Monday, August 18, 2008

Weekend with a Friend.

Her announcements were like the jarring gong of a doomsday clock.
They first came in two weeks ago.
I was seating in my office daring the devil to make my day worse. Unfortunately for me he had just returned from Somalia and was checking up on his mail. Mine was first on the list.
A beep from my phone alerted my attention to the arrival of an SMS. Staring at the caller ID of the sender, I was already weary before I read the message.
“I’m coming in two weeks.” it said.
I’m coming in two weeks, it warned. I shivered quietly and pretended the air-conditioning was set to low. Two weeks. I thought to myself.
Two weeks! That wasn’t enough time to fully prepare .
Subsequent days were graced with like messages.
I’m coming in 11 days.
I’m coming in 10 days.

I learnt how to count backwards from 14 all over again. I made silly jokes about the messages to reduce the message’s ominous note—coming in 11 days? Must be some Orgasm—it didn’t help much.
On Day 8 it got worse. I got a call instead of a text.
“Did you get my text?” the voice demanded over the phone.
“Yes. I did. “I muttered.
“Good. See you soon.” And then the voice was gone. Replaced by a dull monotone which did nothing to lessen the exasperation I was feeling.
On day 14 my phone beeped shortly after I stepped into the office.
“I’m in town.” The message ran. “We’re meeting for lunch. Make sure you have gist.”
Simple. Straight and to the point. The text did nothing in way of warning of the insanity that loomed behind its announcement. But I was wiser.
Today was going to be a long test of patience and exasperation.
Stolich was in town.

We agreed to meet at 4pm.
The location was at a popular fast food restaurant renowned for its past brilliance in making burgers. At 5 past 4 I walked through the doors and braced myself.
She didn’t disappoint.
“CARLANG!” She screamed.
I stared at her as she walked over to me with her mischievous smile on her face. She still looked the same. Still the same rosy glow. The same confident swagger. She was still lovingly cute.2 months ago she had called me to complain that she was going fat. Looking at her, I couldn’t see where the extra lard was laid. Possibly, her butt looked bigger but I was only assuming that because some guy behind was staring at it.
She squeezed me in a bear tight hug.
“Howz my best friend?” She asked happily.
I looked around the restaurant quickly. There were over a hundred people in it and all of them were looking at us. Some things never changed
Stolich was like that. She could walk into a stadium and still draw attention..
“I’m good.” I said dragging her to the nearest table. She plodded along behind me slowing my quick exit into a comic display of couple dis-unity.
Maybe she was right about the weight gain. She certainly felt heavier.

