Friday, April 18, 2008

When the wind blows.



I got the call at 6am.
The ringtone—a sudden shatter of the morning's silence by Eiffel 65's "I'm blue"—meant only one thing.
It was family.
“It’s a girl." My sister yelled into my ear.

Or it was family announcing more family.
"Stop talking to yourself and wake up!" My sister yelled again.
I closed my eye with exasperation.

I had long since stopped the search for the source of my Sister’s Insanity.
I didn’t have to look far. Coming barely a year after me she had had the misfortune of having me as her only friend and ally as we chugged through the tracks of life. I was the lead coach tugging her along as I announced my discoveries, perceptions and dreams. Somewhere along the line I took a sharp turn of the straight and headed down the twisted and rarely visited. Ever the loyalist she turned off with me.
So, no, I didn’t bother questioning why she was the way she was. That I already I knew.
What bothered me was not why she was a screwball but why she still was.
It was okay to have a mind that could think off tangent and the will to act on it but when you went past 21 with a perfect pair of legs and a lovely flat tummy you started to think that maybe, just maybe, a return to normalcy was called for.
My concern did not stream primarily from my wells of sibling concern.
I was being selfish. Just in case my plans didn’t work out. She was supposed to be my backup. She would marry a Billionaire and split the fortunes with me.
I checked the market. Most Billionaires didn’t want Wacko's as wives.
Problem is my sister didn’t share this line of reasoning with me.
To get from her position to marriage she would have to do a 180, switch tracks and develop a fondness for men, none of which took her fancy.
“Men are douche bags" she pronounced whenever I brought the topic up.
I looked at her wearily as she made the pronouncement, I was male wasn’t I?

She didn’t come by her verdict overnight. She had dated a couple of times. The last one had been serious. It lasted 3years before coming to a mutually orchestrated end. Since the breakup though, she had refused to re-dive into the pool.
When probed she announced with scorn that it was her decision to make. The fire in her eyes where very familiar. What had I done?
Maybe I was a douche bag.

She was way past my control now. I had taught her independence and the merits of seeking solace in illogical logic. She was now her own train choosing where she went. And so I had to suffer her opinions, views and continued disregard for the male folk.
"A girl?" I asked slowly. My mouth felt dry and my eyes were still trying to let the light in.
“Yes a girl. You're an Uncle now." She chuckled wickedly "Wake up and stop being a cow. And oh--before I forget--call mum. She still hasn’t forgiven you for that Silly” I just got married yesterday" April fool's joke."
And then she hung up.

I stumble off to the bathroom to see if my morning could be salvaged.
My cousin, to whom I had been best man, was the reason for my early awakening. His wife had been two months pregnant before the wedding. I hadn’t been told this most important of information when my services as Best man had been propositioned. I still felt cheated. I had been best man to three instead of two people. Once the fact of the pregnancy had been established I had walked over the the groom and demanded that in compensation I be allowed to play Godfather to his forthcoming child. He gave me a worried look and handed over his car keys.
Why don’t you just take that as compensation instead? He offered with a hopeful look.
I spent the rest of the week in silent torment.
Was I that bad a nominee for Godfather?
Was I really that terrible?
A douche bag who couldn’t be a God father?

That was six months ago.
From my sister’s announcement it seemed the baby was finally here. I looked in the mirror and reminded myself for the 30th time that I had to have a haircut.
This was turning out to be an annoying morning.
Still Groggy I pulled out my toothbrush and grabbed the dish along the sink. I rubbed it against the soap and then put it in my mouth.
I woke up after that.


After 30 minutes of spitting and yelling at myself I got dressed and prepared to go visit my niece.
Whilst I zipped up my trousers very slowly, I considered my dilemma.
I had been convinced that the baby would be a boy and consequently had made a list of male names.
Rock, Phoenix, Kanye and maybe, just maybe, Naapali.
Now six months later I was left with a girl to name.
I experimented with the names. Would adding a suffix ia at the end breathe some effeminacy into them?
Rockia?
Phonexia?
Kanyeia?
Oh God no....Naapalia?
With the exception of Phonexia most of the names didn’t sound like the sort of thing that she would survive primary school with.
I sighed with more frustration.

