wipe out the following dance moves Running man and Crazy Leg before the year 2010. We plan to reinstate the sensual dance of Patra called the Butterfly back into night clubs in time for the New Yam festival.
See our head site for vision plan.

We are often ascribed credit for the idea of feeding goats chocolates shortly before they are killed in other to make the avante garde dish Chocolate flavored goat intestine pepper soup. Sadly this is not one of our many bright accomplishments.
That is the work of our rival group called the
“REDEMPTION OF ENSLAVED CITIZENS FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE GROUP CALLED “REDEMPTION OF ENSLAVED CITIZENS FROM THE TYRANNY OF K”.

We are however considering encouraging advances into the study of enhancing the taste of chickens into that of eggs. A lot of people have wisely pointed out that it is unfair that an egg should taste different when it grows up. A baby cow and an adult cow all taste the same. Why should eggs taste any different from chickens?
Have no fear we are considering all this.
With breakthroughs in our science field happening everyday. (I.e. we are now certain that gravity is a pull and not a push) we are confident in our capabilities.

Which brings me to the issue of why we are here?
All of you, yes al of you, have been chosen for your very special talents. From The Doctors in your midst (Naapali for instance.) to the stockbrokers amongst you. (Hello Fantasy queen.). You have all been specially selected for the important mission we have ahead.
There is no need to stare in shock everyone. How do we know your secret identities and real professions.
Well.
It is evident that you have not been listening.
We are a secret society.
The reason why we are called a secret society is because we know secrets.

Now...
Unto the main issue.
After the briefing you will all be sent your secret badges. Naturally I expect you all to act normal thereafter. There is no point in announcing to the world that you have been admitted into the the Nobly great society of K. You would not be believed and we would deny you.
Ask Oprah.
Why have you all been gathered here today?
I shall tell you.

Today I shall reveal the society’s great plan to once and for all curb the menace of those idiots in power. I am of course referring to the Power Holding Company of Nigeria. Now known as PHCN formerly known as NEPA and heretofore to be known and referred to as Target PHEPA. Aka Project Down with the Phoenix.
Too many people have suffered at the unjust dealing of their arm. We are tired of having to wait for three weeks for power only to finally have it come three minutes after our electrical lines have been cut for unpaid bills. Even more annoyingly is the fact that it is taken four minutes after we have finally paid our overstated bills. This madness must stop.

Time there was when this great nation of ours had constant power and the only generator on record was a prototype in the National Museum built by a fulani for his Final year project ,which involved arguments for and concerning the sustenance of possible life at the Artic.
The year was 1938.
Although it would probably be a good idea to set a century as a fitting date to mark the same reoccurrence we have decided to speed up our plans and strike this blow once and for all now.
Have you ever missed a football match because of Target PHEPA?
Have you ever stupidly tried committing suicide with an electric iron only for Target PHEPA to take power?
Have you ever tried making love in the middle of a hot afternoon with no source of cooling?
Have you ever tried making love with another person in the middle of a hot afternoon with no source of cooling?
Well then you know what I’m talking about.
The Madness must stop.
And it starts here…

This brings me to why you are all here.
A grand plan has been drawn up to fix this problem.
You, every one of you who is reading this has been chosen to participate in enacting the solution.
Indeed you are lucky, you have absolutely noting to worry or fear. The brains behind this project this are the masterminds of the highest repute

They are the lords of Chaos theory. They refine subtlety to an art. The faintest flutters of their butterfly wings result in storms across the globe. Nothing can fail when they put their very brilliant minds to it. They are the E in expert. The put the B in the Very damn Best. There is no Hiccup in this plan of ours that hasn’t been foreseen and planned for. Like the geniuses they are they have accounted for every possible failure. Henceforth we shall have nothing but smooth sailing till the triumph of out plans. Nothing can shock us. Nothing unforeseen can occur. Every wrinkle has been accounted for with ready solutions. They are the very best. The very damn best.
Nothing can surprise..

*****
**********
************

Blogsville Communiqué to reader.
Error in communicating with Host 908675 aka CarlwithaC.
Unable to contact host site.
Suspected Power failure.

Do you wish to hold?

