Monday, August 25, 2008

Dear Fantasy Queen.

Once every week I spend 30 minutes trying to decide what I should blog about.
This week started no differently.

I had narrowed it down to three possible contenders.
First , I considered blogging on the delightful fact that ,over the last three months, I had lost 6kg. True, It was hardly the stuff of triumphant tales but I was still happy. Three months after my mum’s scathing appraisal, I was safely back within the healthy walls of my BMI (That’s Body Mass Index thank you very much!). As far as health was concerned, my weight was normal. Even better whenever I wore a T-shirt I was paid compliments. A week ago Someone actually called me sexy. I didn’t let it get to me though. The sun was out and she probably was short sighted. But it was an appreciated compliment. Who cared if I was yet to get the required six packs demanded by the female populace ( to get that I probably would need to loose 2 more kilos and devote a month to the gym.). I certainly didn’t. It really wasn’t fair. A man had to work hard to get an appealing body. All a woman had to do was eat and the curves would appear. Curves on a woman was good. Fat settled on a man’s stomach leaving him looking like some distant relative of Santa.
On a woman it migrated gracefully to her hips leaving her the object of many late night fantasies.
The way to man’s heart was through the stomach.
I was beginning to suspect more and more that what was meant by that was one of two things.
Ignore his bulging stomach and he would fall in love with you.
Or Stuff your stomach and resultantly gain bewitichingly fantastic female hips.
Either pay little attention to his stomach or more to your stomach (and ultimately your hips and butt.)
Both would guarantee the attention and ownership of his cholesterol clogged heart.
One thing was certain. Curves on a lady were acceptable and attractive. On a guy it just was unhealthy and occasionally gay.
Men were fat. Women were just.…thick!

With my body nicely silhouetted in a T-shirt I figured blogging about my return to the appealing demographic would be a lovely idea.
It was certainly something to consider writing on.

Also worth considering was the happy situation that had developed between I and Andromeda. For the last two months we had spent every weekend together. The first three had been in a Salsa class laughing over our pathetic imitations of the dance instructors mesmerizing swivels. He swore under his breath as he struggle to make Matadors of us. Each time we failed, trampled beneath the raging bull of clumsiness and inexperience. It was fun but after the third lesson she had suggested we spent the next week doing something less tasking and still as much fun. The next weekend we met for Ice cream. We enjoyed our evening made up off slurping ice cream and chatting about our week’s tale that it pretty much became our default arrangement.
The Dance instructor didn’t miss us.
He never called back.
For the next 3 weeks she took me to her favorite ice cream spots. I have never been much of a fan of ice cream scoops but she sought to remedy that. I’ll admit I enjoyed the conversion process.
And why not? What is better than slurping ice cream with an attractive lady?
Rhetorical. You don’t have to answer Afrobabe.
The sane part of me points out that I might have lost more weight if I had abstained from so much ice cream but the whimsical side counters that what I might have gained in weight I would have lost in romantic blissful hours.
I have been lacking there lately you see.
And yes. The last 8 weeks has been fun. There was something between us two. I wasn’t sure what it was. But it was there. I was confused. I considered writing to Blogsville and asking for their opinion and advise.
It was something to be considered.

Finally a part of me longed to revisit the interesting world of Angel Mourinho. I had found myself missing him and his naivety. I wanted to see what he was up too. I had ideas of what that might be and I had hope that come this week I would share my ideas with my friends.

All that changed after Fantasy Queen’s post.

For those of you with confused frowns on your faces, Fantasy queen happens to be the moniker used by one us. She is a blogger. A delightful blogger whose page has always left me filled with interest and delight. Her last post was a still a delightful read but this time it had the added twist in that its interest was in me.

Fantasy Queen,, upon reading my recent Stolich encounter had ventured her opinion about Stolich and I.
It was not strange what she suggested—The hint that perhaps I and Stolich were more than just friends. The belief that eventually we would end up waking up one morning with 3 children and a wedding ring between us—I had heard it a lot of times and never once failed to laugh. Hearing her echo the views of people was not strange. What was strange (and eerily interesting) was she went on further to propose a speech which my eventual declaration of love (and Stolich’s grudged acceptance) would come with.
And the speech was good.
Very good actually.
So good in fact that I regret the fact that I am unable to use it.