Almost ready, I called 3 different people to find out the name of the hospital the baby was gurgling at and came up with 4 different addresses.
I didn’t see how this was possible, unless it was one of those bouncing babies that literally bounced upon birth. Frustrated I picked my novel—a lovely book by Nelson Demille called The Gold Coast—and with Psophie safely tucked into my pocket I made my way to my cousin's house. My logic was simple. Once I got to the scene of the crime I was convinced someone would point me in the right direction.

Fortunately for me I didn’t have to go to all that trouble.
I met the mother as I walked in.
My cousin's wife was something else. She was actually back home. The baby had been born at 2am on the 13th of April and here she was 8 hours later back in her home.
When my mum had me she had stayed in the hospital for one week. I’m not sure whether it was necessitated by her need to heal and recuperate or because (as I suspect) she was trying to return me to the hospital. Whatever the story I was staring at an oddity. Here was some lady who was back on her feet after only 8 hours.
She explained herself. She had decided to go stay at her mum's for the next 3 days and so I caught her at home packing for her next 2 days.
“Where is she?" I asked happily.
"Don’t you dare touch her" the mother said every bit a lioness.
We laughed at each other. Secretly I was relieved. I never felt comfortable carrying babies. They were so frail and kept judging you with those lovely eyes of theirs.
“I’m going to call her Phoenixia."
"What?" She asked me wearily.
"Phonexia. That's the name I’m going to call my first niece,"
She gave me a worried look and asked me to carry a trunk for her. It was heavy.
Why did girls pack for a year when they where traveling for a week?
It occurred to me that I hadn’t seen the father yet.
“Where’s Dave?" I asked after spraining my arms.
"He is in the bedroom. He isn’t talking right now" she gave me a smile “He was with me during the birth."
I stood with a stunned look
Oh.

I wasn’t the only one who wanted to see the baby. A couple came in minutes after I did.
I stood aside whilst they yelled out their congratulations. I didn’t see what they were so happy about.
True the contractions had stopped, but the labor seemed like it was just beginning.
"Where is the baby" the man asked. He had a funny moustache.
"Phonexia." I corrected.
"What?" Funny moustache asked.
“The baby's name is Phonexia."
"Don’t mind him. He is insane" Phoenix’s mum said with a laugh. She introduced me. “This is my cousin in law. I don’t know if you remember him but he was the best man at our wedding."
I stuck out my hand and shook funny moustache. I hoped he wasn’t contagious.
He and his wife nodded wearily at me. They looked around the room briefly.
“Where is Dave?"
"He witnessed the childbirth." I said cheerfully.
They didn’t disappoint me.
The woman laughed.
The man raised his eyebrows.
Oh?
He might have smiled or frowned ,i wasn't sure. It was hard to tell with the moustache.

As if he heard us talking about him, Dave walked into the parlor with the baby in his arms.
Dave smiled proudly at me when he saw me.
I didn't blame.He had a daughter now. Two cars, a beautiful wife and a lovely daughter No question about it. He was winning the race.
I smiled back at him. Phonexia looked so lovely. She gave me a slow look and closed her eyes.
She didn’t think much about her Uncle Carl.
That settled it. I liked her already. She was a smart one.
“You think you can wait 26 years?” Dave asked funny moustache.
Funny moustache laughed. Beside him the woman gave an uncomfortable Ha ha with us. I didn’t blame her. It was one thing to be upstaged by the young girls in the world but to actually meet your competition. It was sort of like Madonna meeting Shakira.
The man blind to his girlfriend (she couldnt be his wife anymore) discomfort smiled at Dave.
“Haba. Me ke? In 21 years I’ll give you a gun to help protect her.”
Once again everyone burst into laughter.
I didn’t pay them much attention. I was staring in shock at Phonexia.
Only 10 hours old and already her ears were pierced with accompanying earrings.

“What’s wrong with that?” My sister asked me later on at night.
The sun had gone down 4 hour ago but the moon was yet to come up for air. It was one of those monthly events where the baton got lost mid transitions. The stars filled the sky announcing their apologies for the moon’s absence. Characteristically, no one noticed.
“Nothing. Girls will be girls I guess.” I said with a smile.
My sister’s grunt over the phone announced what she thought of my verdict.
“Did you call mum yet?”
I laughed.
“Yes I did. She told me to grow up. Then I told her of Dave’s baby and she told me to get off the phone so she could call him.”
My sister laughed with me.
“Don’t mind mum. It was a pretty funny joke but I don’t want to encourage you.” She said. “Speaking of Dave how was he anyway.”
“Not too good. He was with her during the delivery.” I said.
“Ooh. That’s so sweet.”
I didn’t argue with her.
Men were from Mars and Women where from Venus.
Being present at child birth was sweet?
“What do you think about Phonexia as a name for the baby?” I asked.
“Shut up.”
We chatted a bit more and then with a yawn, she hung up with a sleepy “Love you and good bye.”

