Thursday, May 1, 2008

The By-laws of life

In this ordered and structured world of ours there exists undefined laws within man's rigid frame.

Lightning may strike anywhere it wants. It is a law firmly set within earths ordered structured.
You dont believe me? Look under the Earth's constitution for lightning.
The entire earth is permitted table for Zeus's practice.
That is acceptable.
What is unacceptable is found within the undefined laws.
Lightning may not strike twice in the same place.
Laws within laws.
Earth spins on merging a cocktail of defined and the undefined.

You may have an orgasm during sex.
The female must achieve one, preferably more, before the man may gasp his first, usually last climax for the sex to be deemed memory worthy.

Sounds rarely kill.
If you hear a gunshot duck.
If you hear another gun shot start running.
If you hear a third gunshot really start running.
If you're in your apartment during the gunshots there is no point running.
And so on and so forth.

I call them the bylaws of life.
These undefined and yet resolute laws which we all somehow know and follow. All through life we are expected to obey them and stick to the formula. Common sense , our annoying pro bono lawyer,advises us too.
Deviating from the rule is simply unwise as made apparent by the law beneath.
You may not re-accept a boyfriend/girlfriend who has dumped you three times for a better fish only to return when the urge for Tilapia (that would be you) resurfaces.
Laws I tell you.

The bylaws are here to stay. Make no mistake about it.
There actually is a bylaw about that but here is not the place to point it out.
You see this post isn't about defining the bylaws; it is about reporting a crime against them.
Last week a group of individuals callously broke one of the sacred and most cardinal rules in the bylaws.
These men where armed robbers.
Nothing wrong there.
My mum was robbed by these men.
It happens.
In the same day.
Now that.... is unacceptable.

Twice in a day?
What kind of idiotic armed robber does that?
There is a clear rule stating that thieves may not rob a person twice.
It's right there, next to the law that you may not kill a person twice. Didn't they read the constitution? Is there no such thing as honor amongst thieves. Where they that unlucky at the gambling booth.
Sigh I disgress. I am yet to tell the tale. Don't get your hopes up though. It reallyis an annoying story.

My mum, (God bles her sexy soul) was off to work one happy day, the sun was in the sky, birds were twittering and Risse had scored a lovely goal for Chelsea the night before. Everything seemed perfect when, suddenly, she was stopped by these creeps of the night in broad daylight.
My mum was nice; she gave them everything they asked off her. Her money. Her purse. Her phone. The name of her worst son (Carl). Everything they asked for she handed over.
Impressed with her cooperation they let her drive on to work.
Up unto that point the story seemed ordinary.
What was weird is 7 hours later as she returned from work (yes my mum actually stayed in the office and worked. And y'all cal me crazy), whistling "Jesus na baba" they hopped out of the bushes and pulled her up again.

This time all my mum had was 50 Naira.
See why the "Once a day" law is there?

Fortunately everything thereafter stayed though to the rules of life.
20 metres after the robbery was a Police post with armed Police men seating down. They greeted her cheerfully as she approached.

Wihout her 50 Niara she couldnt tip them!


UndaCovaSista said...

I'm on a roll, blogsville! I'm on a roll!

UndaCovaSista said...

Wow! What are the chances of that?!
I'm really glad to hear that your Mum emerged from the ordeal relatively unscathed...though that seems kind of hollow cos no one should have to go through that kind of trauma at all. Fullstop. Praise God she's fine and able to sing Jesus na Baba :)

bumight said...

wow! that is pretty unusual...thank God she wasn't hurt!

Lighty said...

thatz crazy tho. fortunately she is safe.

lovely post dearie! although unfortunate event.

i sent the letter for the third time now, hopefully u got it this time.

Naapali said...

Carl, my empathy belongs to your mom and you.

I will be remiss if I did not single this line out
"My mum, (God bles her sexy soul) was off to work one happy day, "

I am sure this is the first time in human history that a Nigerian has used the words mum, sexy and God in one sentence. My admiration is well warranted.

Naapali said...


Yes you are on a roll baby, just when the doubters and haters were beginning to gather.

guerreiranigeriana said...

chai...can you imagine? true fuckery...the part that gets me, besides being robbed twice is that she couldn't tip the bastard police officers...bother...

...happy she wasn't seriously hurt...

Jaycee said...

All for ur mum? I dislike these armed robbers...

No wonder u started this epistle with "BYLAWS." Things that are laws, but aren't really talked about. This, my dear, was inexcusable!

Jaycee said...