59 comments:

Afrobabe said...

I am first,
I think I am first
Not to sure if I am first
I better post quick to remain first..

Yep, still here...i am first!!!

Afrobabe said...

Ok, other than the craze I sense in the society's motto or reason for existence, I noticed you mentioned making love in the afternoon twice...the second mention has another individual involved making me think the first time is on ur own...probably in the toilet....on a hot afternoon with no electricity!!!Am I on track?


You go away for a long long unaccounted time, then come back sounding like you were kidnapped by an alien....Helllooooooo? Can you hear me Carlang? Do you still speak speak Nigerian????

wavemasta said...

Carlang..u mentioned making love how many times in ur post....am scared oh..
Yeah, the running man must be removed, and the butterfly dance by patra must be re-introduced....
Ninja turtles sounds more like u...

guerreiranigeriana said...

lmao...don kolo finish!!!!...

...which kin of making love?...threesome with no cooling system?...hmmmnnn...all that sweat...yeah, not such a good look...although afrobabe seems to think you were describing masturbation in the first instance...excuse me...*runs to reread the post*...

guerreiranigeriana said...

hmmmnnn...afrobabe just may be correct although i will dispute the use of 'making love' to refer to masturbation...which kin love are you making to yourself?...nonsense...it is an improper use of the term, in fact...

...sorry, the sex without cooling system is what stuck with me...i'm imagining after the fading of the aftersex glow...the smell of sex clinging tightly to the beddings, curtains, hurriedly discarded clothes and panties, even to the dust resting on the motionless arms of the fan...yeah...that might not be a good look for setting the mood next time around...

...so, what's my role?...put me in coach, put me in!!!...*jumping vigorously up and down, although there isn't much up top to hold your gaze, but the small and teasingly quick flashes of a flat mid-section beautifully adorned with a multi-colored waistbead just might hold your attention;)*...

UndaCovaSista said...

*standing ovation and rapturous applause*
Another delectably surreal post from the Master of delectable surreality - Carlang!

fantasy queen said...

dont you get, the sweat when making love in the hot afternoon(which you mentioned twice by the way) makes for great lube...

i seriously think you've speaking alien language(afrobabe is on track here) thats why the only thing every other person is focusing on is the sex/making love bit. me is thinking aliens say that in same language as we do.

i've read and re read this post, i just keep scratching my head(now theres this sore in the middle spot)it feels like i'm watching a sci fi movie, which i admit is one of the few times i actually give up and admit that maybe i'm dumb to an extent because really i dont get or in this case i get but sort of dont get...you dig?
nah...
okay going back to read yet again, maybe i'll find a spot for me in the secret society of nobly great society of k...

gosh you've definately been abducted by aliens.

fantasy queen said...

and i must not be left out, i have to have two comments like afrobabe and guerreiranigeriana. that'll only be fair. i think the secret society preaches fairness yeah?

great so heres my second comment, hopefully there wouldnt be a third and a fourth.

fantasy queen said...

so maybe theres a third comment and maybe a fourth.
just read it again. still scratchin my head...

(i'm not completely dumb, i get what you're saying but i'm playing dumb incase the fbi or cia or sss or whatever have a radar on this and coming barging in, asking questions...you see. they wouldnt ask me cos they'll see i said i dont get what you're suggesting. i'm a wise wise girl)

fantasy queen said...

okay, maybe i'm not that wise cos i said my wonderful plan out loud. oh well, i guess it'll be cool dragged in for questioning, like in the movies,
i'll get to boast to my friends that i had my fingers pulled out...oh men cool!

guerreiranigeriana said...

lmao @ fantasy queen!!!....hilarious...

guerreiranigeriana said...

yeah, i also just wanted to have four comments...all for fairness, of course...

bumight said...

you guys (fantasy queen, guerreiranigeriana) are crazy!
carlang is crazier!!
what have they done to you? I mean the aliens?
I'll have to transfer my bloglove to someone else now, cos I dont think I can deal with all this craziness!

shalewa said...

ummh,i have no comments.thats becuz i don't know what to write.first,carl dissappears and when he appears,he's got u scratching ur head.bu"might" might be right.carl is spreading a craze disease.imagine we have a mission to overthrow phcn.with what? our computers and blogger.com?

darkelcee said...

