Saturday, January 24, 2009

At the insistence of "We".

I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while now.

It’s been lingering in the back of my mind, rearing its uninvited head when the occasion presented itself. Like when I was caught in traffic, firmly sandwiched amongst three hundred cars and what looked in the distance to be an elephant. I thought to myself with irritated amusement “Wouldn’t this be a fun thing to blog about?”

It progressed slowly over the weeks. When I noticed that the planners of the year 2009 had somehow goofed and accidentally assigned the 14th of February to a Saturday I was blinded with fury. What was the reason behind their mistake? Why would they do something so silly? Who assigns Valentine’s day to a Saturday? The horror. All my excuses for avoiding valentine which I had saved over the years would be completely useless this year. How was I supposed to be in a business meeting on Saturday? No girl would believe that excuse. What had those idiots done this year? Shouldn’t I be doing something about this? Like blogging a complaint?

Finally it came to a head last night.

Oddly enough nothing special happened. I was there lying on my bed celebrating the end of another busy work day. I had my earphones on and Keri Hilson was yelling something about her Energy. I was dressed in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt which had the picture of Obama and the words “Change” emblazoned on it. I was particularly fond of that T-Shirt. A while ago the T-shirt had suffered a meeting with a bottle of ketchup. Now Obama stared back at me with ketchup on his chin and a smile that didn’t seem fitting anymore. I had refused to wash the T-shirt. I loved the look of shock when people spotted me wearing it.
“Is that blood or ketchup?” they would ask, looking quickly at my face and then back at the shirt.
It was always hard to decide what to answer.

So there I was ,smelling like a man who works in a ketchup factory dedicated solely to the culinary demands of America’s number one citizen. I had just finished chuckling over some joke I heard a girl say—I can never be Lesbian. I’m not crazy about the female Vah-jay-jay. I’m so paranoid about it, they gave birth to me via caesarian.—and now had nothing else to do except return to reading my current Novel (Double Tap by Steve Martini) or attacking the Rubik’s cube which had been in my possession for the last 3 months. The pressure of choice. I was lying there trying to decide which of the two would be more fun when suddenly my alter ego Karlang sighed and asked out loud.

“Why don’t you just write something?”

Now I’m not particularly fond of Karlang. He is the annoying half of me that enjoys asking ridiculous questions.
Like what constitutes sexual Harassment at work?
Supposing you wink at your secretary would that be sexual harassment?
Supposing it’s just because you have something n your eye?
Supposing it’s her right breast?

Whenever people asked me if it was Blood or Ketchup that smeared Obama’s chin, it was always Karlang who thought saying Blood would be a great idea. Karlang was responsible for seeing imaginary elephants in holdups and the major reason why I was always in holdups in the first place. Karlang was my annoying irresponsible half who I had had to deal with all my life. He was the cocky bastard who thought he was so cool he could make gay women straight and I was the accompanying sidekick who feared he could turn straight women gay. Every week I wished there was some way I could trade him for something else—like a cricket for instance. And yet, despite our differed perception of the world and its bylaws, every once in a while he sometimes managed to say something that resonated on the reasonable or, at least ,mutually acceptable to us both.
Like when I found out the 14th of February was on a Saturday.
We both groaned out loud.
“Saturday?” I moaned. “That’s terrible.”
“Tell me about it.” He muttered. “I’m not going to be able to watch the football matches.”

This seemed to be one of those rare Moments when we both seemed to agree on an idea. I paused and considered his suggestion. It seemed like a good idea. Hell it seemed like an extremely great idea.
“I’m smart like that.”Karlang pointed out.
“Oh shut up.” I snapped.
There was sudden knock on my door and then without pausing, my cousin stuck his head into my room. He looked at me for a second.
“Who are you talking to?”
“Er.. No one.” I said with an embarrassed smile. Just some creep who lives in my head.
He shook his head sadly and left. I didn’t want to consider the conversation currently going on in his head.

I lay down for a bit more, pondering what exactly I would write if did decide to listen to my advice and write.
What could I possibly write on? I wondered. My life had been really boring thus far except for that one time when I feared I was pregnant.
Ha Ha.
Karlang sighed out loud with irritation.
“How about we just start writing and figure out what to write along the way.”
Sometimes he does make a little sense.