I sat down at the table and stared at her silly face.
Stolich and I had been roommates years ago. During the period we had developed this weird mode of communication were we really didn’t need to talk to know what the other person was thinking.
She didn’t use it.
“Howz work?” She asked me with a happy grin.
Fine. I replied. And then I went on to explain what I meant. For the next 5 minutes we chatted about out individual work places. Our opinions seemed to be matching. Our bosses were idiots. Our coworkers were annoying. Hers kept on hitting on her and mine kept on slapping my back. We agreed that our salaries were at deplorable levels—A raise wouldn’t be a bad idea—but despite it all work was somewhat fulfilling.
She nodded her head in satisfaction and then gave me the look.
I knew what was coming before she asked.
“When last did you get laid?”
I sighed Inwardly to myself. There it was. 10 minute with Stolich and she was already demanding the skinny on my coital affairs.
“Er.. I don’t want to talk about it.” I said defensively. I considered dashing off to buy a burger but knowing Stolich she probably would continue the conversation at the counter.
“You don’t? What is wrong with you?” She rolled her eyes in mock frustration. “What happened to you? I used to boast about you! I used to tell my friends you were the world’s greatest lover”
“Really?” I laughed.
“Stop laughing. It’s not funny. You’ve become boring!” Stolich snapped. Her eyes retained her irritation briefly and then were replaced by something a lot worse and scary.
She smiled.
“Have you ever had sex in an office?”
I laughed at her.
“No.” I replied.
She smiled even brighter.
“Well I have. It was fantastic. Bloody fantastic. One thing we were talking and the next thing we were naked in his office.”
“Andre.” She said.
I nodded. Andre had been her boyfriend for the last 4 months. I hadn’t met him but I certainly had heard of him. I found the fact that she was dating hilarious. She had finally broken up her 6 year relationship only to end up firmly in another barely 2 weeks later.
“Right. How is he?”
“Fantastic. It was great. I haven’t had sex that good in such a long time.”
I closed my eyes in frustration.
“I meant. How is he? Relationship wise. Are you guys happy?”
She paused to consider the question.
“I think we are. He is a really nice guy . Very funny. “Her look turned serious. “He says he wants to marry me.”
I almost broke out into laughter. One of the major reasons why she had split with her last boyfriend was because she said she wasn’t ready for marriage. Something he had been clamoring for. Now it looked like her replacement boyfriend was cut from the same cloth.
“What’s wrong with that? You’re getting old you know.”
“I’m 24!” She snapped.
“DO you remember Mother Teresa?” I asked.
“Yes. The very old nun who died years ago?” Stolich asked.
“Exactly. She was 26 when she died.”
Stolich laughed out loud at me. “You’re such an idiot.” She said.
I shrugged. She called me that every 10 minutes. Maybe it was true.
“You didn’t answer the question you know.” She reminded me. “When last did you get laid?”
“Not this month. That’s for sure.” I mumbled.
She gasped.
“You’re insane. How do you handle the pressure? You jerk off?”
I shifted in my seat uncomfortably.
“Every guy jerks off. “ I muttered. “If any guy says he doesn’t he is lying.”
“I don’t think that guy does. “ Stolich pointed out, gesturing to someone behind me.
I turned around. Seated behind us, with someone who looked like his mum, was a teenager with a cast on both his arms.
“Maybe he broke them jerking off?” She asked me with the same silly smile on her face.
“You’re impossible.” I said.
“And you are just frustrated. I can’t believe you haven’t gotten laid.”
Her voice was loud. Two girls at the table beside us heard her announcement and sniggered. I felt myself blush. I wasn’t getting up to leave until the restaurant was empty.
She laughed at my discomfort. She seemed to enjoy the fact that her teasing was getting to me. I was glad at least one of us was. I wanted to strangle her with my hands.
“DO you still Blog?” She asked.
“Yes.” I said. Delighted to get the subject on some other area of my life that didn’t require me naked and sweaty.
“Seriously? That’s neat. “Her tone took a wistful note “Do you still blog about me?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I haven’t blogged about you in a while.”
“Really? Why not.” She asked.
“Everyone started suggesting I was in love with you. Even worse they began suggesting the ridiculous idea that I was going to get married to you.”
Her eyes became guarded.
“What’s wrong with that? You couldn’t marry me?”
I am officially a klutz. Men really are from different planets. I was still recovering from the probes I had weathered concerning my sex life. I was not really thinking. I looked into her eyes and made a mistake.
“Good lord. You’re joking right? I could never marry you!”
And just like that. I hurt her.
It was there in her eyes briefly. Earlier on I mentioned that we had mastered the art of speaking without saying a word. I regretted that particular bit of skill now. I looked at her and I realized I had hurt her without meaning too. I must have sounded like a jerk.
“Because. You’re too much woman for me. Sex in the office? You’d give me a heart attack before our first anniversary.” I said quickly.
It worked.
She laughed at me.
“I think you’re exaggerating. But you’re right. I probably am too much woman for you right now. Unlike you, I happen to love sex.”
I flinched.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what it means. You need to get laid man. You’re probably so charged you’ll soon get yourself pregnant.” She laughed at her own joke. Beside us the girls at the table laughed too. I hope they weren’t laughing at me.
“I’m always at work.” I protested.
“So? “ She leaned in towards me with a mischievous grin. “You should try having sex in the office. It’s great.”
As I sat down there listening to Stolich. It struck me how different the world had come in the last 100 years. Here I was being prodded into a physical relationship by a girl who was very confident in her sexuality. Human social relationship had come a long way from the conserved relationships of later years.
Mankind had freed itself from its restraining chains. Prometheus had given us fire. We had invented fireworks.
Stolich was still talking to me. She was close enough that I could inhale the sweet musk of her perfume. She really was an attractive lady.
“It was fantastic. “ She was saying. “First we were kissing and then...”
“ I don’t want to hear what happened!” I said quickly.
I needn’t have bothered. Stolich was an unstoppable express when she sought out to be. For the next 5 minutes she recanted in detail the tale of her Office adventure.
I sat there listening.
I suspect the two girls beside us did as well.


bumight said...

what great luck. I thought i was going to be tenth or something!

can I have my banner up now?