Stolich and I are great friends with all the makings of a great romance. But Naapali and Afrobabe are right in their assessment. If I were to try an overture in a bid to ask for more she would break out into such unbelievable laughter God would wonder if he had accidentally cancelled the rapture.
As important as all this is what is important is that which I have kept on repeating.
I don’t want a relationship with Stolich. We’re like siblings she and I. I could no more imagine kissing her than I could my sister. And just as I can appreciate how lovely my sister looks without feeling the urge to make advances I am trapped in a similar lethargy as far as advances to Stolich are concerned. Stolich and I are more than friends. We’re great friends who will go through life comforted in the knowledge that in each other we have a friend , a best man and a window into the world of the opposite sexes when the need arises.

So yes. We’re great friends. But sadly we cant be more.

Despite the finality of things between us I was still deeply moved by the headiness of Fantasy Queen’s borrowed speech. I felt it would be such a waste if I let something so beautiful go to waste.
The problem with the speech was that it was tailored to only one scenario. I could only use the speech with someone ( a female) who happened to be my best friend. Since no one other than Stolich fitted that bill, I quickly realized that unless I did something drastic I would never get to use the speech.
And so I decided to do something about it.
What I needed, I immediately realized, was a new best friend. Someone whose company I could enjoy for another 2 years before breaking down into silly tears when I confessed that somewhere beneath the nights of watching movies and pillow fights I had somehow fallen madly deeply in love with her. I would look her in her eyes and read out the wordings of FQ’s speech word by word with the appropriate inflections where it was needed.
It seemed a good plan.
Much better than my idea of jumping off the second floor with an Umbrella.
Dont get me wrong,Jumping off the second floor was probably a lot safer than falling in love but the flight was rarely as nice.
I decided then that I would find a lovely girl. Make her my friend. And use the lovely speech when I realized I could no longer do without her.
I didn’t care how long it took.
Much admired actor, Billy crystal took 10 years in the classic “When Harry Met Sally.” Before professing his undying love. I would take my time.

But where to look?
Where did one find a girl who was willing to be best friends with an insanely ridiculous blogger who spent more time thinking about having a shower than he did actually having the shower?
Where did one find a girl cute enough to guarantee that I would fall in love with her?
How did one go about such adventures?

It seemed a pretty hopeless mission.
Everyone I approached seemed taken or unavailable.
Angelina was married to Brad.
Jlo was still married.
Audrey Hepburn was dead.
There seemed an unbelievable absence of volunteers.
And then, just as I was about to give up and request that blogville pick my next topic of blogging (thereby saving me another thirty minutes of weekly thought) I noticed an interesting fact.

I have only met two bloggers in my life time.
One of them is Fantasy queen. We met once. A contrivance by mutual friends of ours. We met at some Café in the palms. The café was sited a few feet from the movie theatres. Seating there I was guaranteed a first row glimpse of the beautiful girls that were on their way to watch movies. Dressed from outrageously brassy outfits to the demure I couldn’t deny the fact that most of the girls coming to watch movies were attractive. From my position I had a clear line of sight.
And then fantasy queen stepped into the café and sat opposite me.
I didn’t look at any other girl after that.

So here I am, months later , wondering who I could possibly become best friends with.
And suddenly I realize I know the answer to that question.
Hello fantasy Queen!
Will you be my Best Friend?


Shubby Doo said...


Shubby Doo said...

Congrats on your weight loss...i'm willing 2 take fantasy queen's word 4 it that u are sexy so will wait & see if she confirms. over ice cream. As 4 r friends that know each other intimately. That does not have 2 lead 2 being lovers and marriage & 2.4 kids. Do continue with the tales of the angel...i loved the 1st installment about him...simply precious.

bumight said...

oooooh! this keeps getting better! I think I need front row seating for this!!.

btw, what is shubby doo doing in my spot?

bumight said...

oh, and I have good news for you!

bumight said...

also, who's the second blogger you met?

Anonymous said...

bronze... will be back to read

fantasy queen said...