I lay in bed tired.
The time was 10pm.
My mind wandered over the events of the day. The scourge was spreading, I observed.
My mum, my grandma, my sisters and my niece.
All of them where female.
Women really where taking over the world.
I pondered the choice of a female name and finally hit on Renee.
It was either that or Bridget Jones.
Renee sounded good.
And with that thought I closed my eyes and slept off.

And thus it ended .
The moon might not have made it and once again i forget about my hair but April 13th ended on a good note.
I did not become a Godfather but at least I was an Uncle.
Content, I slept on.

The hairy douche bag probably snored too.

39 comments:

fantasy queen said...

first? me? lil' me?
oh lifes so good(singing the blues here)

yayyyyy, i'm first!

darkelcee said...

Thank you Jesus thank you my Lord

Carl is back!

our own CARL not the allien that put up the last post.

lolllllll

fantasy queen said...

OMG, are you for real?
you stuck with the phoenix name didnt you, now its got me thinking if maybe you're the dad *sigh* now if only you were white we'd have know by her blue eyes without the whole dna bit.
and the obsession with naapali's got me really worried.
good idea you being godfather is taken as a really funny joke thats got punchlines in every word.
babies are fun, i love them to death, fragile in the first 2 months to carry, but strong enough to fling over the fence without a gurgle from them in the following months.

i wouldnt take it lightly if i was funny moustach uys wife too, with the trend of 50 something and 18yr old couples hitting the street. grab your shot gun uncle carl!

of cos your mum,grandma, sisters and niece are girls, what did u expect? crouch grabbing, flat chested objects?

fantasy queen said...

sorry for the lenght of the post, just excited at being first, was going to party at being second to but ms darkelcee beat me to it cos i was talking too much...lol

darkelcee said...

I'm sure ur cousin will not allow you name the baby Rockia,Phonexia,Kanyeia?
or Naapalia?what kind of are those? loll

Uncle is enough but if u are a good boy you can bag the Godfather role.

Ms Sula said...

Awwww, so sweet!

And quite frankly, Phoenixia had a nice ring to it!

But Renee is not half-bad...

You go, Uncle Carl!

Jaycee said...

#7th....

k, lemme go back and take all this in...brb to comment!!! :)

guerreiranigeriana said...

congrats!!!!...new light for you too...and a little female wonder!!!...what's wrong with being present at the birth?...

...in fact, i remember having to show a class a movie where a woman gave birth...the male students swore off ever having sex...why? was what i wondered...*thinks to self that this may be a great prevention tool for convincing guys to delay sexual debut*...explain yourself...

UndaCovaSista said...

Congrats on becoming a douche ba....Oops, i mean Uncle :)

Jaycee said...

A douche bag who couldn’t be a God father?

Why are u making us feel sad for u naw??? Lolll...

Rock, Phoenix, Kanye and maybe, just maybe, Naapali.

Ur selection of male names is just plain HILARIOUS!!!! You know ur cousin won't have taken any...or maybe he would have taken Naapali. The other day I dreamt of that name for some reason...Naapali it just sounds cute! Pls Naapalia doesn't sound nice...lol. I can't believe u named her PHOENEXIA by force...lol...u're a trip Carlang!

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus...so u're one of the supporters of that phrase? Last time I checked we were all from planet earth...lol.

Carlang...what prompted u to think of all those names, including Renee? I feel like entering ur brain...lol.

Jaycee said...

By the way, I think u're not just gonna be a good uncle, but also a great dad!!!

Ur daughter will be happy her daddy was surrounded with WOMEN!!! Ha ha...

(Congratulations on being a new uncle)

Naapali said...

*Napaalia beat me* screamed a five year old girl as she ran home, chased by a cherubic vixen, her hair in braids, a smile like angel song. "Naapalia, how many times will I tell you not to beat your younger sister? See Carlangella has another bruise on her nose". "But Mom, I did not beat her! Her nose hit my fist" said Naapalia, smiling sweetly.