Jaycee said...


Stamping my feet in 2nd delight...brb to comment (u and ur long but "really interesting" posts). Love em!

Naapali said...

this is unfair, bumight and Jaycee do you camp out here?

Naapali said...

Stolich was in town.!!!!
- I knew it. Only Stolich could take 14 days to come.

bumight said...

Yay! another post about stolich!, we've missed her, you know.

@Naapali: carlang has sold me the official rights to be first on his blog EVERYTIME. so anybody who claims to be first is technically sitting in my spot, and like my new boyfried, Goljan said I'm 100% oxygen and you're carbon monoxide, get off my seat!

Naapali said...

Time and time again you confirm that Stolich does retain a special place in your heart. Your writing adopts even sharper witticisms when it is about her.

She might make you sweat more than you choose to but she sure helps your circulation.

mizchif said...

So i'm technically 4th, not bad.

Methinks i like stolich. She does sound like a lot of fun.
You shd have her around more often.
@ least uhave a friend who is a doctor, so even if there's any madical emergency, it may not cost you too much financially, that is if u come out alive.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Stolich is definately special-I can see it and hear it in your writing.
Just dont let her have you writing good omelets and eating hot

Oh and maybe you need to dust off the nintendo set and get to pushing some buttons:-)

onydchic said...

Um...needless to say... you need to get laid. ;)

Shubby Doo said...

Lol @ coming in 8days…there are some that would give anything to come at all!!!

Carlang…Carlang…she so has your number…
I have a friend …that admitted for the briefest of moments (back in uni) that he was attracted to me…then he took it back. Hahaha…to late…
I 2 ask him things like this bluntly.
I feel at ease having candid conversations with him (but only him) about my own exploits…
I tell him that his is mad, fat and I tease him about his head shape (there is nothing wrong really but I enjoy the fact that I’ve given him a complex about it!)
Nothing has ever come close to happening btw us IMO…hmmm…I think that is why we are so close…

No surprise then that I would have taken offence at the same point…

Anyway…I’m not sure that I ‘like you with her’ but I sure as hell ‘like her with you’….

Jarrai said...

Stolich is tres special,she sounds fun and her.

you write about her quite intricately...she holds a special place in your heart....tell me i am said...

gosh you guys should jus get over yourselves and get married already!

Esmeralda said...

i was supposed to be first here! watch ur back Carl cuz i'm out to get u!lol

Stolich! a girl after my very heart.

So when did u last get laid?

why such a long break? (i'm just guessing...)

do we need to get out the chimney sweeps dude? huhn? huhn?

naijalines said...

Stolich is like oxygen and helium mixed together. She would excite you but also make you feel giddy. (I'm assuming a mix of the two gases isn't fatal?!!!!)

You're fond of Stolich but the helium (unsettling bit) gets to you. I think you are right to follow your instincts...

BTW, thanks for your's so generous of you.

Afrobabe said...

I think I missed her more than u did, wondered why you had stopped writing about her..Actually I am one of those who hoped you would end up with her..Lovely girl…lovely character, sexy, makes u laugh, gets u jealous talking about her sex life, what more could you want?

Afrobabe said...

oh....try and get laid ok...

Free-flowing Florida said...

yes o! dis is d 21st century! chicks no longer pretend abt sexuality - they take it!

Carlang said...

@ BUmight:
Here Lies Bumight's Banner.
A tribute to a first at any HOUR!"

I promise.
I'll make my next post as short as possible.
But I'll make it as interesting as I can.

Yeah, The evil wench came to visit me.
My writing changes.
Uh oh..
That would make her my muse wouldn't it?
Oh no..

HOw come everyone likes that troublemaker?
Thanks. I'll take your advise into consideration. Lets hope my heart doesn't live to regret it.

@ Nigeriadramaqueen:
The Nintendo buttons come back to hunt me.
I'll have you know i have no problems pushing buttons. I just haven't felt like it lately.
Nintendo;s nice and fun but i;m really not up to the task of digging through junk until i find what i want to play.
ANd then spend the next 30 minutes required to hook the game up and just right before i actually get to play.

Reading a novel just seems a lot easier.
And safer...

@ Onyidichic:
I totally agree.
Any volunteers...

@Shubby doo:
Gosh. I hope you aren't one of them.
that would hurt!!