'carl reloaded'
watch out ladies, hes bringing sexy back, be sure to wear your sunglasses when you see him so you can give a fair
bumight is a curious one...

finally you figure the puzzle last my plea to be your new best friend is acknowledged.
but i'm kind of holding on to the 'what God has put together, let no ......' i refuse to stand in the way of your destiny.

you didnt need to defend yourself carl, thats selfish, in doing so you've deprived us of an update of our sweet angel M.

Uzezi said...

see toasting o, and i noticed FQ didn't answer o! which kind shakara be that now?

so carl, the darling of FQ or the other way round, whose the second blogger?

Naapali said...

So I was right all along. For those who don't get it they will have to read FQ's last post.

Buttercup said...

oh wow...i guess im headed to fantasy queen's blog after this!

congrats on the weight loss..

interestin read as always!

mizchif said...

Hmmmmn, i'd have gladly volunteered for the post, but unfortunately, the distance might be a hinderance.

Interesting read as always!

Mz. Dee said...

lmao @ God wud think he released the rapture.. or watever it was u actually said!

Hmm.. ure in ph.. i'm in ph.. why go long ditance?? lol!

anyhoo.. FQ has still not answered o!

Naija Idol said...

chai chai chai.ive gotta go read FQ's post to really understand wats going on.

onydchic said...


Anonymous said...

love letters.. timeless.
i forgive you even though you broke my heart. sniff*.
you have blogville's blessings.

Anonymous said...

but wait oh, fantasy queen, What kind of a cop-out response was THAT?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Afrobabe said...

Lmao…I was actually about to answer that question…
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh FQ I can swear you didn’t see that coming…
Its do-able!

And we fully support the alliance!!!

Congrats on the weith loss dear, *whisper...pls tell me how u did it...

Afrobabe said...

lmao @ thinks FQ has gone all shy on us...

come out vixen!!!

naijalines said...


Esmeralda said...

no 21 and U are so dead Carl, infact i've got a wreath!

hmmm... will consider FQ and forgive u though. FQ, "kini big deal"? Carlang likes ur ringtone, do u like his? i'm speaking in the lingo of Naija's new hip hop stars (must blog about that soon)

how is Andromeda?

and i updated!

rayo said...

carland dearie *winks*, can i have d 6kg? lol. whoooo, sum blogville romance brewing.

Uche said...

Blog-wooing unlimited! me i knw Carl and FQ u gotta be a great stunner to have Carl spilling on Blogville. He has a tingy for 'EXOTICAS' and u win. Congrats on d weight loss and note,"Fat aint curve wen they settle on the wrong spot"...

Free-flowing Florida said...

ha! & there i was envisioning u & Andromeda walking down d aisle & u r saying she is not a candidate 2 u falling n love with her?????????????????????????????????

NigerianDramaQueen said...

I had to read Fantasy Queen's blog to get it...
But im jealous
Of all the queens you could pick to be your bestfriend
You didnt pick the Drama one
Go figure...

CaramelD said...

As I am trying to loose any kg, I salute your 6kg with respect, now I have to go and read FQ's speech!

PS I liked you before but I now like you extra for mentioning ladies with hips LOL !!!

fantasy queen said...

i blushingly walk back here, twisting the edge of my dress like some village shy chic... YES carlang(now i'm screaming like some drunk chic,vixen unleashed) , so you know you wouldn't get slapped in two years when we're that close, close enough to talk about how solid/strong my office desks are,yes carlang, even before you stop that car and face me, speech in hand(dont care if you havent memorized it by then) i'm screaming YES!
(and thats not a mocking smile you see on my face0lol

Mz. Dee said...

awwwwwww!! two bloggerz datin!! this is sooo romantic!

Jaycee said...

So are you and Fantasy Queen now best friends?

My darling are such an incredible writer...I just wanted to keep reading.

You know, like everyone else...I have also envisioned you and Stolich becoming more than just friends. But you're right, she'll probably think its one huge joke.

I wonder if this is more than a proposal for a "best friend"...*giggles*

Jaycee said...

I guys...I may be right to wonder...

Yup...u've got the hots for FQ, don't u dearie? *giggles again*

Naapali said...

The tear in my eye just plopped unto my keyboard. FQ and Carlang. The fantasy queen and the king of fantasy.

Awwwww. This is the romance of the year. Jlo and Angelina Jolie can eat their respective butt and lips out.

miz-cynic said...