I have been reading your post for the past 2hours and the conclusion....i understand nada!

And i have missed you so terribly only to come up with this year 2500 script!

just get this cyber hug and i am outta here!

i am not sure i can cope as a recruit.

Florida of Free Spirit said...

lmao. Dis carlang, u no go kill me o. Abeg, i dey office dey form say na correct work i dey do, na like dis u carry expose me eh. lmao. this is simply hilarious.

come o, d first 'making love ...' na with urself?????? my dear, no be making love we dey call am 4 my village.

Onome said...

eeeerrrrr...........no!!! u guys get back to us wen PHwatsamajigga restores power....

Onome said...

i think d second making love u're talking about is with someone oda dan ur partner...cheating i think it is?????

Naija Chickito said...

You don come again. Each time I have to read you posts I have to wear my critical thinking cap to decipher all your yarns. Now, several caps later, I still don't get it.
Why can't things just be simply said? *sighs*

But PHCN dey mama me for Abuja o. God bless the inventor of generator. This one is for you. Carlang is on his own. (OHO)lol

Afrobabe said...

lmao at FQ....yep babes, keep scratching...when u get the decode the alien talk lemme know...

Gnaija...are u ok???
where did u see 3some inside this post...now I might have to read it again just like FQ...I think I am going dumb in my old age...

guerreiranigeriana said...

@ afrobabealicious: na this his use of the phrase 'making love' come confuse me...where i'm from in biakpan;), making love na for two people o!!...or more...no be for one person...shei you get why i was confused...

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

what, what, what?

wetin be dis long tory about association abi kini?

oga oh!

lol!

NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...

N.I.M.M.O said...

I think its confirmed finally. Carlang has gone round the bend.

@Afro, GNaija, FQ: Na wa for una sef. Somebody is writing kolomental, all you think about is sex. Whether na M-class or two-some or three-some.

Someone please call 911!

Smaragd said...

av got stitches in my sides reading these comments, that's after the headache i got from reading the post itself!
u peeps are just totally gaga!
uh... carlang, when u have decided on exactly what ur mission statement is (will the girls be wearing boxers too btw?), u might have a recruit in me, anything to get the freaking PHCN outta my life!

ur previous post almost got me weeping(had to control meself cuz of my boss), av got this to say: u are very sensitive!and that's so sweet, and i also think T's lucky to have a friend like u.

I admire T very much already(and i dnt even know him), infact, tell him i'm AA (and those arent just my initials...lol) and wouldnt mind meeting him and being his blogwife(maybe we can have blogbabies)...lol
seriously, i have several sickle celler friends and my heart aches each time i see them in pain! it's so unfair! i lost one two years ago.

He will def find lov, and healing i pray. he neednt worry cuz he sounds like a really terrific person.

pls tell him i'm sending up a special prayer on his behalf right now.


keep blogging dude, cuz am totally hooked!

Smaragd said...

phew! *wiping my brows* that was as long as a post on its own eh?
i guess i was really touched. and since it's a multiple comment promo, i thot "why not put one more up?" lol

Carlang said...

@ Afrobabe:
Haba.
WHat's all this.
Everyone's complainig that i;m crazy...( including you. Your;s truly Afrobabe aka Psycho One).
lol.
DId i miss something?
WHen was i ever sane?
Ha Ha.
It;s so good to be back.
And look who is first through the door.
Afrobabe..
I'm so happy!!

@Gnaija:
You know i;m not even sure anymore what i meant by the lovemaking line.
There has been so many spin put to it i;m having problems remembering what exactly it was i meant in the first place.
Maybe i was going to say
Making Gloves..
and accidentally wrote love...

.......
Yes,
Yes , that must be it!!!

@ Gnaija:
Hard swallow after reading your proposed role...
Quick flash of us making gloves together.

@ Undervcovasista:
lol.
Why thank you Mam'.
lol.
Seriously....
I dont sound that lost do i?

@ Fantasy queen:
Welcome member 8764321.
Your role will be forwarded to you soon enough.
Hide your secret number..