Like Naapali, I love "mum" and "sexy" in the same line :)

Afrobabe said...

wow, thats crazy...twice in a day??/ hope they didnt take her car...

darkelcee said...

Thank God for her life.

That was very scary.twice in a day? Thank God

Smaragd said...

Thank God for ur mum Carl! twice in a day is indeed odd.

Am i glad that she couldnt tip the nonsense policemen! unfortunately, it was cuz she'd been robbed. I hope she wasnt roughened up at all.

ablackjamesbond said...

Thank God ur Mum is ok...she must be a strong woman.

Just wondering though, what do u think of Okafor's law or is it a bylaw?

fantasy queen said...

good news is she didnt get to tip the 50 bucks less for them..
how unfortunate taht even the robbers rejected you when she offered.

glad her sexy soul came through unscratched.
sometimes life just loves to get bitchy in all the worng ways.

shalewa said...

thank god ur mum is alive and was not hurt by these pple in anyway.2 attacks,one day!dts sad.

Che-e-ly said...

Bros, i have tagged u ooo! It's on

Che-e-ly said...

now that i have read up...

First, as u have rightly claimed, U R MAD!

next;do i love ur sense of humour? I think so really. I think it's called euphemism in english. And pls greet ur mommy for me.

Finally, pls ask her if she would be interested. am organising a pageant for sexy-soul mommies. what a way to describe her, i love it tho.

Free-flowing Florida said...

carlang, u r hilarious! jeez, how do u come up with these stories. 'You may not re-accept a boyfriend/girlfriend who has dumped you three times for a better fish only to return when the urge for Tilapia (that would be you) resurfaces.See?'. WORD!

eh ya abt ur mom.

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

twice in a day..those robbers are trully high...and then police people..*shakes head* glad they did not hurt her

Carlang said...

@ Undacovasista:
Thanks dear. \My mum was annoyingly cheerful about the whole thing. I’m glad she escaped unscathed as well. It might be hollow ( and I don’t see how?) but it’s a lovely thought given the alternative.

:@ Bumight: I’ve been a really naughty future husband. Havent been to your pages in days.
Now lets see..
I click on the tag called Bumight and….

@ lighty:
Thanks. Yes it is fortunate that she is safe.
I really don’t want to talk about the letter again. I’ve given up on my yahoo box.
You know what..
Try sending it to my gmail account.
It’s the same id as my yahoo..
Or check my blog profile for it.

Or you could just facebook it anyway…

@ Naapali:
Trust you to turn an innocent remark into a line worthy of admiration. You do my ego much good. However my conscience demands that I admit I wrote the line simply out of humor and less out of creative genius.

@ Gnaija:
Na. She’s from the old and pretty strong stock. Seemed to find the whole thing funny.
Speaking of funny your last post left me feeling slightly … funny

Thanks dear. I think it was very inexcusable.
I’m so pissed , I’m considering setting up my own vigilante justice team.
p.s Mum’s are sexy you know..

@ Olamid:
Thank you dear.
You tagged me abi?

@ Smaragd:
No she wasn’t roughened.
That;s probably why they survived. The last time my mum slapped me I was deaf for 3 weeks…..

@Fantasy queen:
Well they really didn’t reject me. They insisted she pay them to take me. Sadly she didn’t have enough…
Yeah.. Life swings like that sometimes….

@SHalewa:Terribly sad too. Nope she wasn’t hurt.

Carlang said...

@ Cheely: I have spoken to my mum.
She is very interested in said competition. What does it entail?
Another tag..
Oh no…..

@ Free florida: I have no idea. Lol.
Thanks about my mum. Her next birthday I’m buying her a gun , a bow with a quiver full of titanium tipped arrows and a pepper spray.

@ Zephi Fahrenheit:
Thanks dear. The police? Don’t get me started on those clowns..

Nine said...

I love Nigerians;get robbed twice in a day and we go "Thank God,it could have been worse".

Glad to hear your Mom's okay sha.That shit gets old.

Ms Sula said...

I am sorry about your Mum's misfortunes...

Ivcouldn't help to laugh out loud at this:

Sounds rarely kill.
If you hear a gunshot duck.
If you hear another gun shot start running.
If you hear a third gunshot really start running.
If you're in your apartment during the gunshots there is no point running.

You're truly one of a kind.

Onome said...

aaaawww dear!!!!!! sorry'bout dat bro....

babeandahalf said...

Risse plays for Chelea now??? Liverpool fan that I am, I could have sworn that Riise plays for Liverpool!!!

babeandahalf said...

P.S. Did they recognise her from their earlier foray???

Dang, though!!!