Free-flowing Florida said...

my dear, where u dey since? i don begin dey worry say dem don kidnap u. a sin d pple u exposed their secrets. nice 2 have u back

i think i'd have my husband @ d delivery too. so, wen he starts yapping abt another baby, i'd ask him 'do u consider dat fair, dat i should suffer 2ru another like dat?'. dat should shut him up 4 a while

Afrobabe said...

A master piece...Lovely in every sense of the word...

and that last line...The hairy douche bag probably snored too. Is just a classic...maybe I'll get you to write my book for me...I tell u the stories, you do the writing...

Now the name...Phonexia...u really have lost ur mables haven't u???? Thank God u came to ur senses at the very end....Naapalia was a good option as well..

What am I saying...Now am all mushy...

I WANT A BABY TOO!!!!!

ablackjamesbond said...

@ Naapali...thanks for the insight into the kind of kid u were?

Carl...congrats!

Smaragd said...

@naapali, Naapalia and Carlangella?Lmao! the names sound like viruses found on House MD or some new bacteria!

Carlang(ella) the hairy douche bag, this post is hilarious! I TOTALLY love the way u write.and Renee/Phoenix are cool names, phonexia is a no-no!lol

so whatsup with the cult? we've beeen living on our generator for the past 10days! this cyberdame is ready to destroy Nepa!just say the word.

Carlang said...

@ Darkelcee:
Yes i am back.
The aliens tried to keep me but thanks to your protest and inquiries they realised that keeping me wasnt as important as maintaining their secrecy.
I only wish you had comlained before they started the cavity probe experiments.

@fantasy queen: Flat chested objects..
You remind me of my sisters first barbie doll.
At least we thought it was a barbie doll until we watched our very first episode of Transformers. Optimus prime was stuck in the toilet for a week after that.
lol.
Well, honestly, i did think of naming my niece fantasy queen (or princess) but i wasnt sure how she would feel ,when midst discussion some day inteh neat futurem i let slip the fact that i once had a crush on some lovely invisible cyber girl called fantasy queen.
What can i say..
p.s Good luck loosing to Barcelona!

@Ms Sula: WHy, thank you .
I think Phonexia has a really nice , angel playing the tamborine, kind of ring to it.
Now if only my cousin would think the same way..
Should i send you their number?

@Guerriranaija:
I absolutely refuse to explain myself.
Well...
I mean......
We all love beef right?
Well most off us...
Least I do.
But i'm not crazy about witnessing a cow slaying, skinning and the necessary processing steps thereafter that results in beef.
Just pass me a kilo please.
Preferably with red lingerie!

@Undacovasista:
Me.
A douche ba .. i mean UNcle?
How dare yo... I mean... WHy, thank you!

@Jaycee:
Well yes .. technically we're from earth.
But before that,..
a long long long time ago.
There was a happy planet called Mars. Men woke up , played video games and talked football.
And then sex happened!

Thanks. I think the names are pretty nice myself. Lol. How are you ?
I dont know about visiting my head.. but there are a few places you're welcome to inspect.
My Martian eyes for instance.

@ Naapalia:
"What is Oral sex?" Naapalia asked her mum.

@Florida in free flow:
Please dont.
Dont do it...
Think of what you;ll be missing. Not what you stand to gain.
lol.
DOnt mind me Jare.
I;ve been so busy with life that i forgot that this is where it' s happeing.
Ever heard the story?
On the seventh day God rested and created his blog page.
He called it "the Bible."

@Afrobabe:
That's okay, last time i checked you seem to be on a very healthy track to have a baby.
Still when you;re sure you're ready give me shout out. I have obtainted the secret Kamasutra technique guaranteed to result in twins.
And you thought you werent lucky.

Thanks for the offer. I'll be delighted to write your story when you're ready.
I'll be even more delighted and honoured if we were to write it together.

I'm calling Godfather-Dibs on your first kid.

@ Blackjamesbond:
My sentiments exactly.Thanks bro.

"Do you expect me to talk?
NO Mr Bond. I expect you to die!"