@ Fantasy Queen:
Okay..
I just realised i wrote your secret number for everyone to see.,
We;ll have to do with a quick substitute..
Your new number is 6549801-897

@ Fantasy Queen:
This isnt working for me...

@ Bumight:
Leave me?
Noooooooo!!!!!!
what would i do without you.
WOnder the vast expanse of insane space seeking another cyber connected alien to fall in love with...

You;re a doctor..
You should know.

The odds of that are not healthy..


@ SHalewa:
lol.
Okay.,..
I'm getting worried now.
it seems everyone thinks ive lost my mind.
have i ?
I might have..
Maybe.
Possibly.
No way!!

Seriously though
PHCN no dey vex you?

@ Darkelcee:
Aw shucks.
I swear..finger to the ground and then air..
My next blog will make sense.
scouts honor.

P.s .I've missed you too..

@ Florida of free spirit;
Wetin dem they call am for your village then?
How come na only the love making wey everyboy dey see.
This blogsville self..
Una don spoil finish..

lol.

@ Onome:
Cheating...
No i dont think that;s it.
lol.
How are you dear?
WHat;s up?

@ Naijachikito:
Which ones now?
Okay i swear again.
My next blog will be very very very straightforward.
lol.
Just simply said,
Abi?

SO i am on my own eh?
Chei...

@ SOlomondeyless or something like that:
Wetin?
You no like am?
How my adopted cyber Godchildren?

@ Nimmo:
I don kolomental?
Why now?
Not you too.
I thought you would join the revolution..

@ Smaragd:
I'm sooo relaying your offer.
thanks so much dear.
Your comment was really sweet.

@ Smaradr:
SO sweet that i couldnt resist posting another reply to you.
Hello AA.
You;re looking nice today..

Lighty said...

u know, in all this long post, u still didnt say exactly wot is to be done???? ummmm!

carl! carlllllll!!!! are u there? knock! knock!

fantasy queen said...

what? you've revealed my code to the whole world..and i was looking forward to walking into a bar like james bond and say 'my name is bond, james bond' except it'd be felas shrine and i'd shakingly whisper as the ganja high dudes stare at me...'my name is queen, fantasy queen', now they'll just slap me and say no be you be 'number 6549801-897' and they'll take me fot torturing(yayyy)immediately.
why do i suspect afrobabe or GNigeriana would be the one to snitch me out?
well not considering that you decoded me to the world yourself.

fantasy queen said...

forgive my long post/comment? i just had to have more comments than the two very visible snitchs to be.

Arewa said...

Damn the boy don colo ooohhh!!
Lol....u are soo funny.
What am i even saying: I told myself that i wasnt going to comment on your post because u have fashied me . I am sulking!!!

Sherri said...

i see u've been drinking the reformulated coke. lol

InCogNaija said...

i was sweating but trying to pretend that this made sense for a while...till you mentioned NEPA (NPHC)...i was like What?!!! i was totally thrown mehn!
then i figured that trying to make sense out of it was going to lead to a migraine...i no get phensic, so i let it go and just enjoyed the irrationality of it.
I think i see that irrationality can be relaxing especially in a world where the need for rationality is leading people to try to rationalize things that dont need to be rationalized...like this write up for instance...lmao!!! that is a result of an irrational moment, courtesy of Carl with a C!!

InCogNaija said...

and about the making love saga...i thot i was the only one who thot smthn was up till i saw the comments. dude c'mon!! LOL@ making gloves.

guerreiranigeriana said...

ewo!!!...so you want to shag me ehn?!...*small smile...raises hands to the sky to thank God for the money to invest in waistbeads!!!*...making gloves indeed!!...but abeg o!!...make sure your cooling system is in order or that you have dealt with this your nepa/phnc/helicopterrangerswhateverelectricitycompany...

guerreiranigeriana said...

@fantasyqueen: ehn ehn...queen...fantasy queen...so you think i'm a snitch ehn?...see as you dey yarn o...make i no bring men, come and enemy you...

...don't worry...i know you know that i know that you know that i am not a snitch...i just needed to comment again...to outdo you...:)

Smaragd said...

thank you very much CarlwithaC, you look really dapper too!*giggles and blushes*

Naapali said...