And so we did.
This is it.

43 comments:

Temite said...

I am furstttttttttttttttttttttttttt
Carlang dearest, welcome back! I have missed you!

Temite said...

Hello there....
H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S! Tell Karlang I said Hello! I kinda like him. Wait what...Did you say you thought you were pregnant - buahhahhahahaha. Priceless. Off I go!

miz-cynic said...

and i on the other hand is very happy its a saturday.this luks lie the one vals day in a very long time id be sending alone so its good i dnt display my state of boyfriendlessness to my ofice peeps before they start to "filokulo lomi"(send me bizarre offers)

rayo said...

its rili annoyin that vals day is a saturday, its bad enuf when its on a weekday... misd karlan, or is it Carl i misd, i dunno joh

Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shubby Doo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shubby Doo said...

Carl u berra stop bad mouthing my dearest karlang...he does not just oggle a woman's right breast...that is a bloody aspertion I tell u...I know for a fact that he checks out the left breast 2...lol

Also, I do doubt that he'd want to turn straight men gay...not his scene...and to the straight women that you fear that he might turn gay...good riddance jare...you've got to be able to stand the heat to hang with by buddy karl with a k...if not then I say 'bloody well get out of the kitchen jo'...lol

As for valentines day, I am suprised at you...tut tut...I would have bet good money that you had already planned a special day with andromeda...so I really am floored that you and karl moaned in unison...hmmm...this is worrying me...pray tell what is the plan for 14th feb?

p.s
Glad to have you back in 2009 sweetie. Stay blessed

Shubby Doo said...

@ carlang - in response: lol @ no moaning...dang!!!

i hope you know she means 'do surprise me' when she says 'don't come visit me'... but i trust you have it covered

I would have loved to have met Karl in lagos...hmmm...think of all the mischief we could have got up to together ;-)...maybe next time hun

take care

p.s
sorry about my deleted comments tracks above...it's sunday...i am meant to be relaxing and not taking the piss out of you =)

CaramelD said...

I am very happy that you couldn't resist temptation!!!

bArOquE said...

he's back huh? well, when you're ready let us what it was you wrote...

~Sirius~ said...

An elephant in traffic?
Don't blame Karlang for that one- I see them too sometimes.

So, any chance we get to read something, say in the next 2-3 months or am I pushing?

Happy New Year.....and keep rocking that TeeShirt!

Ms. Catwalq said...

U were pregnant?
Pray tell, who was responsible? Me suspects....

Ms. Catwalq said...

oh, as far as Vals say is concerned, I am taking myself out. I choose to do something for myself...

LusciousRon said...

So he is back?

Hmmmn this Karlang is very similar to someone that lives in my head and makes me fear for my sanity.

You are brave introducing him to us all.

On the twitching eye, it could just be that it has Apolo! (Vera help out with the proper term)

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Just so you know, I was having a really bad day untill I read this post. Now I have a smile on my face. If there is this much subtle yet brilliant humor in the world...perhaps not all is lost.
PS: Tell Karlang to take the morning after pill next time...or get on good birth control:-)

Nefertiti said...

Karlang is one special somebody. lol. Glad u're back, Carlang..the one with the C that is. I'm suspicious of the K dude.

ablackjamesbond said...

Thanks Karlang! Been a while.

Carl, whats been happening?

omoh said...

u came back!how shweet.what of mourhino,thats something to write bout.
'My life had been really boring thus far except for that one time when I feared I was pregnant.'-thats more like the carl i know,hilarious.

Tigeress said...

It's been a minute- welcome back. That was hilarious btw. lol!!

As for Vals day- those that are in lovey-dobey relationships will be so excited. And as for others, it's just gonna be another Saturday.

mizchif said...

Carl, where have u been????
Not fair to leave ME like that.

Made me laugh as always, i hadn't even chkd what day valentines is this yr. Goodluck trying to make up a believable excuse!

Vera Ezimora said...

LOL

Very, very funny! You both are very interesting. Say, have you turned any straight woman gay yet?

Ms Sula said...

Your wit and subtle sarcasm have been missed around these parts.