@Smaragd:
Ah.
A loyal recruit.
By now you must have recieved your instructions for the next step.
lol.
Hello dear. I think the names sounded nice.Although ,given ,Naapalia's sudden violent turn i am reconsidering the name for a gentler one.
WIld cat perhaps?
On a lighter note you obviously are a House MD fan.
This is good news indeed.
Carlangella, the hairy douche bag smiled in delight!

Afrobabe said...

awwww how sweet...

and what do u mean by me being on the right track for babies...

ohhhh that!!!!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Phoenixia?

Hairy douche bag?

Where did Carlang go?

lol! No, I liked the post, uncle Carlang! Glad you updated, now update again!

Carlang said...

@ Afrobabe: Yes That!
Er...
What exactly are we talking about?

@ Fantasy Queen: I realised i had like a million typos in my reply to you.
Then i figured....
She's smart.
She'll figure it out.
Plus, i get to write another comment to you.
So...
How are you beautiful?

Lighty said...

awww Carly's an uncle. to a beautiful angel too? life has to be great.

now one thing though, phoenixia might be over the top, renee's a beautiful name. but honest how do u think lighty would sound on that beautiful angel?
oh there u go, name her lighty cos she's a beautiful angel, do u get? as in lighty, angel. lol. am cracking myself. let me stop.

so my darling. did u get my reply to ur letter?
i am not fine, i am stressed
and i miss u so.
ur angel.

Onome said...

this is long overdue but congrats on the arrival of your niece(renee? or pheonixia?)(lol)

shalewa said...

@smaragd,"naapali, Naapalia and Carlangella?Lmao! the names sound like viruses found on House MD or some new bacteria!" LOL

aww.carl is "an" uncle or is it "a" uncle?.thats so sweet.what can i teach u bout being an/a uncle?love her till u die.sums everything up.phoenixia sounds like a fairytale character.why not name her precious since thats what she is.and please,update in the next 24hrs.love the way u write.i know ur head is swelling even though its bad for ur brain,according to my studies.

Jeff Corbin said...

Silly Rabbit!
First off, am the godfather man...don't kid yourself.

Phoenexia?!
No wonder they picked me instead of you...lol!
And her name is gonna be Jaenelle...see how lovely that looks and sound?

:)

Oh and i think Dave actually did that cus i said i had done it as well...Which i honestly have and also wasn't feeling too good after that...thats another story. Congrats man!

Ms. emmotions said...

not sure if its my first time here but one thing am sure of is.....u sound jus like say ..afrobabe...the male her, if that makes any sense

Ms. emmotions said...

for got to say congrats,

so congratutlations it is to carlang..

Ms. Catwalq said...

awwwwwwwwwwww. Congrats

I am surprised you did not think of Catwalq as a suitable name...no, take that back. I am upset...

Cos I know it is better than Phoenixia...

When I know someone who is looking for a Godfather for their child, I will not call you...

I am hurt and not speaking to you

Free-flowing Florida said...

@ ms catwalq: catwalq as a name????? d girl will be scarred 4 life!!!! everyone would b asking her 'r u a model? is ur mom a model? was ur dad in love wit d model?' (which of course brings me 2 d question, r u a model?)

but phoenixia, no1 would even make head or tail where d name originated 4rm, so d girl gets some piece of mind

Honeywell said...

yay, he's back!!
phoenixia? lawd.... abeg renee is nice......please don't name her bridget jones...

soupasexy said...

that was long but i must say u write really good & i enjoyed it.

hey, how abt kanya instead of kanyeia...lol. trust, she'll be famous when she grows.

Nine said...

Oh dear God,another poor child at your mercy.

Oh,the horror,the humanity!

Queen of My Castle said...

Awwwww, this tale was too cute. I soooo want a daughter. Little girls are so dainty. So, how does it feel to now be UNCLE Carl? LOL.

guerreiranigeriana said...

abeg...bring this your pic...am curious now...let catwalq and i judge am for you;)...

Afrobabe said...

beats me but am sure its one and the same thing..

afterall there is only one way to get a baby right..

well, the only fun way :-)

mirage said...

congrats uncle!

darkelcee said...

You've been tagged dear.

check out my blog for more details

bumight said...

I refused to put my comment at first cos I was in shock that Bumight was not the first name that came to ur head!

how could you? infact, we're so over!!!

geisha said...

technially, isn't the child of ur cousin your second cousin?

Bunmmy said...

i try.........but can't