SO you don't like "Me with her" but you like "her with me"?
I'm not even sure what the hell that means.
But I've stopped trying to understand female lingo.
I just nod my head and pretend to agree..


Well yes...
She does hold a special place in my heart.
Behind a bright red door called "Danger!! Insane friend around!"

You think so?
It's happening again. Everyone thinks a really Bad idea is a good idea...

I swear i sent you that message 3 seconds after i posted.
ALthough considering i posted at 1am it might not have been much help.
Oh come on!
How about we have lunch and I make it up to you?
Why the long break?
HEY!!! Who said it;s been a long break?

My pleasure.
Although i fail to see why i am being thanked.
I wasn't being generous.
We're in Blogsville.
We're family.
It's what we do.

You want to bet on that?
WHy does everyone keep on hinting that we;ll end up together. I fail to see how that could possibly happen.
What more do i want you ask?
I dont know. Maybe some Afro haired babe in Uk who happens to be a secret blogger.

Oh .. and don't worry about my celibate status.
It's mostly a decision thing.
At least it became one after the first three months...


@Free-flowing Florida:
Yes they do.

ShonaVixen said...

so moral of the story is - Carlang needs to get

badderchic said...

Lie and tell us your insides where not doing a riot when she decided to jist about sex with Ándre, lie o!

UndaCovaSista said...

LMAO @ the teenager with both arms in casts! I'm sure he'd have had more important things on his mind...

Iwalewa McDaniels said...

u really have an interesting life man.

I think I'll have to go back and read abt Stolich cos I seem to be the only one who appears clueless at this point

Ms Sula said...

Man, I so like Stolich!!

So she dumped the boyfriend she was trying to remain faithful to? A girl after my own heart... :)

But I am with the majority, your writing does change when you speak of Stolich... And maybe that just means that you should not do anything with her...

But in the meanwhile, please get laid. :)

AlooFar said...

Hey! Get laid, please.

fantasy queen said...

U guys sound like an MnB novel. And u knw hw it all ends...stolic n carl seating on a couch/office desk(c I left out d primitive tree) K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Mz. Dee said...

i'm wonderin.. was this restauran B***B***?? Oui ou Non?

Lol at u and ur friend... she soundz like sum1 i'd love to meet!!

And those girlz listenin.. probably wet themslvz... i can imagine the embarrasment! i do dat to ppl sumtyms.. hehe

/Kæra:ƒi/ said...

Hey Umby!
U make me laugh as always.
U shud check out my site!
Keep in touch sweetie.

Uche said...

CARRRRLLAAAANNG!the more i read ur posts, the more i discover juicy details 'bout time i see u,u sure r goin to download ur diary...and u dare tag me wit guys?...MR BEST MAN is soo working 4 ya- ring a bell?

Afrobabe said...

lol @ ur celibate state becoming a decision after not getting laid for 3 whole months...

Hmmm hope I can make that record...

Black Man Comes said...

I have not read rthis post. whatever happened to the spanish chick? andromeda u called her.

rayo said...

ohh, all these tests in scul, nd i'm only just seein ur post. thank G od u've upd8d. now lemme go read it

Baroque said...

ah...*smiling with glee*...success...i got to the end of another Carlang's long posts...very enlightening...but please why are you not wanting to fuck in the office?...esp if its not your office...abeg, allow Stolich to get you laid, thanks you

bighead said...

Hey you! I take a one session leave from blogsville, come back on the last day of exams and yur still talking stolich? YU guys are destined to be together. What kind of name is 'stolich' anyway? russian? turkmenistanese?

Chari said...


Chai thisur besty na wantintin!

TinTin said...

how have i not discovered u??!?!? ur amazing!!

oww and i love to...u just dont know it!


Ms. Catwalq said...

You cannot marry her because u are already me!!!!!

Don't get it twisted....

I don't play

Jaja said...

Solid babe.. that your Stolich....

blogs about her

Jaja said...

blogs about her?

Even withcraft and magic spells cant cant make me commit such a blunder..

blogs about her

Nice guy said...

Lol...girls like to do this these days...teasin guys about how often they get laid

Uzezi said...

when i read this .... “I don’t think that guy does. “ Stolich pointed out, gesturing to someone behind me..... i burst out laughing.

when u said... i couldn't marry you... my heart stopped.... u r lucky u got out of it.

she's full of life and u really fit eachother.

Nine said...

S has been in the friend zone so long you don't see what's there.

More for the rest of us:)