Welcome back!

fantasy queen said...

woe to the joy of those saying welcome back!!!!.....i know as much as u do u'll be running back to ur pregnancy and elephant illusions after this post and it'll take forever to put up another and u'll blame poor karlang for ur lack of commitement *sigh*
...well i hope in the nearest future CNN features u on ur ketchup/blood smeared obama tee, at least that might get us a post sooner than we expect.

happy nweyear carl, its always a delight reading one ur posts.

theicequeen said...

yayyyy! ur baaaaack!!! and if you trade Karl for a cricket....you go see pepper!

i want to hear that pregnancy story o!..and elephants in traffic? big ones or little ones?..or human ones?

Afrobabe said...

lol...and a good write up it turned out to be...

I am glad its on a saturday so we will know all those cheating scums of the earth,,...

isha said...

LMAO. I have a crush on Karlang.

Iwalewa said...

i kinda like Karlang.

you all want to complain when valentine's day is week day and then u go and complain when it's a saturday. What do you about just getting rid of it?

It's always nice to read from you- both of you.

Cole Ann said...

I agree with the Valentines Day should not be on a saturday... now my options are to stay home and drink alone, or go out with those single friends, drink, and get hit on by some loser who thinks that because I am a female alone on Valentines Day that I will be even more willing to put out...

As for your comment on my blog... lol yes, sometimes I do enjoy the stupid humor, and the point of Downey's character was to be over the top and that's what I liked about it, but all this is in the context that its just a stupid humor movie nothing more... oh and I LOVED Tom Cruise just for that role!! And it also took me 10 min or so to figure out it was him... lol

Susan said...

Well, I'm very glad you two decided to write.

About the elephant in traffic - I've had similar fantasies but about a T-rex and it runs amock picking up cars with its huge teeth and then a heliocopter comes and people are running from their cars...And then people start honking at me from behind and I'm back to just being stuck in traffic like everyone else, sans workday sparing catastrophe.

Oh, and talking to your alter ego is a good thing. I have a great time talking to myself - especially when I'm exhausted. "What I am I doing? Where am I? Why did I just come in here?" And someone in my head is laughing at me...and then I start laughing...My niece asks me why I laugh at air...

So! Yes, the pair of you should definitely collaborate as often as possible...Makes for a mighty fun time.

Cheers Carl with a C. and Karlang!

-Susan

FFF said...

lol. karlang! yeah right! pulling a beyonce on us?

THIRTY + said...

Been a long while Monsieur KCarlang. How'd?

So we still have no excuses or plan to escaple Val day eh, tiCK, toCK the time is going...

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

you are too funny. So you are mad that val's day is on a saturday? lol!!!!

Welcome back!

Confessions of a London gal said...

Missed u loads! U really shouldnt disappear 4 that looooong again!
Hmnn...so u though u were pregnant, uhn?! lol!

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Glad you took Karlang's advice

Uzezi said...

for some reason i dont know, i actually believed you have stopped blogging. now u r back on my radar and i dare u to disappear

Lighty 'neferet' Kopearl said...

carl???? u need to come out ur shell and write sumthing love. ok love???

Jay Girl said...

hmmm. carlang carlang. Who would have thought we would meet again in blogsville???? anyway nice seeing your blog. when next would you be in lag? Ayo ojo sends his greetings

Shubby Doo said...

IN THE WHOLE OF FEB U COULD NOT UPDATE>>>>>>THIS GUY DO NOT LET ME COME AND FIND YOU!!!

kia kia u berra update sharpish...no dulling

p.s
my love to murihno...i've missed him

pp.s
LHL...laugh hout loud...damn!!!...are u for real...LMAO...mehn i thought i had heard it all when i heard a story of a guy saying lawl (i.e as in LOL) on the phone...dude just spoilt his own show!!!

Afrobabe said...

Hey, been seeing ur comments all over blogville....while u'r at it could you put up one post pls...

Arewa said...

I see that you have fashied me. So much for having my back ei.... :(
Just stopped by to say hello.

Missed reading your posts though. Hope all is well with u. x x x

LusciousRon said...

When are you coming back? If not you at least Karlang.

Tigeress said...

Hey! Update! Hope u're good. :)