"Have you ever tried making love in the middle of a hot afternoon with no source of cooling?
Have you ever tried making love with another person in the middle of a hot afternoon with no source of cooling?"

Good things are worth waiting for. This post is a good thing! I still envision that tent in the desert, the guest list keeps growing though!

Ms Sula said...

I was holding my stomach dying of laughter.

You're brilliant... and yes, I suspect this project is indeed very secret.

Lol!

Afrobabe said...

Snitch??? well only if there is a cute man involved in the plot...that is when all hell gets loose and our true colours come out (mine is red by the way)...

I would be wearing an afro wig with a sixties short dress....wipe out a mascara and say its Babe, Afrobabe.....lmao...(this is so nice)....

Onome said...

am fine dear thanks i should be asking u dat disappeared for a while...

fantasy queen said...

lol' of all things to wipe out afrobabe, its mascara eh?

fantasy queen said...

and gnigeriana is messing with me eh?

how can you say you know that i know when i really dont know...

fantasy queen said...

sorry carl for playing on your page, but i just had to leave another comment(we're talking upperhand here)

besides i'm bored, thus thinking up alternative cooling system when theres no power supply in the hot hot afternoon.

i tell ya, imma make big bucks from there

soupasexy said...

gosh! i wonder how u guys come up with stuff like this..

Nine said...

I think you should rally label this post "Random Incoherence".Lol.

shalewa said...

Men ,the phcn thing is vexing me oh.current has been going up and down like the stock exchange.But come oh carl,where u go since all these weeks?

Ms. Catwalq said...

I don't know what you are talking about. mo sorry gan an

desperate lady said...

Carlang u need Jesus in ur life. I'm pretty sure u don't understand the post urself......u dnt right? U really do need Jesus, he's our Lord and personal saviour and he said 'come unto me all ye that labour and i'll give u rest"
k wut has that bible passage got to do with ur craziness? ummmm absolutely nothing. I'll go find a verse 4 ur issues....brb!

30+ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
30+ said...

OMD

Walahi I have to concur with Guerreira with capital K.

DL, let him start with Psalms chapter 1 - chapter 100

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

lol came looking for an update and saw yoru response to my comment. lol

The kids are fine. how youd ey?

tobenna said...

Finally!
A Calvin & Hobbes fan!
I really wonder why I'm just stumbling upon this blog now. Shoulda been here ages ago.
"Codenamed: The Phoenix dies" proves you are loyal. A masterpiece, my friend. Befitting a genius genome.
But wait, this is alm...............................

Correspondence with CarlwithaC failed
retrying in 30 seconds........
retrying in 30 minutes........
retrying in 30 days...........
Data corruption
Mega thrusters have shut down
Here comes the ORKS!
AAAAARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Afrobabe said...

Damm Carlang has a crazy partner in Tobenna!!!

Atutupoyoyo said...

Ol boy the madness don complete. Don't fight it just accept the inevitability.

I should hopefully get to round to reading your submission by weekend. Looking forward to it. Where is the second one you promised? Anyway we have bowed to public pressure and extended the deadline to April 30. Take your time to finesse it.

ladyguide said...

(..Ol boy the madness don complete. Don't fight it just accept the inevitability.)
Atutu, na true u talk , make we find rope tie am b4 him enta market , abi him don enta already?

Che-e-ly said...

Carl,

i am extremely surprised that you are particularly upset about the absence of power during sex, masturbation, lovemaking, whatever. Have u heard that part of why LUTH was insistent on an industrial action was cos a number of surgeries were done using light from mobile devices?!?! And u have 55 comments!!!

Joke, but endeavour to be serious with serious issues, please.

Regards,

C.

(U mite find some of my reasons when u click on my name.)

guerreiranigeriana said...

come and update jo!!!...like say the govt don pick you up o!...

Honeywell said...

LMAO!!

this dude, you have a serious screw loose.... thats sexy... :)

Really though, where do you come up with this stuff???

babeandahalf said...

"Have you ever stupidly tried committing suicide with an electric iron only for Target PHEPA to take power?"

I can only imagine how terribly frustrating that would be!!!