UUMMMMM, TOASTING TOASTING,how come the second blogger has suddenly faded into oblivion

Afrobabe said...

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...I will drink a glass on behalf of u two...

princesa said...

Hmmm...Carl i like this ur new way of toasting babe o!

Oys FT, give us an answer,lol!
PS: What did u do? I need to drop 6pounds too.

Carlang said...

@ Goldfish:
Thanks dear. Me too. I miss Mourinho too.Love over Ice Cream. You sense it too?
Could it possibly be?

Good Question. I’ll ask her.
Still. Second isn’t that bad a slot is it.
Look at Obama..
@ Goldfish:
Thanks dear. Me too. I miss Mourinho too. Love over Ice Cream. You sense it too?
Could it possibly be?

Good Question. I’ll ask her.
Congrats on the good news again. Pity you weren’t first.
Still. Second isn’t that bad a slot is it.
Look at Obama..


Well hello there Besty. How are you doing?
Thanks for accepting my offer. You made my week.
 Don’t mind me. I’m occasionally selfish. Don’t fret though. As soon as I can I’m bringing Mourinho back. I miss him too.

@ Uzezi:
Ah Ah.
E never reach that stage.
For now we are just good friends with lofty aspirations.

@ Buttercup:
I miss the old weight though. Walking in the rain is a lot harder now!

Yeah. It sucks. With a name like yours I can only begin to think of what friendship with you would be like. It sounds like mad fun..
Shame. I’ll see if the Ocean can be moved..

You’re in PH?
This cursed town. It’s either raining all day or the SUN bathes you in Scalding heat.
How do people survive here?

@ Naija Idol: You might want to pack tissue with you!

Please say it isn’t so.
I would never do that.
Thanks for your blessing. It means a lot to our new friendship.

@ Afrobabe:
E no easy oh.
45 minute walks everyday.
No more coke. Not enough food. Early sleeping. It was hell . and for what?
Good thing you didn’t try to answer the question. It’s okay. I hear sex is a good way to loose weight.
It certainly sounds easier..
And my alliance is certified?
Chei! Wetin remain again? E don finish now..

@naijalines: Blush.

@ Esmerelda:
Andromeda is fine. She gets lovelier and lovelier everyday.
You want to strangle me? Why now. II no try? At least I warned you didn’t i?

@ Rayo:
Off course you can.
I was initially planning on donating it to some country. But since you asked so nicely.. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll need a mailing address…

@ Freeflowing Florida:
Yes she is.
She definitely is.
FQ just happens to be my new best friend. Lol. So please..
Keep envisioning. I need am!!

@ Naijadramaqueen:
Laughing at Drama one..
You’re so cute.
My apologies. I did consider you . I sat down and decided to write you a letter.
SO I picked my poem and wrote a pen…

But no be lie sha.
Men dig women with hips . Why do you think half the world is in love with Beyonce?

Funms said...

did FQ accept ur bext friend proposal? i like ur post!

Nine said...

Curves are good.Very good,indeed.But you can have too much of a good thing.Stroll through Oshodi market if you don't believe me.

PS There's a new PSP coming out:)

Black Man Comes said...

Kai that toasting was too much. The way you weaved that thing men FQ might (if she will) expect u to declare ur undying love sooner. Sweet talk to the power of 100.

FQ, maybe just maybe its Stolich thats putting asunder in between you and CArl and not you inbtwn them. Hmm...

Jaja said...

Check out arrangement!
Things dey happen here o. Let me read FQ's speech first of all....

Abeg bros dont vex, you say u loss 6kg, wetin come remain for ur body?

take am easy o

When you wan' enter PH again? no Palm cafe here or cinema to meet up o... you go get reduce ur standards

badderchic said...

this is kinda cute

FQ say yes! say yes! and stop forming jooo. lol

30+ said...

Chai I have been so slacking, and I thought I was hard.

New beginnings are happening here and I knew it not.

NaijaBabe said...

I'm sooooo lost!!!

Mogaji said...

okay i'm lost have to find fantasy queen's post

isha said...

Hmm, Ice cream, maybe you both should hit that dance classes after the lovey dovey icecream sessions so it balances out. lol.

ejura said...

Hmm,sweet sweet romance.

I like.

what colour's the aso ebi?

Or am I rushing things? wink